limbo

I haven't updated in a while and its mostly because I can't quite sort out my feelings. Right now, it is almost like I am in a state of limbo (not quite as depressed as before, but not happy either) and I don't know if it's because the stress of the exams getting closer is phasing out everything or just because I am getting slightly less suicidal than before. I am happier with the group of friends that I currently have because they are hilarious, great people. However, I am not sure whether I am just happy when I am physically with these people or more than just that.

It's a little (quite) confusing.

I'm also on the fence about my IB options. As of now I've chosen
English & Literature     SL
Spanish Ab                    SL
Biology                         HL
Psychology                   HL
Math                             HL
Film                              HL

yes, I have chosen 4 higher levels, but that is only because I am going to find out if I can cope with Higher Level Math. Which apparently is killer. ( I am not even really coping with Additional Math right now) I took Film because I really want to take film, and film is something I am genuinely interested in and, if I am good enough, want to make a career out of. I know it sounds like such a ridiculous thing to aim for, but I am so many things to say about film and I have never ever been as interested in something as I am in film. Movies are amazing, form the beauty in cinematography to the emotions they bring and the special feelings and significance they have in people's lives. I honestly want to be a part of that. At the same time, choosing film also means I can't do chemistry, which (btw my parents are very upset about this) it a good fallback on, as it basically gives me the general high paying job options. (chemical engineering, medicine, etc)

I hope I've made the right choice, every time someone asks me "why film?" I doubt myself a little, but I want to tell them all the things movies bring me and what I hope I can bring to others, without seeming to have a foolish, childish dream.