Well the new year has rolled it's over-sped ass in, I was hoping it would feel longer. I just realised I will be turning 18 this year and I have literally experienced nothing of substance in my life. I have not loved, nor been loved (romantically...that is, seriously though, I am not lying when I say no one, ever, has said they liked me or had a crush on me or anything close to that, maybe I am just profoundly undesirable my the general public - but not enough to not be cat called and leered at), I have not been brave or risk taking. I also do not know how to do anything 'cool' like skateboard, or snowboard, on shred on the guitar, or dance. I have nothing really to be proud of, because I have not put my mind to anything and achieved it. I still have zero direction in life and, quite honestly, it is terrifying to be turning 18 with no direction. I'm supposed to be applying for universities by the end of this year, I don't even know what to do and it seems like all I'm doing is repeating the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't make myself get my shit together and start finding out, because I also feel like I'm not living, I'm not getting the chance (or taking the chance) to appreciate being young, everything is about the future and really I would like to say 'FUCK THE FUTURE' but a new year in the most recognisable evidence that the future is inevitable and I'd better be prepared for it. I can't proceed with getting rid of the toxic people in my life, because I live with them, and I'm probably the toxic person in their lives too, I just don't want to be surrounded by all this negativity for the majority of my time, I mean I already have enough of it from myself (I am no light in anyone's life).
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment