again, it begins.

twisting stomach
burning throat
taste, swallow
don't spit

vice grip
vacant pit
sratch skin
don't bleed

trembling legs
pounding heart
keep pace
don't trip

lock jaw
silent space
speak now
don't plead

What a terrible alliance I have formed with the silence; I cannot breach the void and the hard cement only ever closes in and I remain within the crawl space searching for comfort in darkness, afraid of anything foreign, afraid of sound and light.

Trench

I can't deal with talking to my parents about my university/career plans, firstly, because I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I constantly think about not having a life and secondly, because they are never actually listening to me or trying to learning anything from me. All they ever do is assume they know everything there is to know and they never give me an opportunity to point out their misconceptions, and when they ask me about my opinions they aren't listening to find out about what I want, they're fishing for words that they can latch their ideas to and pitch them to me. I can always see how much they're judging me whenever I don't respond to what they want me to do, I don't even bother speaking anymore, I can feel the building disappointment and I can see it in their faces every time I mention something outside of the two things they want me to do. I can't be in this house with them, I can't go out with them, I can't be in the car with them, I can't be anywhere with them without falling back into the darkness where I want to reach for the easy key.

They aren't bad people and they are trying, but I just don't feel like they're good for me.

adulthood

The only part of being treated like an adult I want is the part where no one tells me where I can and cannot go or how much time I spend in or out of the house. Other than that I don't want it, I don't want to think about money more than I already do, I don't want to plan for a future with a salary and taxes and housing, I don't want to think about being responsible for other people. I want none of that, but life doesn't come with bargains does it?

New year (not so) new me.

Well the new year has rolled it's over-sped ass in, I was hoping it would feel longer. I just realised I will be turning 18 this year and I have literally experienced nothing of substance in my life. I have not loved, nor been loved (romantically...that is, seriously though, I am not lying when I say no one, ever, has said they liked me or had a crush on me or anything close to that, maybe I am just profoundly undesirable my the general public - but not enough to not be cat called and leered at), I have not been brave or risk taking. I also do not know how to do anything 'cool' like skateboard, or snowboard, on shred on the guitar, or dance. I have nothing really to be proud of, because I have not put my mind to anything and achieved it. I still have zero direction in life and, quite honestly, it is terrifying to be turning 18 with no direction. I'm supposed to be applying for universities by the end of this year, I don't even know what to do and it seems like all I'm doing is repeating the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't make myself get my shit together and start finding out, because I also feel like I'm not living, I'm not getting the chance (or taking the chance) to appreciate being young, everything is about the future and really I would like to say 'FUCK THE FUTURE' but a new year in the most recognisable evidence that the future is inevitable and I'd better be prepared for it. I can't proceed with getting rid of the toxic people in my life, because I live with them, and I'm probably the toxic person in their lives too, I just don't want to be surrounded by all this negativity for the majority of my time, I mean I already have enough of it from myself (I am no light in anyone's life).
 I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

7th July 2013

Displace

I want to go places

And see new faces

But I am too afraid of the disgraces

So I stay in my crawl spaces

Away from the embraces

Leaving no traces

The problem with growing up is that there is not gradual way. You are held back and shoved forward at the same time and there is nothing to hold on to as you pinball around.

Fuck being treated like a child and having no say in things you care about, then being asked to decide on a career that you're going to stick to for the rest of your life. You won't even let me have a say in where I live, or what mode of transportation I take. Fuck having to ask permission to go to the bathroom then asking me to be mature and adult like in all situations.  Fuck you never listening to my opinions on things that matter then only asking me shit like where we should go for dinner. Fuck only being treated 'your age' when it is convenient. Fuck always feeling like you owe everyone something because you need to be taken care of.

I can't plan a future if I don't even want to be here today, and I can't ever want kids if all they have to look forward to is me fucking them up and society adding on more to that.

grounded and driven

I never do posts like this, but I really do have to say these things.

 

 

Other than Tom Hiddleston being extremely charming, and probably the nicest person on earth, he is also very intelligent and driven, and I never truly realised this till recently. I think he naturally gives such good advice, to himself and others, and yes I did watch the entire interview (part 1 & 2) which I usually would never do, but simply because everything he was saying was engaging and he is just terribly terribly sweet.

The main thing I've taken from this is that I really shouldn't let fear impede finding out what I want to do and just go ahead and do it. I might fail, but I think there's more regret in not trying at all, I shouldn't let the constant nagging anxiety, that is probably over exaggerated and ridiculous, control my life. Also, I should always aim to be grounded no matter what, because truly, I am not better than any one person.

This man really deserves all the good things happening to him, because honestly, he is such a good sport, is so nice to everyone, and remains humble even with all his success.

afraid

I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.

They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.

Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.

labyrinth of sadness

I haven't been here in a while and it's because I've been absolutely swamped in school. Our introduction to IB was basically a baptism with FIRE. I had no idea what was going on and still have no idea, it's like I've been thrown into a dodge ball court with no prior notice and am just trying to catch what I can and not get hit.

China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY  a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)

On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?

My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.

I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.