sometimes I try to grasp at my thoughts

It's late and I've just finished reading The Fault In Ours Stars and I am in quite a melancholy mood. (I also finished reading the hobbit today, so I am quite proud of the two books in one day thing, however that pride is again out weighed by my lack or revision for my impending exams)

Well, I was just thinking about that moment when you just wake up, and you don't quite know where you are, or what day it is. I like those moments, mostly. It gives me a few seconds a day to be in another reality. Sometimes I think I'll wake up in the bed I've slept in from the age of 3 to 14, that I'll be in my old house and see the pictures of my brother as a baby on the wall. I wasn't completely happy then but things were simpler and I had a lot more freedom than I do now, for some absurd reason. Sometimes I wake up and I'm utterly confused as to where I am, but the blankness of my mind is comforting because for however short that moment is I have no past and no present, and no worries. Sometimes I wake up and I feel physically smaller, like I am 7 again. Those times, for the seconds they last, are nice too because when you're 7 most things are easier, even though all you want to do is grow up and the person you hate the most is your annoying older brother. Well I did hate my brother for most of my childhood, I hated him and I loved him all the same, because even though he was annoying and rude, and called me fat all the time, I had fun with him too. The fake fights (that quite often turned into real fights), the made up stories with our own host of made up characters that were completely ridiculous and offensively gory for a couple of kids. Its so much easier to live with someone you hate on the surface but ultimately love, its easier to live with someone you can have fun with. It's so much harder to live with someone you hate so much, with someone you cannot accept or forgive for anything. It is so difficult, because you cannot push this person away, because they're always there and you see all their flaws, and all their mistakes. It is most difficult to live with yourself.

pendulum swings

There is distinctly something wrong with me and I don't even know how to begin fixing it. I've been turning to locking myself in the closet and falling asleep there more often when the anxiety builds up and that just makes me feel worse after even though it calms me down at that moment. All I am doing is wasting time. I haven't done close of half of the revision I was supposed to do and there are only about 7 days left. I don't know whether the anxiety is from that or if its because everyday I realise, more and more, that I want to be as far away from my dad as possible. Because he is so fucking negative about everything, I can't hold conversations with him, he gets angry about the smallest things and all the time he blames everything on god or just the fucking date, or my mom, and I can't even fucking take it anymore. All this negativity is not what I need now, because I have been quite suicidal for almost 4 years and its been the worst these two years and honestly if this keeps on going I think I might actually try something again and maybe succeed this time.

I cannot handle myself anymore, I can't concentrate, sitting still to study just drives me nuts, and sometimes I feel physically sick or just completely drained of energy even though I've slept a ridiculously normal amount of time. I think I am going to screw up, because of all this, and really I have no one else to blame except myself. Because all this is me not getting my shit together, its me letting everything around me get to me, and its me having zero self control. All this is me not getting a fucking grip and letting things slip away, letting time slip away, and only regretting later on.

I think I might need someone to tell me to get the fuck off the internet and study like every twenty minutes, cause that is actually how much self control I lack. Today I stayed home and I did less than 45mins of studying and that was only for one subject. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST SLAP ME ON THE FACE AND ASK ME TO GET A GRIP.

Today was nice, nothing much happened, but it was just one of those days that was pretty slow but just the right pace to keep up with. I woke up at 4am to catch the flight to hong kong, then we just had lunch at this really great dim sum place once we checked in. Then we just walked around the area in malls and window shopped for a bit.

Well I did feel a bit sick today cause my stomach acted up, being the bitch that she is, but it went away cause I didn't eat much for dinner, and was pretty calm about it.

Tonight was nice, because my parents met up with their friend who they've known for like a quarter of a century, and he's really nice, and they just talked about things. It wasn't converstations I could really take part in but I was fine with listening and just being there, cause it wasn't painfully boring, cause they talked about genuine problems and genuine opinions. Dad got a little bit drunk I think, that's why he was a lot more calm tonight. I forgot to bring my room card out of the room and was technically locked out, and it was late, usually he would have just have gotten really mad, but he just was like "I'll bring her down to get another one" and he didn't lose his temper and it was nice cause we could actually talk (not about proper things because I never get into deep things with my family) but just a general chat and we all went to bed just calm. (well I'm not really in bed yet, but you get the idea).

sometimes nice days like this make me feel a little worse about myself, because I just see how ungrateful I am about everything and how I don't really deserve these days anymore.

What do I do now? I spent and hour hiding in the closet from nothing, just because I needed a small dark space to calm down, and I fell asleep. This has been happening more often, and I really have to get my shit together and study for these exams. god damn it.

I was just thinking about how absolutely shit my 16th birthday was. I did nothing, its was so boring, possibly because all I wanted to do shoot myself in the face and bleed on the bathroom floor. Just...I don't know all that is coming back again, and I think I might try drown myself again this holidays. Joy.

This month has just started out with me wanting to die all the fucking time and just generally really thinking of ways to kill myself again. just...I don't know anymore I want to give up on everything and I feel like I've already failed in life.

I don't know what to do, and that's the state I seem to be in all the time. I don't want to try for anything anymore, and all I want is for this week of school to be over. At the same time I wish the world would actually end in December, but really, that isn't going to happen.

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am going to die alone and soon because I'm probably going to kill myself when I make the mistake of doing the wrong thing with my life and seeing all my hopes and dreams slip away.

just general shit...to me.

Most of the time I just want time to stop, I go to school and I get through it because everyone else is getting through it so there isn't really an excuse for me to breakdown a just all out stop getting through each day there. (Plus, that's where my friends are, and right now I'm with people I like quite a whole lot) Then I get home and I'm absolutely drained, it doesn't even matter how little I did in school, it's just like I can't do anything anymore. So I just want everything to stop, I take a long long time to get myself in the shower, I wait till after dinner to do anything that has to be done, even though I clearly have hours before that. I think that's why I don't really go online till late, because I'm not excepting the fact that time is actually passing and I'm losing my day. I don't know, I just want to get home and feel like I've slept for 10 hours even though it's only been 1. I just don't want to feel tired and overwhelmed all the time, I mean this is getting old and its wearing me out. I can't remember the last time I felt relieved or at ease, it has actually been years. I can't handle myself anymore, most of the time I just see myself failing at everything I am going to try to do later in life (it is not helping that I am actually failing math, and no one is letting me drop to the lower mandarin class even though I clearly do not understand anything that is happening in the one I am currently in). I actually do not get anything done outside of school, jesus christ, I am so fucking messed up and disorganised and, not to mention, unmotivated.

I cannot even begin to imagine how I will deal with my mock exams even though they are only a month away. Someone come and pick me up before I colossally jeopardize my future. They teach you how to succeed in life, but they never teach you how to except failure, you have to learn to yourself, and they never except failure, they brand you for it.

Also, why the hell do I have a lot to say here all the time, but never can think of actual things to say when I have opportunities to go to the counselor.

I really want to be able to get to places myself, I don't know why I hate relying on people to get to where I have to be so much. I just really don't like it. If you don't have to be there, I just don't want you to take me there, I don't want to sit through idle conversation or awkward silences. I don't want to run around anyone else's schedule. I don't want to always feel nervous because someone had a fucking nervous breakdown when he was driving. I don't want to constantly be around your negative as fucking energy because I'm already suicidal enough. I want to plan my own times, I want to have time to relax, I want to have time to make proper food for lunch. How they fuck do I make a valid case or getting a fucking electric vespa without revealing how fucked up I am?

I am so tired and should really be sleeping, but I'm in this state between suicidal and seething anger, and mindless euphoria for some weird as fuck reason. I need help that I will not seek.

I didn't do any math even though I said I would and there's a test tomorrow. This happens all the time, what is wrong with me, why can't I get my shit together and get stuff done?

I am slowly but surely ruining my own life.

what now?

Well the larger part of these couple of months have just been me thinking about what to do for my future and not really coming up with anything. I realise, I don't have a calling or anything viable job prospects that are recognised by my quite traditional parents. (if I hadn't mentioned before, the only subject I would be quite passionate about would be film, and probably english) But, don't people say it always easier to go from science and math to arts and humanities, and almost impossible the other way round? Help I am honestly at a complete loss. I really want to do something that has to do with making movies/writing movies. Movies make you think, make you realise things, they carry you through though times, let you experience things you could otherwise never experience, the motivate you, inspire you, I just want to be a part of that. I want to do for other people what movies did for me.
But, I honestly have no idea if I am capable of that at all. Can I write screenplays, or direct, or act,or even critic? I don't know anything. If I were to go all science and math I would probably get through, but I'd probably won't be happy, but if I really go for film and I fail, what do I do then? I just have no drive now, or motivation, everyone is talking me out of doing film and steering me someway or another, towards careers I don't feel connections to. (All I can think of now is if I fail I just might turn to dying by my own hand.) How do people know what they want to do with their lives and really work for it, because I really have zero self confidence in acheiving anything, and I feel absolutely talentless (isn't that already admitting defeat?)

everything about my life is just uncertain and I have no courage to face it, all I want to do is run away. I never want to go to school or face people, I never want to make decisions that affect my future in the long run. I want to run away from everything. I'm sixteen and I want to be a child, I don't want to be and adult and get my life together, I am not in a fit mental state to make any rational decisions about the rest of my life.

I would recount The Fray's concert, but I'm way to tired right now. So I'll  just give you a list of bands I want to see live because of reasons.

The Maine
Hurts
Neon Trees
Coldplay
Panic! at the Disco
30 seconds to mars
Avenged Sevenfold (but I'll never get to see Jimmy on the drums, ever...)
Blink 182
The Killers
Muse
Linkin Park
Bombay Bicycle Club
The Cab
Metellica
Incubus
Green Day
Foster The People
Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Script

Nirvana (if the time machine is invented...)

Really, what am I doing? (I should be doing math hw that was due last week and hw that's due tomorrow)

They handed out the booklets for IB options today, I was making jokes to conceal my utter insecurity and almost complete anxiety about this. I very nearly started hyperventilating when I flipped through it. I have no clear path in life and I really don't know what to do. I mean sure it'll open up lots of options if I do biology and chemistry at higher level, but I don't think that's what I really want. I want to take film, but I don't know what I'll do with it later in life, I can't seem to validify wanting to be a screenwriter or director or critic as a viable option for a career. I mean being as Asian as I am, my parents are all for the engineering, doctor and lawyer shit but I DON'T KNOW.  I know no one is going to pay for me to go to film school or anything like that. I don't even know whether I am talented enough to do this because I haven't actually tried, I have ideas and dreams but that's all they are.

help this whole thing is so distracting and it's bringing back all the bad thoughts. I can feel them gnawing on me from the back of my head.

"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.”- Johnny Depp

This is exactly how I feel right now, because I can't choose and I honestly think I'm not good enough for anything. I have to drive because I feel like anything I'm interest in doing is completely out of my league. I hope I can find something I can do with a passion, something that I like and doesn't leave me on the street begging for money and affection. I hope I turn out somewhat like Johnny, he found something he loved and that he is incredible at. I hope I can have that too.

Career prospects (or the absence of them)

Today there was the IB options talk for all year 11 students, to understand what the fuck we were getting ourselves into in 2013. After all that I still don't know what I'm going to do, because I don't know what I'm going to get into as a career or what I'm going to take in university, or where I am going to go in university.
In case you didn't know IB has 6 Categories and we are supposed to pick one out of each category or not pick and arts and pick another science or humanities. I find that ridiculously difficult to just pick 6, because it would be so much easier we it was 7 but not as in depth and difficult. I'm going to HAVE to do HIGHER LEVEL MATH, which might completely mind-rape me on a regular basis, I might take higher economics (or standard level, have to research that) too. I don't know which higher level science I'm going to do, because I have absolutely no idea what fields of work I'm going to get into.
So those are going to be my 3 higher levels.

The only subject I'm really keen on taking is IB Film, because you have no idea how interested I am in films and film history and everything about movies. However, my mom doesn't seem to get it, she thinks I'm just wasting my time and should take double higher science along with higher math to "widen up my options" to be honest the only field of work I have developed a genuine interest and passion for is film (directing, screen writing, all aspects). I finally kind of worked up to courage to work that into the conversation during dinner, but mom just put me down and made it seem like I was being a "dreamer" and we have enough of that in the family cause my brother is going into sound engineering (or something like that) after NS. They kind of hope for me to be the "successful one" to support them. It's fucking hard ok, it's fucking hard to have your parents just want to go for safe options so you can get the typical job and just work through it and support them. It's fucking hard for them just to overlook your older brother and let him do whatever, and have them just tie you down as a safety. (I actually really want to talk to my brother now...we never talk) Remember when people used to say just do what your interested in, now I CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT.
Mom thinks I MUST take 2 sciences and maybe fall back on film if I fail, but IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY MOM. How can I fall back on film if I don't take the subject in the first place.

It would be easier if we didn't have to take a second language, cause I would just take a second science and do film but... it is. I'm probably going to do french ab initio because I am actually interested in the language and cannot handle doing mandarin as a first language anymore.

All I am is extremely discouraged and quite suicidal so I didn't take a bath today, I took a shower instead, even though I really needed a warm bath.
please help. I need career advice or something.

help.

I am having a complete mental breakdown and I can't even pinpoint exactly why. It was just the fact that I failed at ordering class photos and haven't studied AT ALL for the economics test tomorrow that completely drove me over the edge. I didn't realise it was building up at all? Whoops? Haven't felt this in a while, I am actually going into suicidal mode right now. help. I can pay attention and remember anything, dear god help me, there isn't even an opportunity to revise tomorrow morning because we have fucking assembly. I am so fucking tired of every thing, especially today, I did double basketball and netball in the same day and I woke up at 5 30am for this shit, and I don't even understand anything I've felt in the past week because I am just a colossal mass of failure and patheticness(this isn't even a fucking word is it?).

maybe I should get to that

Maybe not.
Thanks to my inability to have a sense of urgency strong enough to overcome my queen of procrastination attitude, I predict that I will not be doing the homework that needs to be done tonight. I will also probably not even revise for the upcoming test. tune in for more on how I am slowly but surely ruining my life!

Today was sports day, and I got third for both events I took part in. Well at least the green ribbons are a nice green. I have no idea why I am so tired but I took a 2 hour nap with wet hair after I got back, so I have a headache now. Oh JOY! I also have to wake up at 5 30 tomorrow so I can fucking get to school at 7 for basketball training, then we have PE right after then I have netball after school. This is going to mess up my back further, it already hurts like a bitch for the 5 consecutive days of sport last week.

help I am 16 and I have all the aches and pains of a 70 year old.

The Shrinking Room

My time alone is up for now. My parents are getting back tomorrow evening, and I would like to go out for dinner to avoid the trick-or-treaters since I won't be getting any candy this year. Well, because my parents HAVE to see me when they get back.

I feel completely exhausted this week because it started completely rubbish. I woke up an hour late, and ended up having to exaggerate my ailments on the phone to my parents to avoid having to go to school. However, even with the extra time I did not do any homework because I am the Queen of Procrastination and will ultimately ruin my entire existence further with this habit. The I had 3 different sports to play on tuesday and I got hit in the face by a rounders ball (which in case you didn't know, it a smaller baseball but equally hard), because I was sort of high for not eating with my flu (and other) medication (whoops). And I had a sport everyday this week and tomorrow too. My hamstrings and back are really fucked up now....I don't even remember when I hurt them.

Well aside from that, even being left alone I felt not much more free, just barely free at all. I don't even like having a driver, I don't like planning times to leave with other people and having awkward silent drives to places. I like getting to places on my own at my own pace. I don't know how to explain it, I just loathe the majority of this arrangement. (I'm using loathe, I know, I'm sorry I started reading The Importance Of Being Earnest for English) I really want an electric vespa, it is totally legal for me to get one if you were wondering. It would be so much easier. But even as I get older my parents are still making the ground I stand on shrink.

I want to be alone a lot, and I don't think making friends will help me with that, but not making friends will just make me feel worse. I don't know, it's like I'm a cornered animal, and I can't make out what's pushing me into this corner. It feels like the walls are closing in, and I don't know why I always feel this way and it's getting more intense, but I never get the nerve to get help and I might be destroying my own chances to be anything I want to be.

Not the best of character

I think I'm a very bad person. Simply because I care very little for people. Mom just told about something that is quite important, healthwise, and honestly, I didn't feel very much at all. Then Dad barely said two words and got cut off, and I felt a sense of relief. I don't know if it is my complete detest for talking on the phone, or just more evidence on how I am a bad child and a bad person.

On a side note, after almost two years, I am still finding it ridiculously difficult to do homework. This is probably because for 14 years of my life, I barely ever did homework at home or handed anything in on time, and there were barely any consequences. I guess that was the perks of having 40 in a class. Now it's so easy to check who doesn't do their shit, and really I can't fucking do anything. When I get home it's like nothing that happened today or is going to happen tomorrow matters, I can't fucking get my shit together to make progress on anything. This is not the best year to be falling into this whirlpool of self destruction but it sure as hell looks like I'm already mid way in. I can't go to the counselor tomorrow, because I have basketball trails, I don't know if I'll ever just man up and go in there and get help, cause I'm taking that path in my mind again, and it's heading further down than it has before.

This may explain my complete detachment from people and feelings. It's like I'm here out of the circle of existence and merely an observer of others' lives. It's like my life is not real and I could disappear at anytime.

Is it not ok that when I lie I follow through with everything, so much so that I almost forget myself that I am in fact lying? Like today.

It's getting late and if I want my Monday to not feel like complete shit I should go sleep soon. I think I'll take my bike to school, my parents aren't here to nag and I don't have any activities after school tomorrow. It'll be nice, I think.
It's a bit boring without my parents, but I think I like it better, I'm don't have as much "about to have a bloody panic attack" moments now. I'm a lot calmer when I'm left alone like this, although that might not necessarily be a good thing, because it also means I cannot be fucked to do any homework or study for anything. e.g. The math test last friday that I'm pretty sure I colossally fucked up.

I don't have much problems with living alone, except I leave things all over the place. I should get an apartment when I live alone. I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm fine with cooking and grocery shopping for myself, I turn the tv on for sound so it doesn't seem too quite to work and everything is fine.

I could go on but this post is probably pretty pointless.

Fleeting bonds

Friendship seems like quite a volatile thing, especially here, where people drift between each other, only stopping over for mere weeks or months. I'm not sure if the friends I have now will last, which makes me a bit sad, because I quite like them and the way we fit together. We have all our little customs no one really started, but they just naturally became habits, like lunch outside and where we go at break. The seasons are changing, and people are changing, I'm not sure how long this can last. It's been a while since I've sunk deep into the warped well of depression, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been there. I'm still struggling to stop forgetting things and leaving things out because they don't seen like they matter when I'm at home, or because I think I could die any second and what's the point. That problem is still quite prominent, maybe even more so, this week. It is these friends I guess which sort of muffled out the screeching insanity that was chug-chug-chugging my way on the railroad to hell. so I can ignore it, maybe it's even slowed down, I'm not sure.

Just watching people drift to each other, then away, completely hating each other after. I wonder if that might happen to me. I'm not accustomed to this, I'm used to the same people, the same personalities, for years at a time. I've already drifted from one group, mostly because they're a bit dull to be honest, and I can't settle for dull, boring or safe right now. I hope these times keep up or get better.

This week has been quite bad, to say the least, I just want it to end.

fizzle and burn

Well at least I did my homework before doing this.

I don't really think half the things I do through, e.g. I spent half an hour setting things on fire in the bathroom and putting them in a wet mug to fizzle out. Now my hair smells like smoke and so does the bathroom. Today went pretty slowly though.

I was thinking about the times where the world just goes too fast for you. Like you're barely moving and everyone's moving on. People talk but you can't understand, you try but everything is muffled and you don't catch words, just sounds. Everything is just lights and sounds. You just want everything to slow down, to stop completely even, just so you can get back in. So you can spin the same speed. Then there comes those times everything is moving painfully slowly, not because their boring or embarrassing. Just because. It feels like you're lunging forward, but nothing's moving with you and you're trapped. The nervousness builds and the anxiety follows but you can't explain why, and you're heart beats faster while everyone else's doesn't. Your head races too, and sometimes there's even a buzzing in your ear,you try to slow down and catch words, movements, anything, but you always miss, because you're reaching too early. It's either one or the other most of the time for me. All I am is this lone being, detached from a universe where everything is connected. It's hard to illustrate these feelings, this feeling of isolation even, with full knowledge that there are people that feel the same or at least similar.

The world is spinning too slow now, and I am lunging forward at nothing.

I don't really care if people know what my tumblr url is anymore. so...
 http://bruce-bayne.tumblr.com/
it's not like I'll be making personal posts anymore, that ship sailed when people from my current school found out my url.

procrastination rules the nation

I'm really supposed to be watching The Kite Runner while doing Add Math right now, but noooooo. I know I always say that I'd rather read the book first then watch the movie, but there is no time for that. I'm a slow reader and I need to have this book review out in 3 days and in Chinese nonetheless. I'm already reading the english one, cause fat hope getting me to finish the chinese version in 2 weeks. I also have a dentist appointment in about 30mins and this really is messing up my work schedule, but it isn't like I stick to it anyway. Well just checking my homework calender and there is so much stuff to do, and that probably is only about half of it since I forget to write down anything most of the time. God save me. All I've been doing this week is going on IA, eating after IA, going for a sleepover, drinking alone, wasting time on tumblr while my parents are home. HELP ME. My room looks like shit and nothing makes me want to do any work or even practice on the drums or learn new songs on the guitar. I NEED A REASON TO LIVE.

I kinda always wished my 17th birthday would be spent at the underwater world in sentosa, because that was where I spent my 7th birthday. I guess that's not happening next year.

So I'm not home alone anymore, my parents came back tonight. Well I really wasn't home alone much this time, because I went over to Alex's for a sleepover. I like sleepovers, if they're good, you always ended up talking about things when it gets late, and you get to know people better and you hear good stories all around. Plus you have lots of fun when you play games like blind clothes roulette (which is what I will call it) and you see a guy is tight revealing knitted tops on top of other tops and cardigans and jeggings. So that night was definitely fun and I feel a bit more trusting to these people, I dunno, maybe after more time I may be able to talk about proper feelings I have to them instead of just listening to theirs and trying to help them. Maybe I could let people help me someday. I'm a bit too guarded for that right now, maybe in time I won't be. I'm not sure, I am trying to let go a bit. I like the friends I have now, there isn't much bitch drama and it isn't completely safe and boring. (not to offend anyone but the people I used to hang out with more often were boring, and way too easily taken aback, like why can't I make sex jokes?) I think I can start to settle in a bit more and stop drifting to the dark as often. I think I can be a little bit optimistic now.

camping is (not so) fun.

I just got back from my silver IA practise trip, which mostly was kayaking and camping and fucking up your entire digestive system and chafing your bum and getting bad tan lines and sunburns. Well it surprisingly wasn't complete hell like the last trip to yaolin for the bronze practise, sometimes being a pessimist makes things turn out a lot better in comparison. I also found out that people don't turn out the way you think they are all the time (well I already knew that) but sometimes they turn out better than what you perceive them to be. Which is, of course, a nice surprise that you can't tell anyone because they would think you're a judgmental bitch.
Well other than (pardon my explicitness) not taking a shit for 4 whole days, nothing went particulary wrong, except I didn't like the guide I got cause she always makes you think you're making bad decisions, (I fucking hate it when people do that, it actually makes me want to punch them in the face - which is what 6 to 7 year old me would do, but maybe not in the face)
I was in the all girls group cause there were only a handful of girls this year. The boys colossally fucked up, and we would have been the only group to pass if this were the real trip. One of the boys groups didn't even bring gas, so they wouldn't have been able to cook any dinner if it wasn't for us, we also gave them food among other things, because one of them forgot to bring the bread. The other boys group also failed for various other reasons.  So I'd rather proud of my group, and I got to know people from my year I wouldn't normally talk to, so that was nice. I still feel like the awkward out of place one all of the time, but well, at least there was interaction with other people.

I'm currently home alone for today, tomorrow and most of thursday, so I'm going for a barbeque at Alex's house and sleeping over. I should pack but really I'm too fucking tired to do anything. I just spent to whole time back drinking starbucks, eating a massive burger with sweet potato fries and a ceaser salad on my own. Then drinking (alcohol) and watching Dexter. (I really need to not get into the habit of drinking alone) the first episode of season 7 WAS FUCKING INTENSE. I am so excited for this season.

late night blogging

I've just been thinking. I'm kind of going to write a condensed account of what its like to be depressed and suicidal for all the people who think the people who want to kill themselves are fucking stupid.

When you're depressed, most of the time you're just sad and you can't pinpoint a reason for your sadness. Everything and anything is dull and unexciting, even things you used to love, everything loses it's luster, nothing seems worth doing. You try to be interested in things and people and how other people feel, you try to keep conversations going, but it's as if you physically are not capable of being a complete human being. There isn't just the feeling of being alone or lonely, it is as if you are completely detached from society and all the things around you, it doesn't matter if you know that there are other depressed people around, you still feel as if you are the only person in this disjointed part of the world. You lose focus on most things, and you mentally drift in and out of being where you physically are. The days all blend into one, and memories are foggy and don't seem to be yours, they are more like recounts of a tv show you watched, and not a good tv show.

Then there is the complete and utter despair that overwhelms you, seemingly totally by surprise. It feels like you're drowning, and sometimes you lose the ability to speak for a while. Sometimes you just beg to not be where you are, and to return to wherever it is you can be completely alone. Sometimes you spend hours just lying on the floor, doing nothing, and moving very little. You can't concentrate, which makes school very hard. You can't be invested in any relationships, which makes you more distant from everyone than you already are.

You look around and see how truly alone you are, how really everyone could live on without you. There's the feeling of complete hopelessness, because you can't fix yourself. You need help, but there's too much to explain to really get anyone to completely understand. So there are the options, die or live on going down this god forsaken path, becoming sadder and sadder by the day, just decaying overall. Death seems about right now, doesn't it? People can go on without you, they might be sad, they might not be, but people move on in the end.

Suicidal thoughts just don't stop appearing in your head, when you're with your friends, when you're in car. There really isn't a time or place, or specific things that trigger them off anymore, they just come. Would you understand feeling the almost NEED to throw yourself out of a moving car on a highway? Sometimes these things are too hard to bare, and you try, you try to end it, and sometimes you fail. Failing just makes it worst, because all you think of is how you can't even do that right. It just makes you feel more worthless. You think about how you don't really care about anyone anymore, and how little you feel about everything, and you see that you really aren't a person anymore, you're just a shell. You may look, speak, and feel like a human being, with flesh and bone and all the other physical aspects, but you don't have the emotional capacity to be one. So if you aren't a person, what's the point of living a person's life, spending money that isn't yours, buying new things you may not use for long, connecting with people you just might leave very soon, what is the point?

This is pretty summarised already, I tried my best to let people understand.

Post Concert Feels

I am completely drained and blogging. Went to the Maroon 5 concert last night, I was disappointed The Cab couldn't come too ( all because of the retarded Chinese customs that effed up and kept half the band from getting in) I think we should get a partial refund for that though. Well the concert was AMAZING, and I could not fathom all the feelings I felt when the lights went out and I first heard the telephone ringing (but there was a lot of happy and some about-to-piss-myself excitement), I was on my feet the entire time even though it was an all seated concert. (fuck the people behind, they stood up later on anyway) I would like to thank the lady that was diagonally in front of us for contributing to making the night the best night ever, she was getting so crunk with all the songs. IT WAS HILARIOUS. We spent a lot of the concert dancing however she was dancing, while singing our hearts out.
I loved the part were Adam stopped singing This Love and let the audience take over and it was just this epic singing in unison and it felt like you were part of this extraordinary thing, because everyone knew all the lyrics. This is why you go for concerts, because you always feel like you're a part of something bigger.
Nevertheless Adam's hotness factor was through the roof, (even though I am not on board with the mustache, I mean the stubble is working for him, but not a mustache) and he ripped off his shirt sleeves and he played the drums (Which is just hnnnnng). I think James might have hurt himself a little, cause it looked like he had a bad landing for one of his epic guitar playing jumps.


The "do you wanna dance medley" (which is what I'm going to call it) was fucking amazing, freaking Don't You Want Me, then Sexy Back, a hint of gangnam style and right into Moves Like Jagger, I WAS DANCING (my fucking ass off).

The cover of 7 Nation Army too, and just a hint of skrillex.

If I could do it all again, I would spend so much more money on tickets! SO MUCH MORE. why can't Coldplay or The Maine come? or maybe The Killers, or 30 seconds to mars, or Panic! at the disco!? I'm really reaching for the stars here, but really, my life is just movies, bands and TV shows.

Before the concert was pretty funny too, cause we pretended to be 29 year old Chantelle with a 16 year old son, Sanjay (whom she calls sungay because he's gay) on omegle and this australian guy actually talked to us for a pretty long time.

Also I have been using tumblr language more and more in real life and I think I should tone it down, because it might be confusing people.

Not even real.

That's what this week will be like, because on who gives a shit about the biology test I have tomorrow when I'm seeing Maroon 5 and The Cab on Tuesday! (so fucking excited for that!) I'm sorry I don't know why I swear so much now, but it happens. Then on Saturday morning it's off to Yaolin (again, omg that place was HELL last time) for IA, where I hope I don't die. I swear if the bloody flood gates don't open tomorrow and instead happen when I'm on IA I'm going to be so fucking mad. I hope the cuts I got all over the soles of my feet and shins close up by then, because we'll be in the water 80% of the time, at least, I don't want to get bloody infections. I swear I'm the biggest wound magnet, literally everywhere I go, I come back with some scar or another.

well I haven't even started revising for bio, I shall try my best to do that during lunch. whoops, I really need to see the counselor bout this inability to do any homework at home, it doesn't make any bloody sense. I've just been watching Bad Education (which is hilarious.... "I'm fifteen and he's twenty-three, what will it feel like?" "ILLEGAL CHANTALLE!") and doing things like thinking about make-up (I don't even know why), looking at facebook and twitter AND tumblr all day. I don't know, we went out for lunch and then nothing seemed worth doing, I really need to get my shit together.

I am going to be in the same place as Adam Levine in less than 2 days though. *fangirl feels*

always should be doing something else

Well right now I'm supposed to be packing for China Week, but I'm here doing this. I also should have done my homework, but I think I forgot to take it home with me yesterday, oh well. I've just been thinking about things that really don't help me feel any better, like I always do. Just sometimes I feel like I'll be alone forever, you know it's been sixteen years and nothing has happened to me love wise. (actually nothing.) Right now it's not really a problem, because I don't like anyone, but I just think nothing's going to happen forever. All these 11 and 12 year olds getting into relationships just makes me feel like I'm missing out on being a teenager, or something along that line. Maybe it's because I'm physically unattractive and legitimately the hardest person to hold a conversation with.

I'm half looking forward to china week, half not.Well its probably going to be fun cause we're going sea kayaking and possibly surfing (I only managed to stand on the board once last year for half a second, well maybe I'll do better this time) and the class my class is grouped with is ok I guess. Well I don't know, I never get excited for school trips nowadays, cause it's not like I'm staying with someone I completely love. I used to be, like if I was going on a trip with the Yuzhen and heather and all the other netballers and basketballers I would be so fucking excited, but right now that's not the case. Part of the reason why I'm not that excited is probably because I have a ton of overdue homework and more homework on top of that to complete and I just want to burn everything and fade away, it could also be because I look fat and disgusting in a swim suit. well. I should get back to packing now.

nights like these

I have that ridiculous Add Math test tomorrow, pretty convinced I'm not scoring for that. Well I'm having a hard time falling asleep even though I was incredibly tired and lethargic all day long, so now I'm blogging in bed. Just thinking about things. My friend cried cause she didn't understand math today, honestly she needs to get a grip, when she cries over trivial matters like these I honestly just want to slap her on the face and ask her to get a hold of herself. "IT IS JUST FUCKING MATH" What happens when she's faced with bigger problems? I don't want her going through a complete mental breakdown tbh, that shit is not for everyone. Especially because I feel she's kind of mentally weak, and way more short tempered and unable to hide her emotions well. She probably will not be able to pick herself up, her parents may have to step in, I don't know why, I'm completely insulting her, aren't I? I just feel she's weaker, mentally.
I think that's a really bitch move to make, since I don't really know what's going on with her. I don't really know what's going with anyone. Mostly I think I'm trying to distract myself.

I mentioned my attempt at math homework yesterday, and that was my first attempt at doing homework at home all year long, and it was a complete tragedy.
Today isn't a good day either my stomach is being a complete bitch which is part of the reason why I can't sleep. I've been thinking about things I might say to the counselor, I don't want to give away too much, because I don't want her calling my parents. That would screw things up, my family never talks about real feelings. I think my brother and I are pretty fucked up inside. When I found out he was suicidal before (which was completely by accident, on tumblr) I was sad, unexpectedly, very very sad. I mean what the fuck is wrong with my family? Both children want to kill themselves and my parents know nothing, and they think that we are all spoilt brats that get too much. I'm not saying we're great children, we are pretty ungrateful, but my family know nothing about each other. I only know what my brother likes and does because occasionally I go on his facebook page to check out his music.

I still miss my brother though, just him being there. It felt like I wasn't the only one trapped here, that I wasn't the only subjected to my father's ridiculous mood swings and anger management problems. That usualy when we were together we could just roll our eyes and ignore it. Now that I'm alone it just gets under my skin and makes me want to get out of the car on the highway or scream and punch someone in the face (I am not even joking here) sometimes I want my brother to hold my hand, but them I remember we've never held hands and supported each other, and I've never been there for him so why should he be here for me?

this was long and rather unfruitful.

timing

I really wanted to see the counselor this week but she's not here all week long, then there's china week, so I kind of have to put it off for two weeks. I mean I really geared myself up to go get help and my timing is all off.
Today was another one of those days where I was completely out of 'it'. Everything felt quite distant and I was dreadfully tired all day long. I felt sick as soon as the bus started pulling up in school, not because I was actually sick, but because I just didn't want to be there. Most of the time I'm in school, I wish I could be home curled up alone in my bed, just not having to think about going back to school ever again. It's not because I hate the people but (there's nothing wrong with the people) I just completely hate the way I feel when I'm there. So obviously, I didn't learn anything today, cause half the time my mind was half drifting to the darkness, and I got a headache from the drifting in and out of reality and constantly spacing out.
I exercised today, cause I convinced myself I was a lazy piece of shit.
then I spent god knows how long just lying on the floor doing nothing.
well I'm trying to do math now and I can't solve shit because I can't focus, god I hate math, so what if I got a fucking 97%, I still don't like it. I don't like doing most of the things I'm good at. And I'm rubbish at everything I'm interested in. Oh the irony.
I want to slit my throat and die in a pool of my own blood. fuck everything. nothing is worth doing anything for.

late nights with my mind

I'm always hung up on how I don't really believe in anything, I have no religion or no faith in anything. It just makes my life seem more bleak. The only thing I honestly believe in is the gradual decline of our society, with its diminishing morals and complete lack of elegance in excepting anything. I believe in the deterioration of what is chasteness, and the slow but sure eradication of virtue. Because, as society seems to get better, it really is getting worse. The 12 year olds having sex, not because they are of marriageable age and have been sent to be wed, but because they genuinely wanted to, and because they think its 'cool'. The tastelessness in what is now mainstream music, with no lyrics with significance, just the repetitive drone of beats that get drummed into your head. The introduction to suicide in children's television, the references to relationships and sex in those same shows. The pressure for children to perform better at a younger age. We are slowly carving our social and mental decline. Younger and younger children falling into the trenches of depression.

Everything I believe in is morbid and doleful, won't someone make me believe in something opposing these views. I really need a turn in my life.

practically ruining my own life

help, I haven't completed a single piece of homework, at home, for the current school year. Its not like I'm not trying, every time I sit down to do something I blank out. Then I spend the rest of the time on the internet, and when there's nothing left to do on the internet I just sit and think about how nothing is important, and homework can just go fuck itself, and how much I would rather be drowning in icy cold water than be here, right now.

This is the worst cause I'm just making everything harder for myself, and I start having almost-panic attacks and everything caves in and I want to throw up, when I realise all the shit I haven't done is due the next day. Like right now, I didn't even bring home my sports studies homework, I can't solve anything in the add math homework and I can't sit down to do the biology homework. I literally do it standing up and answer 1 question every 10mins or so. Nothing is working. Oh wait, there's still Geography.

I wished I lived someone else, maybe I could learn to drive since I'm 16 and I could drive off a cliff or over a bridge.

bloody homework is the least of my problems, because I still would be a colossal mess if I didn't have that problem. When am I going to be able to talk to people and not constantly lie for no fucking reason? When am I going to be able to keep an actual conversation going? When am I going to get some fucking will power? When am I going to be treated like a 16 year old, I mean fucking hell, why can't I ride my fucking bike to school? WHY THE HELL DO YOU ONLY TREAT ME LIKE I'M 16 WHEN IT IS FUCKING EASY FOR YOU?

I'm a bit on edge now, because I just got a tooth pulled out and I'm in the between numbness and pain stage and everything seems like nothing, vice versa.

help.

Talked to a friend today, and found we were both pretty fucking down the depression spiral. Its kind of a bittersweet thing, because at least we have someone who understand how completely shit you feel and the oddest of time, but at the same time its sad someone feels as bad as I do. The feelings of going home just sitting in front of your computer, just aimlessly scrolling through tumblr or the web, just not doing anything of any value; thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. I haven't done a single piece of homework at home this year, all my homework's been done during registration or lunch and break. I completely fucking up this year, which is sad cause this year I have to take my IGCSEs.

So I'm seriously considering going to the counselor sometime soon, cause a friend told me it sort of helped, that it was just nice to tell someone everything. I really need to, before I do something stupid, like last time. That fucking hurt for days. I hope I can trust her, and she won't tell my parents, cause that will fuck shit up even more and I'll probably get worse.

I've been trying to overlook my birthday, but it's tomorrow. All I wanted to do is come home from school and sleep the whole day away, but there's cake, which I don't mind, so I asked a couple of friends to come over. Then we're going for dinner. I wanted to go for dinner on Saturday instead, cause I always feel more tired than usual on Friday, but Dad doesn't listen. The most ridiculous part is that he ASKED me if I wanted to go on Friday or Saturday and I said Saturday, but he just hears whatever he wants to hear I guess. I don't want to be sixteen cause everything seems to get worse as I get older. Sixteen is supposed to be this big fucking thing but I don't want to do anything about it, I think I might regret this later, but right now I'd just rather not think about it. I just want to stop everything right now, but time is a spinning loom that never stops and it continues to weave my existence no matter my protests.

Thunder buddies for life.

So I got some early Birthday presents, and Ted was one of them.(I have a Thunder buddy for life now-even though I'm not afraid of thunder) Favourite ones so far are my DC comics Batman Converse high tops and Ted. Shh don't tell my other friends. I really need to get a larger Batman Begins poster, it doesn't go well with my other 2 posters of the trilogy.

Well today was pretty monotonous, boring, didn't feel like I was actually there as usual; every day just blends into another and nothing is particularly motivating for me. Well I heard one of my friends went to the counselor, then I think I saw some cuts on her wrists, so I asked her about them, but she didn't want to say and just covered them up with her cardigan. I didn't want to prod because I probably already made her uncomfortable, if it is what it seems to be, that is; I didn't ask again. I hope she's alright though, I'd rather no one feel the way I do most of the time, cause it fucking sucks. I'd rather be completely jealous of all the happy people around me. I'd rather everyone else feel better than me. The only reason I don't self harm is because my skins scars like a bitch, and one cut would be marked on my arm forever.

The whole issue of people talking about other people going to the counselor just puts me off from going. I probably really need one, or maybe a therapist, but I'm not going to go to one because I don't like other people knowing part of something and then judging me. Because I think I'll look weak, and I never want to be seen that way.

I've been getting more muddled lately, forgetting things and screwing up schedules, forgetting people. I already fucked up chinese for the year, cause I didn't do the goddamn book review, but every time I tired to do it, I want to bash my head into the wall or go try drowning myself in the tub again. I couldn't think of anything to write, cause I would get ridiculously angry with myself for begin so stupid and useless at this subject, and it was all downhill from there.

I have a lot of other feelings, but I'd rather not delve into them now. It's getting late. I wish it was a holiday right now, my birthday used to always be during the holiday. Still can't focus on anything at this time of the month cause I've spent 7 years doing nothing every time it was this time. I'm probably not as excited for my birthday as some of my friends are, I don't know. sweet sixteen? doesn't make a difference does it.

well, f--- me.

well, so the regular ridiculous conversation we have during lunch changed a bit today, we started talking about wanting to be here. Out of the 6 of us that were talking only, one of us liked this place, most of us wanted to leave once we got here, and I wanted to leave once I was told I was coming here. So fuck it, I'm staying here for at least another 3 years, till I'm done with IB. I was wondering if no one wants to be here why do I have to be in the one who is losing control of my life because of my monumental feelings of purposelessness and melancholy. I have to get my shit together, I mean if other people can, why can't I?
Turning 16, is that supposed to be a big deal? maybe in America, you get a car, you get extra freedom, well I'm not getting any of that here am I? I can't even get a goddamn electric vespa to ride to school. My curfew isn't changing, fuck mom 14 year olds can stay out till 2am, what is the problem with me staying out till 11, I mean I don't come home drunk or do drugs, and I rarely even go out. 16 isn't going to change anything for me, I'm not suddenly going to become talented, or mentally sound, or attractive, I'm not going to get to swap my skin for actual proper skin that doesn't becoming fucking retarded and scar for a decade because of a scrape. I'm not going to miracullously lose weight, or be able to wear all the things I want to wear but can't, cause of other reasons I would rather not discuss.My family isn't going to start talking about feelings, I'm not going to trust people enough to talk about feelings face to face, so shit won't change, it might even get worse.

New things

I really want to start this thing where I learn something new every summer, so I don't feel like a completely useless/talentless person. Last summer I taught myself to ride a bike, and this summer I was really planning on teaching myself to roller blade, but all the holidays are leaving me with no time at all. I'm not saying I didn't like the US trip or that I don't like staying in SG, just that there's kind of a downside to everything. Well now I really want to learn to skateboard instead of roller blade, I guess I could learn to roller blade next summer. The only problem is where am I going to get a skateboard in shanghai where I practically can't go out alone (this is actually the worst cause I like going out alone.) And I have to get it as soon as we get back so I get maximum time to teach myself, and still get time to do all the damn holiday homework which I haven't even started. TRULY HATE HOLIDAY HOMEWORK. The definition of holiday is: day(s) of festivity or recreation when no work is done seriously why can't people abide by the rules, there should be no such thing as holiday homework. Regular goddamn homework already makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

urgh longboards are bloody awesome, but I'm probably going to get an inexpensive regular skateboard just to get started. Hope mom doesn't flip shit when I bring one back, I mean fuck it, I'll wear knee and elbow pads ok.

Haven't had any conversations about feelings to anyone for a very long time, I don't even remember how long. Just I don't know how to start, and most of the time I'd rather try to help other people with their problems. Mostly I feel distant from everyone I know and I probably have big trust issues with all people, I don't know, sometimes it feels like I'm involuntarily combust if I don't talk about all the shit I feel. Usually I just choose to ignore it when I'm with people cause it's easier, but when I'm alone it eats at my insides, finding its way out, but there's no one to talk to so it just stays there.
I don't know what I'm saying so I should stop.

on another note, I did watch Moonrise Kingdom (alone.) and I really enjoyed. It might be because I'm biased, cause I really like Wes Anderson's movies, but truthfully, I think lots more people should go see this movie. I really like the way he makes movies with characters than are ultimately completely relate-able, and yet placed in situations and worlds that seem more surreal than realistic. I don't really have the words to describe it. These characters are completely human, but they are somewhat bolder, or certain aspects of them are more amplified, and the world they're in is realistic but with certain quite unrealistic aspects. Does that sound like complete bullshit? Anyway Wes Anderson always has movies that deal with things like troubled children/childhood and odd love, and the colour palette he uses in the movies are always very pretty.

So moonrise kingdom was well worth the money, but there were only what 8 people in the theater. This movie will make you laugh and go aww, and all kinds of things. Edward Norton as the scout master was pretty funny, and comparing him to the characters he's played in other movies, just makes me like him even more as an actor. I can't totally describe how I feel about the entire movie.
well you should watch it to get your own opinion.

p.s. really liked the part they were dancing on the beach, it was funny, yet kind of a coming of age moment.

Beliefs

I don't really believe in anything that I can't see. I mean I don't have a religion, cause I don't really believe there's a god or anything like that. I don't really believe there are things after death, I think ghosts are just things from movies and stories, I think when you die, you're dead and that's the end of it. I think I don't really have faith in anything either, I'm rather pessimistic...
Really I think it started with my mom, she doesn't have a religion either, but she is kind of on the fence about everything. She doesn't believe in anything, not completely, but she isn't convinced they don't exist. There's nothing solid about what she thinks. I mean I was never really around an environment where people really believed in things that weren't tactile and try to make me believe too. My mom always places doubts in my mind about people, about things, she kind of takes the fun out of everything by being overly realistic or just pushing dumb 'facts' she thinks are true. I loathe it.

I think it's kind of better to have things to believe in cause you have something to fall on, something to hope for. I really have nothing to turn to, no person, no higher power, but I can't just "join a religion" because I don't want to trick myself into believing things I really don't trust. I don't really know why I'm saying all these things, just a lot of people I know have religions and I'm the only one who just has nothing to believe in.

Probably gonna watch Moonrise Kingdom alone  tomorrow, since everyone I know is in school and no one I talked to really knows/likes Wes Anderson anyway.  Hope I enjoy it as much as his other movies.
Don't really have a problem eating, going to movies, shopping alone anymore, guess I'm getting used to being alone most of the time. I actually like being alone most of the time, I usually only want to spend time with my friends, or my mom (occasionally).

Just heard the acoustic version of Into Your Arms by The Maine, like it a bit more than the studio version.

Went back to school

Went back to Nan Hua today. It was nice to meet all my friends and see people I haven't seen in ages. Almost couldn't get it, luckily the security guard recognised me and let me just be around the canteen.
Met up with my old classmates before that, Zen Young, Hou Joo and Leon are still ridiculously and slightly crudely funny. Nevertheless it was just all laughs.

Discussions about the Human Centipede were oddly amusing but mostly gross. I mean who the fuck comes up with this kind of shit, and the second one, oh god, just reading the plot synopsis makes me want to dunk my brain in a vat of rubbing alcohol. Seriously at least Martyrs had some kind of meaning behind it, this is just some fucked up dude stitching people together.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm not leaving today, I can spend a little more time with my friends and also watch Moonrise Kingdom (Wes Anderson! Whoop!)

 

Already watch The Dark Knight Rises twice which was AMAZING, possibly because Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale are one of my favourite directors and actors. Also had time to watch Memento, which was THE BEST. I can't explain with words how great I found that movie...just...if you haven't watched it yet GO, GO WATCH IT NOW.