I'm am unbelievably fat now. UNBELIEVABLY. I need to loose at least 10 kilos. 10!

it feels like it's just me

So, now I live in Shanghai. Yup long story there, cause I haven't been here in an entire year and more, a lot has a happened.

I came here cause there's almost nowhere to go, really, even tumblr, cause everyone is on it now. Really, it's ridiculous, how did so many people find me?

About me living in shanghai, I absolutely hate it here. Not the country, I think, ok maybe a little, but it's cause I dread every aspect of moving. My parents have been the most insensitive to me, they asked my brother so many times, how he felt about moving to our grandparents, cause there really is no point bringing him over, cause he has poly to finish then NS. They never once asked me, they waited till people asked me, people I don't even want to talk to. Am I supposed to say anything other than "oh, it's ok" then nod my head. Am I supposed to tell the truth to those people? What The Fuck, I'M THE ONE THAT'S MOVING WITH YOU, when the hell does my opinion come in. No, no one asked me, they just told me.

It's completely stupid, living here, that is. First of all, there is no TWITTER, YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK, and a ton of other sites. Oh and I'm pretty sure I have depression, cause I have insomnia sometimes, then early morning wakefulness or whatever it's called. Oh and the I-hate-my-life-I-hate-everyone-I-see always comes into play. I don't want to go out, I don't want to talk to people, I can't concentrate on anything. You what's the best of it all, I imagine every possible way I could die, like when I'm in the car, "boom" car crash, it's very vivid, very, very,vivid. I look up at the ceiling to see where I could possibly tie a noose. I wonder how long it would take for me to go cold. I wonder if I could smother myself, if I could hold on long enough for that. I wonder a lot of things, sometimes I wish we had I gun somewhere, that would end fast. That's suicidal isn't it?

My parents are the most inconsiderate people, I mean I had friends, friends I've been with for 8 years. Friends I spent almost everyday of the past 2 years with. You know what they said, "you can find knew friends" I mean, I've lived with you guys and all, haven't you noticed I am the most socially awkward person in the family, I'm even awkward with my friends, the fuck do you want me to do? I can't even start a freaking conversation. Aside from that, I had goals. I was actually working hard, the hardest I'd ever tried for something. Why did they think I went for training every time, why else would I stay, no matter how many times I got scolded, no matter how many times I felt like utter shit (well thanks dad, now I feel like utter shit everyday and I don't even have to be scolded, nothing has to be done, I wake up feeling like that) , that I wasn't improving, that I should just leave cause I was useless to the team. I stayed because I wanted to play, to play and to win, you know, how bad I want to play with my team, how bad I wanted to make it into the B 'div and play in the competition. I think I made it, you know, but I'll never play now, not with them again. My parents think it's just the games I want to play the sport, but it's the people too, I don't want to play with some other team, it is not the same.

Oh, and my dad, he is just freaking top class, really. I mean I've never seen an older child. Nice one dad, you're a fifty-something giving mom and me the finger secretly behind your back, did you think no one would see? Nice one dad, I've never seen any other child get angry when they dropped a pen on the floor. Nice one dad, blaming everything on it being FRIDAY. Nice one dad, I thought you'd be happier here, but you get angry more often here. Nice one dad, for making me feel more like shit by getting angry like everyday like every hour or more. WHY DON'T YOU JUST HIT ME OR SOMETHING, AT LEAST I'LL HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON TO FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT MY LIFE.

well this isn't all but I don't think I should type anymore.


it really feels like it's just me

I've moved

http://minimalistic-existence.tumblr.com/

cause I'm to lazy for blogger and tumblr is simpler :)
I may post here sometimes, continue tagging (:
see you there...

it isn't just me

The umbrella was too small for the both of us
but the umbrella shielded us from the cold world
Now it seems much to big and awkward.
Your left shoulder always got so wet
I hang my head with the weight of the memories
My shoelaces are untied, undone
and all thats next to me is the rain and wind
(not there) is a person that will hold my umbrella for a while

they make even the smallest so meaningful

With a cup of black coffee and the book I always read.
I flip through the book page by page thoughtlessly, with my eyes closed.

To kill some time, I have abandoned myself.
The coffee that I drink everyday,
Is bitter today and I miss the sweetness from yesterday.

epic high's lyrics are poetry

it isn't just me

this morning wad bad
but after that it was hella funny, and crazy, etc as per usual when I'm with my friends
they are the people that make me feel its ok for me not to get the water break during training
cause they'll be the ones getting it.
its ok it I get marked cause, they won't be getting marked.

I seriously have to complete my homework
I still have plenty
oh, damn, I just wish the school actually considered holidays, simply as holidays, no homework
no extra lesson, and whatnot
oh holidays, there are so many places I wanna go
USA
korea (I wanna eat the street food, and maybe go to some music programmes)
japan(cherry blossoms!)
EUROPE(who doesn't wanna go there)
england too...
what world cup matches today are interesting?

today we fought over those poofy stickers I loved (and still do) when I was young.
talk about connecting with your inner child...

to my real friends
I love you guys
我爱你(wo ai ni)
사랑합(saranghae!)


on another note, this MV is so sad/touching (plus jinwoon! ><)


it isn't just me

This morning sucked
I shan't go into further details cause I shall be looking up my secret smile list
its all because I didn't think happy thoughts this morning
spoilt my day
anyways, at least I got something new to add to my S.Smiles list
jasmine's sorry sorry dance (its hilarious, seriously, the expression plus the spastic movements!)

I was spent went I got home, and so I slept, for more than 2 hours
tomorrow I shall recuperate
and try to comeback stronger and better
cause no matter how he fcking shows his favouritism, I won't be bothered, not anymore...

I'll do well, cause I believe.

it isn't just me

Bam! I'm sick again, this is the 2nd time this week...=.=
missed training today.missed after training study group :(

still had fun @ bernice's yesterday
it was EPIC!
zoom zoom zoom
pair of perverts.lol
Brands left early
and then there 5
Ricia,Marvin,Bernice,Heather and me
In the end we barely did any homework

but we had fun!

watched a little of dorian grey on marvin's Iphone
stupid person dun wanna believe [one com to one Iphone]
so his attempt at sync-ing was a failure

after that went to tiong
and ate a long johns, then went home

this morning,
I woke up with the flu...=.=

shall read the secret soon
so I can become a better person

it isn't just me

Six Billion Secrets - FMS #22176

this is sad...

the holidays are here...
oh it is so exciting....
you think?
I have like a pile of homework
then trainings
plus my ankle, its just screwed up
I'm not going anywhere
I'm just here the whole month

I actually wanna go somewhere this month
cause for a while I wanna forget about everything
in a foreign place, seeing new things
but I can't do that this time

gosh, I think my life is miserable....=.=

watching cinderella's sister ep 18 now, have to watch part 2 with Chi subs cause the eng subbed one won't work..=.=
sigh, its in traditional chinese...=.=
I still have to watch it, ep 17's jungwoo's birthday part plus the learning "bo peep bo peep" dance part was damn funny
but most of the other parts were sad..T.T
I still haven't cried yet...

random : Out of all the 2PM songs Taec thinks ‘I hate you’ is the best
SAME HERE xp
it isn't just me

could I have someone to talk to right now
I think I'm sinking
say something to me
something that you actually mean,I tired of the fake shit!
maybe everyone doesn't like me now
not a single person I want to talk to knows this, Right?
but I hope they'll say something
I wish it'd happen sooner
hope it'll happen before
I can't take it anymore
can you please listen cause
soon I think I may give up

oh nevermind....
I think I can just shut up now, its the holidays
(now I'm more alone then ever...)