well, f--- me.

well, so the regular ridiculous conversation we have during lunch changed a bit today, we started talking about wanting to be here. Out of the 6 of us that were talking only, one of us liked this place, most of us wanted to leave once we got here, and I wanted to leave once I was told I was coming here. So fuck it, I'm staying here for at least another 3 years, till I'm done with IB. I was wondering if no one wants to be here why do I have to be in the one who is losing control of my life because of my monumental feelings of purposelessness and melancholy. I have to get my shit together, I mean if other people can, why can't I?
Turning 16, is that supposed to be a big deal? maybe in America, you get a car, you get extra freedom, well I'm not getting any of that here am I? I can't even get a goddamn electric vespa to ride to school. My curfew isn't changing, fuck mom 14 year olds can stay out till 2am, what is the problem with me staying out till 11, I mean I don't come home drunk or do drugs, and I rarely even go out. 16 isn't going to change anything for me, I'm not suddenly going to become talented, or mentally sound, or attractive, I'm not going to get to swap my skin for actual proper skin that doesn't becoming fucking retarded and scar for a decade because of a scrape. I'm not going to miracullously lose weight, or be able to wear all the things I want to wear but can't, cause of other reasons I would rather not discuss.My family isn't going to start talking about feelings, I'm not going to trust people enough to talk about feelings face to face, so shit won't change, it might even get worse.