Bay

I don't know what to say
All this is pulling me away

I will stand by the bay
Until I find a way,

To set fourth and slay
My demons in the fray,

Or the courage to not stay
and give in to the sway,

For there will be no fay
To make it all okay

Only the gradual decay.

7th May 2013

I hope you guys had a better Christmas.

can't

I can't even set goals for myself anymore, because I never fulfill them, I don't even take the small steps I break them down into. I do nothing but disappoint myself, it's just terribly depressing.

I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my family, not anymore, nor have I ever. We never have real conversations, conversations of substance and emotion. Everything is superficial or legislative. What is the point if family is nothing but a group of people whom you share a home, food and finances with? I can barely stand being here anymore and I have nowhere else to go. It isn't a single person's fault now, but who's going to fix it all?

I wrote again tonight, it's become a regular thing for the holidays, I guess...

[23rd December 2013]

I want to paint a new picture of myself
With bloodied hands and bloodied heart.
The picture you see is not a picture at all
It is but an impression of unreliable source
The picture you see is too clean, too prestine
Even with all the smudges and splotches.
I want to paint a new picture of myself
With mucky strokes and crooked form

I want to paint a real picture of myself.

 Written: 2nd September 2013


Do they differ vastly?
The faculties of you and I
We converse in such

                                 Hollow

Tone.

Is it because I am too

                                 Far gone

Or that you are encased in

Anger, too deep to unbound

Oh, how far we have come

With the time going too slow

In a moment and too fast

In the whole.

Was it better when I knew

Naught and you knew

All?

We are so far from

                              My hand in yours

Under the sun.

These feelings seem to always be relevant, as of late.

17 years isn't a long time to live,
but 5 years is a long time to live unhappily.

7th July 2013

Displace

I want to go places

And see new faces

But I am too afraid of the disgraces

So I stay in my crawl spaces

Away from the embraces

Leaving no traces

I write sometimes.

I wrote this in April this year, I don't really know if it's any good, but I don't know, it's sort of therapeutic to try and put things into words. It's why I have this blog anyway.

The problem with growing up is that there is not gradual way. You are held back and shoved forward at the same time and there is nothing to hold on to as you pinball around.

Fuck being treated like a child and having no say in things you care about, then being asked to decide on a career that you're going to stick to for the rest of your life. You won't even let me have a say in where I live, or what mode of transportation I take. Fuck having to ask permission to go to the bathroom then asking me to be mature and adult like in all situations.  Fuck you never listening to my opinions on things that matter then only asking me shit like where we should go for dinner. Fuck only being treated 'your age' when it is convenient. Fuck always feeling like you owe everyone something because you need to be taken care of.

I can't plan a future if I don't even want to be here today, and I can't ever want kids if all they have to look forward to is me fucking them up and society adding on more to that.

Death becomes her.

The pollution is a whole new level of bad and it is killing the Christmas spirit. Also, I'm probably 40% more prone to cancer now. Pretty sure I'm going to fall sick soon...urgh.

guilt

My parents have only been back home for 5 days, and I already want another break from them. 3 just isn't the family number. I already feel that the house is too loud and overcrowded (it literally can't be overcrowded because this house is huge, but I just don't feel at ease anywhere anymore). I feel extremely guilty for thinking this way because, after all, these are my parents, that have waned from the high points in their life while raising me (I did Philip Larkin for lit so...) It is so difficult to handle all the negativity that bleeds out from my father, and the pretentious way my mother acts sometimes (not forgetting how I have become her only friend here because she does not want to socialise - and she wonders why I don't want to be in social situations)

Do you have someone that will guilt you into going out for fucking lunch with them even though you tell them that you are swamped with work and want to actually spend that day doing it. I have no time for all this bullshit right now.

There is just something so profoundly ridiculous about how my mother can say just ignore him, when clearly she cannot herself do the same, and I have only grown up knowing this and it has only gotten worse. I like it better when all I heard was a voice on the phone, a voice that clearly sounded happier than when it were right in front of me. Your parents do fuck you up, and really, I am not keen on having kids of my own because 1. who wants my gene pool, I have fucked up skin and digestive system,, etc 2. I probably would fuck them up more than I already am.

I am so filled with anger and guilt, and this is my perpetual state. I am quite sure that the amount of guilt I feel is neither normal nor healthy, I feel guilt for things I did as a child, for all thing things I have thought, for so many things I have said, the guilt just sits there, like dust under a cupboard, building up over time. I can never escape it, I'll feel guilty for all the things I said above for so long, but I do have to say them or it will be the anger that stays and festers, and I can't decide which one is more toxic.

grounded and driven

I never do posts like this, but I really do have to say these things.

 

 

Other than Tom Hiddleston being extremely charming, and probably the nicest person on earth, he is also very intelligent and driven, and I never truly realised this till recently. I think he naturally gives such good advice, to himself and others, and yes I did watch the entire interview (part 1 & 2) which I usually would never do, but simply because everything he was saying was engaging and he is just terribly terribly sweet.

The main thing I've taken from this is that I really shouldn't let fear impede finding out what I want to do and just go ahead and do it. I might fail, but I think there's more regret in not trying at all, I shouldn't let the constant nagging anxiety, that is probably over exaggerated and ridiculous, control my life. Also, I should always aim to be grounded no matter what, because truly, I am not better than any one person.

This man really deserves all the good things happening to him, because honestly, he is such a good sport, is so nice to everyone, and remains humble even with all his success.

Jobs

All the pursuits of the people around me are aimed at jobs and can't settle on a single thing. I cannot imagine how someone aims to get a job to sit behind a desk at 14 or 16, I don't know. I could never do that, I've tried it and very nearly went completely out of my mind and almost flung myself out a seven story window.
Why is money real, why do we have to get jobs, all I really want to do is watch movies, read books and poetry, and discuss them with other people (traveling would be nice too but well that's another thing) It's so nice to discuss all these things with other people, because I always find out about things I never noticed or see from a different point of view. Why can't that be all I do, why can't I live off that? Why can't I just read up about chemistry and biology purely because it interests me and not be tested on it. How did we create these social needs that we cannot live without now but seem to have gone by just find before?

This is barely one side of the arguments and I'm always swimming between the two islands. I don't know if I'll be able to make a decision in time. The clock is always ticking, I'll never feel fine.

Often I find myself torn between doing everything I want to do (because this is my life) and doing what will make me successful enough to support my family. I can never seem to make a choice and I don't know to to build a bridge between the two, and now and again I just find myself with this pit in my stomach, gnawing at me. I can never make a decision on what I want to do either, I can't settle on one thing, I want to do so many things and it kills me to think that I have to choose between them. What if I make the wrong decisions, I really don't want to live a life of regret. Why can't we remain young and naive?

Belonging

For quite a while I have been trying to come to a conclusion to where I belong, and always coming up empty. Well it used to be that I just didn't feel I belonged with my friends, but no the whole act of being displaced as amplified the feeling of not belonging.

I don't feel like I belong where I came from, because every time I go back I notice things aren't the same and I feel that gradually I'm going to lose touch with it all. I don't belong where I am right now either because I was just placed here, 14 years after I was born, so I'm never really going to fit into this either. Sometimes this makes me feel extremely lost, but it's one of those things I always shove to the back of my mind all the time, and it only ever resurfaces when I am alone. Being from a typically asian culture and dropped into this sort of pseudo-western culture adds on to the very feeling of being this stand-alone no matter where I go.

Well I can look at it and weep but why? I have enough things to cry about, sure it makes me feel anxious and lonely sometimes, but I just have to remind myself on how each placed has shaped me a little bit hither and tither. I can't really call anywhere home now can I? But I guess that's okay for now.

Sometimes I think about how utterly ridiculous for me to feel guilty about enjoying taking Film because my parents wanted me to take chemistry instead. Sometimes I think about how stupid it is for me to have to avoid talking about it so I don't see the look on their faces and can predict what they're thinking. Sometimes I think about how evil it is of them to constantly try to scare me into doing what they want by talking around me (not to me) about how everyone can't get jobs, if only they saw me curled up on the floor, of the closet, in the dark.

the art of being colossally unhappy but never deficient

The extent of which I have dreams about dying in various ways is honestly on verge of being completely ridiculously hilarious. (They are dreams because there is no fear involved, and truthfully I suppose that is the scariest part)

I'm making my own decision to do whatever the fuck it is I'm doing right now, and in a way I should be proud for not taking chemistry or economics or 'the norm' for people who get grades like me. (This is in no ways an insult to anyone taking these things, you know what you are going to do with those things maybe, but I sure as hell don't) I might as well do whatever it is I peak interest in and go from there (after all I always have plan B, and the less supportive my parents are and the more I am apart from people the easier it gets to use plan B.) I'm positively sick of how my parents constantly tack-team to try and get me doing things that they think will make me 'successful', and it's disgusting that they completely disregard how much anxiety all of the shit they do gives me. I would like to thank my mother a great deal for brushing of my mentioning of waking up in the middle of the night because of fucking anxiety attacks (that took a lot to fucking admit, so really thanks for not even trying to say anything and just asking 'what is wrong with you' in your condescending as fuck tone, you won't even remember any of this but I always remember all this shit.)

The most ridiculous thing about my family is we can never go to each other for any form of emotional support. I can only discuss serious career choice matters with my father, and mother (with the addition of the occasional jokes with my mother), and they will never discuss any of their feelings with me (other than my father openly brandishing his anger and pessimism which I have adopted in many ways - you don't have to fucking tell me mum, I know what I am) In addition, all this absence makes the heart grown fonder crap is working for my brother and I because he has turned out to be the person in my family I like the most, but I can never discuss anything with him because, hell, we've never ever discussed any of our feelings ever. I can't tell him anything about knowing any of his emotional struggles and I can't bring myself to tell him about any of mine. So I can foresee my family going to absolute shit as time goes by, and honestly I am so bitter and angry all the time I do very little to stop it. I just go about my daily routine of hiding all of my feelings and getting through things day by day.

afraid

I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.

They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.

Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.

I swear the only reason my family is still together is because we go out for fancy dinners and swanky places.

labyrinth of sadness

I haven't been here in a while and it's because I've been absolutely swamped in school. Our introduction to IB was basically a baptism with FIRE. I had no idea what was going on and still have no idea, it's like I've been thrown into a dodge ball court with no prior notice and am just trying to catch what I can and not get hit.

China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY  a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)

On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?

My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.

I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.

aimless

I have no idea where I am going in life and its absolutely terrifying. Everyone around me has their future jobs planned out and some of them even have plan Bs, and I'm just treading water. I'm on the fence about everything and I never know whether I'm making the right decision. I always feel guilty about every choice I make and the constant worrying is tearing me down, so much so I cannot bring myself to appreciate anything happening now.

I'm trying to plan something for my birthday, I haven't done anything like that in years mainly because I never felt the need to celebrate me dragging myself through another year. I'm not really getting anywhere with the planning, it's stressing me out too and it's not supposed to.

Why do we have to decide what we want to be for the rest of our lives now? I don't even know whether I want to live.

I need to get the worry out of my mind, it's always there, gnawing, nagging, it's just exhausting. I'm always tired now, I'm going back down to where I used to be.

You tell me to just tune it out, but you were not molded by the anger and negativity.
You were molded by other things entirely, they may not have been better
but they are different.

I do not understand how you come up with all this advice, that
I should take without question, even when you have never asked what was wrong
in the first place.

We are meant to live like this I assume, silent and unknowing.
We will never bridge the gap, it grows bigger as each day passes reason cannot suffice
through blindness.

What is the point of being good at all these things when it only makes it harder to chose?
What is the point of being good at things you have little interest in?
What is the point of striving toward a profession you don't aspire to aquire?
What is the point of conforming?
What is the point of living based on other people's words?
What is the point of all of this?

Perception

I am back to write about my experience at Metallica's first show in China ever.

Having first heard Metallica when I was about 10 or 11, (my first song was Master of Puppets) I had built up this image of this band compromising of men cooler and better than normal men. I had thought of them as these amazing badass, hardcore individuals that were too cool for anyone.

However seeing them live sort of changed that perception, and not in a bad way at all. James was constantly asking the audience if they liked what they were seeing, and saying things like "what matters the most is if you feel good". They were really all out of pleasing all their fans, and it made everyone feel included in something much bigger than themselves. They weren't just there to play a show and make money, they wanted to see all the fans, they asked for the lights to be turned on in the whole arena so they could look round and see everyone. That just made me feel like this band was a group of people that really loved everyone who loved them and really all they were looking for was the make sure everyone felt great being here. Right before they played Nothing Else Matters, James said to everyone to remember that they were never alone and there was always someone to support them, and he stressed "always" quite a  bit and also repeated himself a few times to make sure his message got across, he genuinely wanted everyone to feel like they were never alone, he genuinely wanted to help and that made me respect the whole band so much more.

They were also a whole lot of fun to watch, James teased the audience for a good 3 or 4 minutes on whether the set was actually over. (They played a little more in the end) Every single one of them took the mic to say something to the audience, and the went all over the stage throughout the show (except for Lars, because you can't really cart a drum kit around can you?) to make sure everyone in every part of the theatre could see all of them. As expected if was a hell of a show and they played Fuel which was great and closed the show with Seek and Destroy where the entire arena was singing/shouting along and that is a whole other feeling. It was pretty amazing to see both old and young fans, (literally people of all ages) singing the same songs and feeling the same excitement. (Everybody stood up because fuck you and your stay seated rules, its a goddamn metal concert!)

Metallica is a band definitely worth seeing live, even though they didn't play my first and favourite song, Master of Puppets (but that is probably because of some chinese government thing), and this experience is another reason why I love going to concerts, you get to see a side of the artist that usually isn't conveyed just through their music and it may make you respect and love them a whole lot more.

Bitter going in with a sweet aftertaste

I'm still fresh and revved up from Metallica's awesome display tonight so I thought I would write about this has honestly been the best ending to a summer (or any other holiday for that matter) ever.

I'm going to be absolutely honest this time and tell you that last year at about this time I had really hit rock bottom. I was no longer fighting back and I was giving in to my vices, I saw no point in starting a new school year and so I decided that it would be time that I end it once and for all. So I got a little bit wasted and tried to kill myself in the dumbest possible way, by trying to drown myself in a bathtub. (Seriously, is there a more ridiculous way?) Well I don't want to go into much detail because I'd rather not relive it all again, long story short, I failed and I felt worse than before. There's on thing feeling like a failure at everything, then it's another thing failing at the one thing that can cease to make you feel like a failure.

I basically dragged my way through the next school year not really trying, but at least I had better friends this year, they were a good distraction. For a while things seem to be looking up, I wasn't exactly happy, but I wasn't insanely depressed all the time, I was in a sort of non-feeling limbo which to me was slightly better. However IGCSEs were coming upon me, and everyone around me was getting nervous and everyone started studying and trying and I found that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. So began more days of opening my eyes and realising I made it to another day and feeling this immense wave of sadness rush over me, then almost bursting into tears. This was almost every morning and I just felt I was treading water desperately trying to not drown till the weekend came again. Even then there was no relief because now it was just me and my parents without my brother as my buffer and I just don't feel the family dynamic works with 3. It's so much harder with 3. And so I started sinking again, and now there were more panic attacks more often and more of lying in the closet in the dark to be away from things. I don't want to make this too long so, I just felt very bad all the time. And then I also lost my iphone which is probably the most expensive gift my parents have ever gotten me so there was more of feeling like I betrayed everyone and let everyone down and more panic attacks and some waking up in cold sweat.

When the exams actually started I still wasn't studying till the day before mostly and it felt like I was drowning even more so. I didn't get what the point was. I felt bad that I was one of those people who didn't need to study much to get a decent grade, I felt like I was lying to everyone and I was cheating them of their hardwork, so there was more guilt in the mix of the toxic sadness. Then I found out that I would be in Singapore in time to see Fall Out Boy and honestly I hadn't felt real excitement in so long it surprised me so. I so thankful that I have friends who trust me and would purchase tickets for me even though they themselves weren't going, THANKS BERNICE.

I finally had something to look forward to, and from then on I was just pushing myself forward to make it to that day. I was starting to fight back again. A little later on I found out that Metallica would be in Shanghai when I just get back and wow, coincidences have never made me more happy than this. Metallica are basically gods to me and Fall Out Boy was my raft through childhood into teenagehood, I could not ask for a better end to the summer. So I kept going through the summer. Even when I realised me taking that internship wasn't the best idea because I hated sitting at a desk and was to full of anxiety to talk to anyone. Even when I got home and felt like life was wasted on me, I just looked forward.

The 6th of August came and I was so excited I barely slept a total of 2 hours, and I was off to Fort Canning to line up. I met so many cool people there and it was amazing because everyone was there because of the band and everyone was unbelievably nice and loving and I just took a moment to think to myself 'this is how music brings people together' I was actually witnessing this and I was in awe.

Some of the amazing people I got to hang out with all day. You guys are all great, it was so good to just be with old friends and new friends all at once.

So I nudge my way to the barrier when we got let in through the gates and I was unbelievably excited, I literally wanted to pee myself, because I seem to want to pee a lot when I'm excited. Empra opened with a pretty great set, I think it's really cool that a Singaporean guy made a band with a bunch of Australians all named Matt and made some pretty great song. 

Fall Out Boy came on I was so excited I was singing along so loud and it just felt like I everything I was ever worried about had slipped away and this was the only reality I had to face, and it was a reality I was delighted to be in. When they played Sugar We're Going Down, I just felt like I was 10 again, when my biggest problem was my brother being an asshole and that could all be fixed when we sat down and watched MTV or nickelodeon together or made up stories about killer teddy bears. So there I was with great friends, singing my heart out and feeling like I was a child again, it didn't matter that the crazy guy behind us was boiling hot and didn't know how to jump on the spot, only forward and onto us, it didn't matter that I could barely breathe. The very feeling of seeing these people you've listen to and gone to for support through all those bad times, the people that have seemed to understand you when no one else was were actually right in front of you, they were real and you were there with them, that was all that mattered. (I keep changing my subjects, this might be why I'm never hitting top bands in essays) It felt like I really was fixed in forty-five.

I did get to meet them briefly when I went to the airport, but I didn't know how to begin saying all the things I wanted to say, so I didn't say anything at all (god this sounds like some cheesy song lyric) I was too starstruck and already shaking, it didn't seem to register as reality to the sleep deprived me. I did get them to sign some autographs and take a few pictures, I was again blown away by how nice they all were. I asked Patrick for a photo, but he hugged me first because he hugged everyone else, then he realised I'd asked for a photo and said "I thought you'd go for the hug first" and by then I was completely lost I couldn't bring myself to say anything other than thank you, and girlishly giggle (I never girlish giggle, what the hell!?) I really wanted to tell them thank you for being my float all this while, for giving me something to look forward to, for making me feel like a child again, for everything, I just could say anything. I couldn't even tell them that they have AMAZING garlic bread on Singapore Airlines business/first class. ( I know that is ridiculous but I did want to tell them that)

I'll stop this post here for now and continue on with Metallica another time. Basically going to concerts isn't just for the music, it's for that feeling of being a part of something big and belonging, it is a chance to see the people that have changed your life and realize that they are real and that the difference they have made is real. There is no replacement for these feelings. 

I'm not sick like the people with Cancer right? I can chose not to be like this, can't I? Everything is my own fault, isn't it. 

There's a reason I don't say anything, because you don't even acknowledge this as an actual problem.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

I've just finished reading Breakfast At Tiffany's by Truman Capote and I would say I like both the movie and the book equally but only because Audrey Hepburn has unrivalled charm. If I were to speak my opinion based on the storyline alone, I would pick the book, because the story told in the book has a more realistic ending, and there are various quotes I quite like which aren't given justice in the film. About the more realistic approach in the book (spoilers) it is clear that the narrator does not end up with Holly from the very beginning, but it's not sad that he doesn't either because they were together not really as lovers and not completely friends either, but there was some enjoyment in the process of being aqquainted. And all things have to end one way or another, and this on ended with holly being holly and going off to find somewhere better for her in her eyes. They drifted apart, which would be expected as holly is barely responsible for most things.

However you do still wish you knew how she ended up, the way you wish you knew what was going on with friends you had years ago and that's why I appreciate this book.

Lonesome?

I used to dislike that fact that I never have anyone to go out with, but I've come to accept and even revel in it. I like going out on my own and just strolling, stopping when I want to eat or drink, or maybe browse the shops. I enjoy eating alone with a good book or a TV show I enjoy to accompany me, it's all very relaxing and a very good distraction. There is no stress to continue a conversation or to make sure the person i am with is entertained or pleased. There is only me. I like the notion of no one knowing exactly where I am for hours, it gives me a certain sense of freedom that disappears when I step back through doors and meet people I am acquainted (or supposed to be aquainted) with.

Why must there be a reason, besides the fact that i want to, for me to go out?

Why do I have to go out to eat with someone?

Why do I need someone to go to the movies with me?

Sometimes the fact that I am always better by myself rather than with other people makes me feel less like a human being. (aren't we supposed to be social beings?) However, I'd rather not dwell on that.

Trapped

Well it has become clear to me that I don't want to work an office job like the one I'm interning for right now. Everything feels so impersonal and pointless here. Instead of walking over to talk to your colleague who is barely 5 feet away, you call them through intercom. I don't know how these people stand doing the same things, looking at the same places, all day, everyday. I can barely stand it and I'm only half way through. Some of them have been working for decades. 

I don't want to settle, I don't want to do the same thing everyday for years and years. I can't deal with that, it would drive me crazy. 

Honestly I would rather die.

Mistake.

This day is going to slowly, I want to hang myself in the bathroom.

Why did I sign myself up for this?

This day is going to slowly, I want to hang myself in the bathroom.

words.

There are a lot of things I wish to say to a lot of people, but it usually doesn't feel right to tell them those things because of the most part I do not have relationships where it is comfortable to discuss those opinions. Those opinions mostly aren't bad at all, they are just things I want to say, maybe I want to tell you that it is ok and that sometimes I've been in that place where you feel the way you do, or maybe I want to tell you that I could be here to listen if you wanted me to, or maybe I want to thank you for something or another. The problems is, I can never bring myself to say these things because there never is a moment, this probably why I've been writing my shitty poetry more often now. However I don't want beat myself up about this, because it won't make it better, I'll just settle for thinking that right now I do not have the courage or the drive to take the next step, maybe I'll find that courage later, maybe just in time (that would be great) or maybe too late (that wouldn't be that great, but at least I can say I found my courage).

So right now I just keep scrawling words or paper, and hope nobody reads.

Stranded

I don't want to be anywhere I am, but I have nowhere in particular I'd rather be.

Now I feel like nothing but an empty shell, a simple spectator to my own life.

grown

The very fact that all of my relatives (including my parents) think I have grown taller every time I see them, even though I haven't grown in 3 years, proves that no one is excepting the fact that I am growing up.

I wish I had someone, but then again I'm not good with anyone.

who.

I put on a different mask for different occasions
which one do I truly adopt?
Not even I know.

Bad girl

I am secretly the worst child ever, because I hate being with my parents, all I have been is with them without the buffer of my brother for over 2 years now and I was sick of it by the first months. I am just another buffer between my parents, the one with better grades, but not as talented. I loathe living with any family (except my brother, because we don't really get in each other's way unless there are things to be done together, however he did piss me off for making us late for Man Of Steel because watching movies is very important to me.) because there are all these expectations, keep in contact, call them, eat with them, talk to them. Well it is endlessly difficult to talk to them considering half the time it's just me listening, nodding and agreeing while thinking about other things, or just me sitting in silence and making eye contact but looking right through them. In addition, I am awkward with everybody, and I mean everybody, even my mom, my dad (and these are people I have lived with my whole life), everyone, so it is very difficult and I detest it. Adding salt to the wound, I hate phone calls, it takes immense courage for me to pick up the phone and call someone, because I'm not a big talker, I can write to you or type to you, but talk (haha), no.

I have a feeling, that if I do go away for university, I'll call less than my brother does, and give away much less information, not because I will be up to bad things, but simply because I like my alone time, I like roaming and knowing no one really knows where I am (there is a certain sense of freedom with that.) or what time I intend to return home. I enjoy eating alone, reading alone and watching movies alone. Funny how my parents seem to think I am the more "responsible" one, because once that leash is untied, I will probably be further gone than anyone else.

This all sounds very selfish and self-centered, don't think I do not realise this, but the very feeling of being tied to people sometimes makes me feel choked and suffocated; I think I want to get out, get away, but I might just as well regret all of these thoughts and opinions when things begin to go this way.

We are all hypocrites, aren't we?

My entire life is a series of mishaps. Look, I had one growth spurt when I was 13 that left me with stretch marks and messed with my coordination making the clumsiest 13 year old, and now I haven't grown at all since then. What is the meaning of this? Also I very regally dribble all over myself and fall down stairs . Oh well, it ends when it ends.

This is my favourite poem:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

Not Waving But Drowning by Stevie Smith

I think it's fairly easy to understand the surface meaning and it expresses a lot of what I feel and what a lot of people feel (I think) and every time I re read it I find out a little bit more about it.

Looking forward

Well I'm stuck in this hotel in Huang Shan, and would be more than happy if our flights back to shanghai were tomorrow instead of the day after, so in blogging.

For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to things in the future. I'm going to have a go at having a job in a office. I am looking forward to that cause, as boring as it may sound I want to see what it's like to work in an office and find out if I can cope with that. (Because right now I really want to be a filmmaker and not being able to do an office job would just make me work harder to succeed I guess and kind of give me more reasons to try at filmmaking)
I am also going to be seeing Fall Out Boy live. I want to get there really early so we can get right up to the barrier and I want to tell Pete and Patrick and everyone that we were all waiting for them and I want to thank them for making the music that they do and for growing up with me. I want to let them know how happy it made me to find out they were back (and how it help soften the blow of MCR being something of the past.) I hope they sing What A Catch because that song basically sums up all of me, and sugar we're going down (tween feels) and so many others! Just....

On top of that I am also going to see Metallica live and just...they are gods. I want to hear enter sandman and fade to black (because suicidal feels). I payed so much more than I told my mom I did, but it's Metallica so FYeah! I'm so glad I managed to get tickets because they sold out in like an hour!

On the other hand these things all happen in August, which means I will be back in school soon after that...sigh...stepping closer to being an adult. I just want to 7 again, then this lack of freedom I have now would be acceptable.

My mom thinks I am joking when I make suicidal comments. I am never joking. Well, at least not anymore.

why do I even bother?

Why do I even bother being nice, or being a good person? Because it's not like I ever meet good people or have any good luck. For once in my life can something go off without a hitch. This is the first time I have ever lost something, and it had to be in this country where the police are no fucking help at all and the people are selfish and ignorant and just ASSHOLES. So what if I would return someone else's phone if I picked it up, it's not like Karma fucking exists or anything, because anything good I do is just returned to me in some form of twisted misfortune.

I lose everything, and everything fucks up. Getting down to the recent specifics, the one time I get a window of opportunity to be able to get to places by myself and have some form of independence SHIT LIKE THIS HAS TO HAPPEN, and there, the tiny window to me feeling competent in any sort of way is shut. No biking to anywhere for Nisha, not after this. I am 17 years old and I have to plan ahead for any little thing I want to do, I have to give specific times, I have to leave at those specific times, there is not window, there is no freedom. I can't drop by the store because we are out of eggs, or anything easy like that, NO I HAVE TO PLAN 5 HOURS AHEAD. I hate living here so much. You do not understand how much I value being able to get myself somewhere on my own accord, I like taking public transport to get myself to somewhere I want to be, but not here. I can't fucking do anything and all it feels like is like I chocking and being forced deeper and deeper into this cell.

I would like to say, if you find something that isn't yours or if you simply take something that isn't your, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I do not care what your circumstances are, or if you know me and if you are my friend, it doesn't make a difference, you know you are being a fucking asshole. Because what you have taken is not yours, and you do not know what the person who owns it had to go through to get it, and you do not know the sentimental value of it. YOU DID NOT FUCKING EARN IT, SO DON'T FUCKING TAKE IT YOU SON OF A BITCH. You will know the distress you cause, and you do not know if the person you have stolen from is in a fragile emotional state. YOU ARE LOW PRICK.

I hope the person who stole my stuff gets hit by a car, and I am not exaggerating, you have got your chance, and I am done being nice, so bad shit can happen to you because you are a dishonest piece of shit and you deserve all the bad that is coming to you.

shackled

How hard can it be to understand that I like getting to places by myself. I don't like relying on other people, and I like to make most trivial trips alone. I don't like having a driver and having to plan my schedule, I want to leave when I fucking want to leave. I don't like sitting in cars or taxis with a stranger and I am terrified that they might try to start a conversation with me, and I really do mean terrified.
How hard is it to fucking understand this?
Stop thinking I am ungrateful and spoilt, I didn't have a driver and I was fucking fine with that, I enjoyed my freedom and now I don't have it and I feel trapped as ever. Sometimes I'd rather choke myself than feel this why and by sometimes I really mean all the time.

I could try, but I can bring myself to. It's so hard to start anything. It's so difficult to be a human being in all senses of the word. I do not feel like I have superior intellect nor do I adopt and upright stance or the power to articulate speech. I am slouch because I have no confidence and I can never hold a decent conversation. It's so hard to make myself try at anything.

School starts again tomorrow, I have still done nothing except finish some of the homework. Other people have probably done a an appalling amount of revision and I have done an appalling amount of nothing to help my future.

I want to die more and more everyday again. Dad being angry about everything all the time and voicing it all the time is not helping, I just makes me picture myself dead in various different situations.

What's the point in living a life and helping other people when all you are is miserable?

normal

What is normal? Because right now it is almost typical to be a socially awkward, depressed and overworked teenager. That shouldn't be right. We shouldn't have the norm being a bunch of people who are almost still kids and barely adults constantly fighting with themselves and everything else. We shouldn't have these people planning their deaths when their lives have barely began. We shouldn't have these people giving up on everything. What kind of society are we in that so many people have suicidal depression, and eating disorders, not to mention attempted suicide.

We were barely happier as children. At least I was a better person back then, I could talk your face off and talk some more and people wouldn't constantly tell me to be quiet, now I barely put my thoughts out and I can never hold a decent conversation. I used to think I could be better, now I just put myself down and don't bother anymore.

What's the point in excelling academically if I am completely miserable with myself. I am forced fed this information that I am somehow good at regurgitating, but this doesn't make me feel smart or better than people, because I can always find things that other people are better than me at. This is what I do constantly, I compare and contrast till I come to the conclusion that you are in fact better than me, in whatever way, and I leave it at that.

Is this the norm now? Cause it is the fucking worst.

I am still not okay with the fact that My Chemical Romance are no longer a band.

They were my first favourite band, ever. I've been listening to them since I was 7 or 8 (when Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge came out), thanks to my brother, and they've just been there ever since. They've been there for more than half my life and all of a sudden they're just gone. I never got to see them live, it's been something I've wanted to do ever since I started listening to them.

I don't know how to describe this feeling accurately, because this band and their music has taken me through so much and the fact that they're no longer going to be making the music that got me through everything just breaks my heart. The simple truth is that they are moving on in a way, and I hate it when we have to move on, I am constantly trying to hang on to everything, like when I refused to plan anything for my birthday because I refused to accept I had spent another year here, or that I was getting older. Now when I'm desperately trying to hold on to my childhood, another huge part of it just slips away.

I wanted to seem them live just once, and be there with Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray, and maybe thank them for taking me through my childhood. They reminded me I was not alone no matter how alone I felt, and that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I do. They were one of the bands my brother and I got to bond over. They were there all the time.

I don't want to let go just yet.

Recently I got a certificate telling me I was 3rd in the level for academics. That didn't please me or motivate me, because I hadn't been trying at all. Well, now I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but honestly, I don't feel a sense of achievement if I haven't actually tried. This just got me thinking again about how unfair the world is, I get recognition for putting close to zero effort into something, and someone else who has been trying extremely hard but is still getting Cs or Bs gets no pat on the pack or encouragement.

It angers me that I always end up good at things I don't really want to try at, but am absolute rubbish at things I really put so much effort into. It angers me that things I try at get taken away from me.

I'm not saying I don't want to be good at getting great grades (this is always a plus) but it seems to be getting in the way for some reason. This is probably because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and getting As in everything does not help me eliminate any choices. (now I sound even more like a ungrateful bitch)  Looking at my IB options again, I have completely disregarded everything I am doing at IGCSE, I am not taking Economics or Geography (both of which I am getting A* in) I am instead taking psychology. I am not taking chemistry or physics ( I am taking film, because I genuinely love film and really want to make movies that let people feel and experience things they could not experience themselves, or show them that they aren't the only people who feel this way) but what if I am not making the right choice. Because I honestly have no idea if I could be any good at film, and no one believes in me.

I hope I can turn out being good at something I genuinely try at and genuinely like.

limbo

I haven't updated in a while and its mostly because I can't quite sort out my feelings. Right now, it is almost like I am in a state of limbo (not quite as depressed as before, but not happy either) and I don't know if it's because the stress of the exams getting closer is phasing out everything or just because I am getting slightly less suicidal than before. I am happier with the group of friends that I currently have because they are hilarious, great people. However, I am not sure whether I am just happy when I am physically with these people or more than just that.

It's a little (quite) confusing.

I'm also on the fence about my IB options. As of now I've chosen
English & Literature     SL
Spanish Ab                    SL
Biology                         HL
Psychology                   HL
Math                             HL
Film                              HL

yes, I have chosen 4 higher levels, but that is only because I am going to find out if I can cope with Higher Level Math. Which apparently is killer. ( I am not even really coping with Additional Math right now) I took Film because I really want to take film, and film is something I am genuinely interested in and, if I am good enough, want to make a career out of. I know it sounds like such a ridiculous thing to aim for, but I am so many things to say about film and I have never ever been as interested in something as I am in film. Movies are amazing, form the beauty in cinematography to the emotions they bring and the special feelings and significance they have in people's lives. I honestly want to be a part of that. At the same time, choosing film also means I can't do chemistry, which (btw my parents are very upset about this) it a good fallback on, as it basically gives me the general high paying job options. (chemical engineering, medicine, etc)

I hope I've made the right choice, every time someone asks me "why film?" I doubt myself a little, but I want to tell them all the things movies bring me and what I hope I can bring to others, without seeming to have a foolish, childish dream.

With a record breaking 3 (mini) panic attacks and a never ending slew of suicidal thoughts it is safe to say that if this week keeps going the way today and all of last week went, I will probably kill myself in the foreseeable future. It is also safe to say, without exageration that I am going to fail the math test because I have no fucking idea what is going on in additional math any time on any topic. Who the fuck said I was good at math needs to stop saying it because it just makes me feel worse about myself and makes me want to constantly stab myself until I bleed to death.

There is are no age restrictions

"I'm so tired"
"Of what?"
"Of everything."
"What's a young girl like you got to be tired about?"
That is my problem, people don't think depression is possible in young people. I just want to say depression is equally possible in the young and the old. Maybe a kid can't really tell if they're really depressed...I sure as hell didn't know that me wanting to kill myself and crying myself to sleep for most nights when I was 12 was a symptom of having suicidal depression, but that doesn't mean I wasn't depressed. People need to get over the fact the people no matter how young or old are capable of complex emotions. Children know failure and disappointment too.

The same is said for the elderly...I'm thinking about this tonight cause my aunt mentioned not buying anti depressants for my grandad and buying all his other medication because she didn't think he was a "psycho case". That just made me so angry..cause having depression doesn't mean you are insane, it's an illness all the same and there is goddamn medication for it. Why can pain everywhere be treated and considered normal but once your brain is the organ that is trouble you're considered not normal? Nevertheless I had to suppress my outburst on that topic cause I cannot let my family know about my shit cause they clearly think it suggests I am crazy...well at least the "adults" of the family do.

Sometimes coming home makes me as sad as being away from home. Nobody I want to see has time for me and I don't get to stay alone in a hotel room. There are so many unmentioned expectations and regulations that I am supposed to adhere to.

Futility

The world is a big contained place, we can't go anywhere else, and it's filling up fast. I think about how there are almost 7 billion people and how I am only one of those people, and how I am not special and how everything I do can be done by someone else. I don't know how to dream and chase after dreams cause all it seems to be is too many people with the same ambitions, and some of those too many people will be more talented and experienced and get greater chances than me. Living dreams are all about chance, hard work and chance, cause you can make amazing fucking things but never get the right people see them. I look at my chances and I don't see how they will work in my favour.
 The whole world is just this cycle of death and life, and when I leave I don't think I will make any difference; sometimes I think about leaving early.
I don't ever know what to do or how to be optimistic cause I see all the things that can go wrong, and  how slim the chances of things going right. I see all the unhappy people, dissatisfied with their lives around me, and I just think there's a much larger chance of me being one those people too.
No one thinks what I want to do is achievable, I don't think I blame them, cause apparently it isn't a "real job".
Sometimes I think about leaving the world early, cause what difference would it make anyway?

I just want to be able to do what I want to do in life, then if I ever have kids, I would tell them to go do what they dream of doing and what they think they're capable of doing, and just disregard anyone who tells you you can't before you even try.