pendulum swings

There is distinctly something wrong with me and I don't even know how to begin fixing it. I've been turning to locking myself in the closet and falling asleep there more often when the anxiety builds up and that just makes me feel worse after even though it calms me down at that moment. All I am doing is wasting time. I haven't done close of half of the revision I was supposed to do and there are only about 7 days left. I don't know whether the anxiety is from that or if its because everyday I realise, more and more, that I want to be as far away from my dad as possible. Because he is so fucking negative about everything, I can't hold conversations with him, he gets angry about the smallest things and all the time he blames everything on god or just the fucking date, or my mom, and I can't even fucking take it anymore. All this negativity is not what I need now, because I have been quite suicidal for almost 4 years and its been the worst these two years and honestly if this keeps on going I think I might actually try something again and maybe succeed this time.

I cannot handle myself anymore, I can't concentrate, sitting still to study just drives me nuts, and sometimes I feel physically sick or just completely drained of energy even though I've slept a ridiculously normal amount of time. I think I am going to screw up, because of all this, and really I have no one else to blame except myself. Because all this is me not getting my shit together, its me letting everything around me get to me, and its me having zero self control. All this is me not getting a fucking grip and letting things slip away, letting time slip away, and only regretting later on.

I think I might need someone to tell me to get the fuck off the internet and study like every twenty minutes, cause that is actually how much self control I lack. Today I stayed home and I did less than 45mins of studying and that was only for one subject. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST SLAP ME ON THE FACE AND ASK ME TO GET A GRIP.