Most of the time I just want time to stop, I go to school and I get through it because everyone else is getting through it so there isn't really an excuse for me to breakdown a just all out stop getting through each day there. (Plus, that's where my friends are, and right now I'm with people I like quite a whole lot) Then I get home and I'm absolutely drained, it doesn't even matter how little I did in school, it's just like I can't do anything anymore. So I just want everything to stop, I take a long long time to get myself in the shower, I wait till after dinner to do anything that has to be done, even though I clearly have hours before that. I think that's why I don't really go online till late, because I'm not excepting the fact that time is actually passing and I'm losing my day. I don't know, I just want to get home and feel like I've slept for 10 hours even though it's only been 1. I just don't want to feel tired and overwhelmed all the time, I mean this is getting old and its wearing me out. I can't remember the last time I felt relieved or at ease, it has actually been years. I can't handle myself anymore, most of the time I just see myself failing at everything I am going to try to do later in life (it is not helping that I am actually failing math, and no one is letting me drop to the lower mandarin class even though I clearly do not understand anything that is happening in the one I am currently in). I actually do not get anything done outside of school, jesus christ, I am so fucking messed up and disorganised and, not to mention, unmotivated.
I cannot even begin to imagine how I will deal with my mock exams even though they are only a month away. Someone come and pick me up before I colossally jeopardize my future. They teach you how to succeed in life, but they never teach you how to except failure, you have to learn to yourself, and they never except failure, they brand you for it.
Also, why the hell do I have a lot to say here all the time, but never can think of actual things to say when I have opportunities to go to the counselor.
I really want to be able to get to places myself, I don't know why I hate relying on people to get to where I have to be so much. I just really don't like it. If you don't have to be there, I just don't want you to take me there, I don't want to sit through idle conversation or awkward silences. I don't want to run around anyone else's schedule. I don't want to always feel nervous because someone had a fucking nervous breakdown when he was driving. I don't want to constantly be around your negative as fucking energy because I'm already suicidal enough. I want to plan my own times, I want to have time to relax, I want to have time to make proper food for lunch. How they fuck do I make a valid case or getting a fucking electric vespa without revealing how fucked up I am?
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