Well the larger part of these couple of months have just been me thinking about what to do for my future and not really coming up with anything. I realise, I don't have a calling or anything viable job prospects that are recognised by my quite traditional parents. (if I hadn't mentioned before, the only subject I would be quite passionate about would be film, and probably english) But, don't people say it always easier to go from science and math to arts and humanities, and almost impossible the other way round? Help I am honestly at a complete loss. I really want to do something that has to do with making movies/writing movies. Movies make you think, make you realise things, they carry you through though times, let you experience things you could otherwise never experience, the motivate you, inspire you, I just want to be a part of that. I want to do for other people what movies did for me.
But, I honestly have no idea if I am capable of that at all. Can I write screenplays, or direct, or act,or even critic? I don't know anything. If I were to go all science and math I would probably get through, but I'd probably won't be happy, but if I really go for film and I fail, what do I do then? I just have no drive now, or motivation, everyone is talking me out of doing film and steering me someway or another, towards careers I don't feel connections to. (All I can think of now is if I fail I just might turn to dying by my own hand.) How do people know what they want to do with their lives and really work for it, because I really have zero self confidence in acheiving anything, and I feel absolutely talentless (isn't that already admitting defeat?)
everything about my life is just uncertain and I have no courage to face it, all I want to do is run away. I never want to go to school or face people, I never want to make decisions that affect my future in the long run. I want to run away from everything. I'm sixteen and I want to be a child, I don't want to be and adult and get my life together, I am not in a fit mental state to make any rational decisions about the rest of my life.
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