sometimes I try to grasp at my thoughts

It's late and I've just finished reading The Fault In Ours Stars and I am in quite a melancholy mood. (I also finished reading the hobbit today, so I am quite proud of the two books in one day thing, however that pride is again out weighed by my lack or revision for my impending exams)

Well, I was just thinking about that moment when you just wake up, and you don't quite know where you are, or what day it is. I like those moments, mostly. It gives me a few seconds a day to be in another reality. Sometimes I think I'll wake up in the bed I've slept in from the age of 3 to 14, that I'll be in my old house and see the pictures of my brother as a baby on the wall. I wasn't completely happy then but things were simpler and I had a lot more freedom than I do now, for some absurd reason. Sometimes I wake up and I'm utterly confused as to where I am, but the blankness of my mind is comforting because for however short that moment is I have no past and no present, and no worries. Sometimes I wake up and I feel physically smaller, like I am 7 again. Those times, for the seconds they last, are nice too because when you're 7 most things are easier, even though all you want to do is grow up and the person you hate the most is your annoying older brother. Well I did hate my brother for most of my childhood, I hated him and I loved him all the same, because even though he was annoying and rude, and called me fat all the time, I had fun with him too. The fake fights (that quite often turned into real fights), the made up stories with our own host of made up characters that were completely ridiculous and offensively gory for a couple of kids. Its so much easier to live with someone you hate on the surface but ultimately love, its easier to live with someone you can have fun with. It's so much harder to live with someone you hate so much, with someone you cannot accept or forgive for anything. It is so difficult, because you cannot push this person away, because they're always there and you see all their flaws, and all their mistakes. It is most difficult to live with yourself.