Thunder buddies for life.

So I got some early Birthday presents, and Ted was one of them.(I have a Thunder buddy for life now-even though I'm not afraid of thunder) Favourite ones so far are my DC comics Batman Converse high tops and Ted. Shh don't tell my other friends. I really need to get a larger Batman Begins poster, it doesn't go well with my other 2 posters of the trilogy.

Well today was pretty monotonous, boring, didn't feel like I was actually there as usual; every day just blends into another and nothing is particularly motivating for me. Well I heard one of my friends went to the counselor, then I think I saw some cuts on her wrists, so I asked her about them, but she didn't want to say and just covered them up with her cardigan. I didn't want to prod because I probably already made her uncomfortable, if it is what it seems to be, that is; I didn't ask again. I hope she's alright though, I'd rather no one feel the way I do most of the time, cause it fucking sucks. I'd rather be completely jealous of all the happy people around me. I'd rather everyone else feel better than me. The only reason I don't self harm is because my skins scars like a bitch, and one cut would be marked on my arm forever.

The whole issue of people talking about other people going to the counselor just puts me off from going. I probably really need one, or maybe a therapist, but I'm not going to go to one because I don't like other people knowing part of something and then judging me. Because I think I'll look weak, and I never want to be seen that way.

I've been getting more muddled lately, forgetting things and screwing up schedules, forgetting people. I already fucked up chinese for the year, cause I didn't do the goddamn book review, but every time I tired to do it, I want to bash my head into the wall or go try drowning myself in the tub again. I couldn't think of anything to write, cause I would get ridiculously angry with myself for begin so stupid and useless at this subject, and it was all downhill from there.

I have a lot of other feelings, but I'd rather not delve into them now. It's getting late. I wish it was a holiday right now, my birthday used to always be during the holiday. Still can't focus on anything at this time of the month cause I've spent 7 years doing nothing every time it was this time. I'm probably not as excited for my birthday as some of my friends are, I don't know. sweet sixteen? doesn't make a difference does it.