I've just been thinking. I'm kind of going to write a condensed account of what its like to be depressed and suicidal for all the people who think the people who want to kill themselves are fucking stupid.
When you're depressed, most of the time you're just sad and you can't pinpoint a reason for your sadness. Everything and anything is dull and unexciting, even things you used to love, everything loses it's luster, nothing seems worth doing. You try to be interested in things and people and how other people feel, you try to keep conversations going, but it's as if you physically are not capable of being a complete human being. There isn't just the feeling of being alone or lonely, it is as if you are completely detached from society and all the things around you, it doesn't matter if you know that there are other depressed people around, you still feel as if you are the only person in this disjointed part of the world. You lose focus on most things, and you mentally drift in and out of being where you physically are. The days all blend into one, and memories are foggy and don't seem to be yours, they are more like recounts of a tv show you watched, and not a good tv show.
Then there is the complete and utter despair that overwhelms you, seemingly totally by surprise. It feels like you're drowning, and sometimes you lose the ability to speak for a while. Sometimes you just beg to not be where you are, and to return to wherever it is you can be completely alone. Sometimes you spend hours just lying on the floor, doing nothing, and moving very little. You can't concentrate, which makes school very hard. You can't be invested in any relationships, which makes you more distant from everyone than you already are.
You look around and see how truly alone you are, how really everyone could live on without you. There's the feeling of complete hopelessness, because you can't fix yourself. You need help, but there's too much to explain to really get anyone to completely understand. So there are the options, die or live on going down this god forsaken path, becoming sadder and sadder by the day, just decaying overall. Death seems about right now, doesn't it? People can go on without you, they might be sad, they might not be, but people move on in the end.
Suicidal thoughts just don't stop appearing in your head, when you're with your friends, when you're in car. There really isn't a time or place, or specific things that trigger them off anymore, they just come. Would you understand feeling the almost NEED to throw yourself out of a moving car on a highway? Sometimes these things are too hard to bare, and you try, you try to end it, and sometimes you fail. Failing just makes it worst, because all you think of is how you can't even do that right. It just makes you feel more worthless. You think about how you don't really care about anyone anymore, and how little you feel about everything, and you see that you really aren't a person anymore, you're just a shell. You may look, speak, and feel like a human being, with flesh and bone and all the other physical aspects, but you don't have the emotional capacity to be one. So if you aren't a person, what's the point of living a person's life, spending money that isn't yours, buying new things you may not use for long, connecting with people you just might leave very soon, what is the point?
This is pretty summarised already, I tried my best to let people understand.
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