guilt

My parents have only been back home for 5 days, and I already want another break from them. 3 just isn't the family number. I already feel that the house is too loud and overcrowded (it literally can't be overcrowded because this house is huge, but I just don't feel at ease anywhere anymore). I feel extremely guilty for thinking this way because, after all, these are my parents, that have waned from the high points in their life while raising me (I did Philip Larkin for lit so...) It is so difficult to handle all the negativity that bleeds out from my father, and the pretentious way my mother acts sometimes (not forgetting how I have become her only friend here because she does not want to socialise - and she wonders why I don't want to be in social situations)

Do you have someone that will guilt you into going out for fucking lunch with them even though you tell them that you are swamped with work and want to actually spend that day doing it. I have no time for all this bullshit right now.

There is just something so profoundly ridiculous about how my mother can say just ignore him, when clearly she cannot herself do the same, and I have only grown up knowing this and it has only gotten worse. I like it better when all I heard was a voice on the phone, a voice that clearly sounded happier than when it were right in front of me. Your parents do fuck you up, and really, I am not keen on having kids of my own because 1. who wants my gene pool, I have fucked up skin and digestive system,, etc 2. I probably would fuck them up more than I already am.

I am so filled with anger and guilt, and this is my perpetual state. I am quite sure that the amount of guilt I feel is neither normal nor healthy, I feel guilt for things I did as a child, for all thing things I have thought, for so many things I have said, the guilt just sits there, like dust under a cupboard, building up over time. I can never escape it, I'll feel guilty for all the things I said above for so long, but I do have to say them or it will be the anger that stays and festers, and I can't decide which one is more toxic.