I'm going to be absolutely honest this time and tell you that last year at about this time I had really hit rock bottom. I was no longer fighting back and I was giving in to my vices, I saw no point in starting a new school year and so I decided that it would be time that I end it once and for all. So I got a little bit wasted and tried to kill myself in the dumbest possible way, by trying to drown myself in a bathtub. (Seriously, is there a more ridiculous way?) Well I don't want to go into much detail because I'd rather not relive it all again, long story short, I failed and I felt worse than before. There's on thing feeling like a failure at everything, then it's another thing failing at the one thing that can cease to make you feel like a failure.
I basically dragged my way through the next school year not really trying, but at least I had better friends this year, they were a good distraction. For a while things seem to be looking up, I wasn't exactly happy, but I wasn't insanely depressed all the time, I was in a sort of non-feeling limbo which to me was slightly better. However IGCSEs were coming upon me, and everyone around me was getting nervous and everyone started studying and trying and I found that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. So began more days of opening my eyes and realising I made it to another day and feeling this immense wave of sadness rush over me, then almost bursting into tears. This was almost every morning and I just felt I was treading water desperately trying to not drown till the weekend came again. Even then there was no relief because now it was just me and my parents without my brother as my buffer and I just don't feel the family dynamic works with 3. It's so much harder with 3. And so I started sinking again, and now there were more panic attacks more often and more of lying in the closet in the dark to be away from things. I don't want to make this too long so, I just felt very bad all the time. And then I also lost my iphone which is probably the most expensive gift my parents have ever gotten me so there was more of feeling like I betrayed everyone and let everyone down and more panic attacks and some waking up in cold sweat.
When the exams actually started I still wasn't studying till the day before mostly and it felt like I was drowning even more so. I didn't get what the point was. I felt bad that I was one of those people who didn't need to study much to get a decent grade, I felt like I was lying to everyone and I was cheating them of their hardwork, so there was more guilt in the mix of the toxic sadness. Then I found out that I would be in Singapore in time to see Fall Out Boy and honestly I hadn't felt real excitement in so long it surprised me so. I so thankful that I have friends who trust me and would purchase tickets for me even though they themselves weren't going, THANKS BERNICE.
I finally had something to look forward to, and from then on I was just pushing myself forward to make it to that day. I was starting to fight back again. A little later on I found out that Metallica would be in Shanghai when I just get back and wow, coincidences have never made me more happy than this. Metallica are basically gods to me and Fall Out Boy was my raft through childhood into teenagehood, I could not ask for a better end to the summer. So I kept going through the summer. Even when I realised me taking that internship wasn't the best idea because I hated sitting at a desk and was to full of anxiety to talk to anyone. Even when I got home and felt like life was wasted on me, I just looked forward.
The 6th of August came and I was so excited I barely slept a total of 2 hours, and I was off to Fort Canning to line up. I met so many cool people there and it was amazing because everyone was there because of the band and everyone was unbelievably nice and loving and I just took a moment to think to myself 'this is how music brings people together' I was actually witnessing this and I was in awe.
Some of the amazing people I got to hang out with all day. You guys are all great, it was so good to just be with old friends and new friends all at once.
So I nudge my way to the barrier when we got let in through the gates and I was unbelievably excited, I literally wanted to pee myself, because I seem to want to pee a lot when I'm excited. Empra opened with a pretty great set, I think it's really cool that a Singaporean guy made a band with a bunch of Australians all named Matt and made some pretty great song.
Fall Out Boy came on I was so excited I was singing along so loud and it just felt like I everything I was ever worried about had slipped away and this was the only reality I had to face, and it was a reality I was delighted to be in. When they played Sugar We're Going Down, I just felt like I was 10 again, when my biggest problem was my brother being an asshole and that could all be fixed when we sat down and watched MTV or nickelodeon together or made up stories about killer teddy bears. So there I was with great friends, singing my heart out and feeling like I was a child again, it didn't matter that the crazy guy behind us was boiling hot and didn't know how to jump on the spot, only forward and onto us, it didn't matter that I could barely breathe. The very feeling of seeing these people you've listen to and gone to for support through all those bad times, the people that have seemed to understand you when no one else was were actually right in front of you, they were real and you were there with them, that was all that mattered. (I keep changing my subjects, this might be why I'm never hitting top bands in essays) It felt like I really was fixed in forty-five.
I did get to meet them briefly when I went to the airport, but I didn't know how to begin saying all the things I wanted to say, so I didn't say anything at all (god this sounds like some cheesy song lyric) I was too starstruck and already shaking, it didn't seem to register as reality to the sleep deprived me. I did get them to sign some autographs and take a few pictures, I was again blown away by how nice they all were. I asked Patrick for a photo, but he hugged me first because he hugged everyone else, then he realised I'd asked for a photo and said "I thought you'd go for the hug first" and by then I was completely lost I couldn't bring myself to say anything other than thank you, and girlishly giggle (I never girlish giggle, what the hell!?) I really wanted to tell them thank you for being my float all this while, for giving me something to look forward to, for making me feel like a child again, for everything, I just could say anything. I couldn't even tell them that they have AMAZING garlic bread on Singapore Airlines business/first class. ( I know that is ridiculous but I did want to tell them that)
I'll stop this post here for now and continue on with Metallica another time. Basically going to concerts isn't just for the music, it's for that feeling of being a part of something big and belonging, it is a chance to see the people that have changed your life and realize that they are real and that the difference they have made is real. There is no replacement for these feelings.
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