late night blogging

I've just been thinking. I'm kind of going to write a condensed account of what its like to be depressed and suicidal for all the people who think the people who want to kill themselves are fucking stupid.

When you're depressed, most of the time you're just sad and you can't pinpoint a reason for your sadness. Everything and anything is dull and unexciting, even things you used to love, everything loses it's luster, nothing seems worth doing. You try to be interested in things and people and how other people feel, you try to keep conversations going, but it's as if you physically are not capable of being a complete human being. There isn't just the feeling of being alone or lonely, it is as if you are completely detached from society and all the things around you, it doesn't matter if you know that there are other depressed people around, you still feel as if you are the only person in this disjointed part of the world. You lose focus on most things, and you mentally drift in and out of being where you physically are. The days all blend into one, and memories are foggy and don't seem to be yours, they are more like recounts of a tv show you watched, and not a good tv show.

Then there is the complete and utter despair that overwhelms you, seemingly totally by surprise. It feels like you're drowning, and sometimes you lose the ability to speak for a while. Sometimes you just beg to not be where you are, and to return to wherever it is you can be completely alone. Sometimes you spend hours just lying on the floor, doing nothing, and moving very little. You can't concentrate, which makes school very hard. You can't be invested in any relationships, which makes you more distant from everyone than you already are.

You look around and see how truly alone you are, how really everyone could live on without you. There's the feeling of complete hopelessness, because you can't fix yourself. You need help, but there's too much to explain to really get anyone to completely understand. So there are the options, die or live on going down this god forsaken path, becoming sadder and sadder by the day, just decaying overall. Death seems about right now, doesn't it? People can go on without you, they might be sad, they might not be, but people move on in the end.

Suicidal thoughts just don't stop appearing in your head, when you're with your friends, when you're in car. There really isn't a time or place, or specific things that trigger them off anymore, they just come. Would you understand feeling the almost NEED to throw yourself out of a moving car on a highway? Sometimes these things are too hard to bare, and you try, you try to end it, and sometimes you fail. Failing just makes it worst, because all you think of is how you can't even do that right. It just makes you feel more worthless. You think about how you don't really care about anyone anymore, and how little you feel about everything, and you see that you really aren't a person anymore, you're just a shell. You may look, speak, and feel like a human being, with flesh and bone and all the other physical aspects, but you don't have the emotional capacity to be one. So if you aren't a person, what's the point of living a person's life, spending money that isn't yours, buying new things you may not use for long, connecting with people you just might leave very soon, what is the point?

This is pretty summarised already, I tried my best to let people understand.

Post Concert Feels

I am completely drained and blogging. Went to the Maroon 5 concert last night, I was disappointed The Cab couldn't come too ( all because of the retarded Chinese customs that effed up and kept half the band from getting in) I think we should get a partial refund for that though. Well the concert was AMAZING, and I could not fathom all the feelings I felt when the lights went out and I first heard the telephone ringing (but there was a lot of happy and some about-to-piss-myself excitement), I was on my feet the entire time even though it was an all seated concert. (fuck the people behind, they stood up later on anyway) I would like to thank the lady that was diagonally in front of us for contributing to making the night the best night ever, she was getting so crunk with all the songs. IT WAS HILARIOUS. We spent a lot of the concert dancing however she was dancing, while singing our hearts out.
I loved the part were Adam stopped singing This Love and let the audience take over and it was just this epic singing in unison and it felt like you were part of this extraordinary thing, because everyone knew all the lyrics. This is why you go for concerts, because you always feel like you're a part of something bigger.
Nevertheless Adam's hotness factor was through the roof, (even though I am not on board with the mustache, I mean the stubble is working for him, but not a mustache) and he ripped off his shirt sleeves and he played the drums (Which is just hnnnnng). I think James might have hurt himself a little, cause it looked like he had a bad landing for one of his epic guitar playing jumps.


The "do you wanna dance medley" (which is what I'm going to call it) was fucking amazing, freaking Don't You Want Me, then Sexy Back, a hint of gangnam style and right into Moves Like Jagger, I WAS DANCING (my fucking ass off).

The cover of 7 Nation Army too, and just a hint of skrillex.

If I could do it all again, I would spend so much more money on tickets! SO MUCH MORE. why can't Coldplay or The Maine come? or maybe The Killers, or 30 seconds to mars, or Panic! at the disco!? I'm really reaching for the stars here, but really, my life is just movies, bands and TV shows.

Before the concert was pretty funny too, cause we pretended to be 29 year old Chantelle with a 16 year old son, Sanjay (whom she calls sungay because he's gay) on omegle and this australian guy actually talked to us for a pretty long time.

Also I have been using tumblr language more and more in real life and I think I should tone it down, because it might be confusing people.

Not even real.

That's what this week will be like, because on who gives a shit about the biology test I have tomorrow when I'm seeing Maroon 5 and The Cab on Tuesday! (so fucking excited for that!) I'm sorry I don't know why I swear so much now, but it happens. Then on Saturday morning it's off to Yaolin (again, omg that place was HELL last time) for IA, where I hope I don't die. I swear if the bloody flood gates don't open tomorrow and instead happen when I'm on IA I'm going to be so fucking mad. I hope the cuts I got all over the soles of my feet and shins close up by then, because we'll be in the water 80% of the time, at least, I don't want to get bloody infections. I swear I'm the biggest wound magnet, literally everywhere I go, I come back with some scar or another.

well I haven't even started revising for bio, I shall try my best to do that during lunch. whoops, I really need to see the counselor bout this inability to do any homework at home, it doesn't make any bloody sense. I've just been watching Bad Education (which is hilarious.... "I'm fifteen and he's twenty-three, what will it feel like?" "ILLEGAL CHANTALLE!") and doing things like thinking about make-up (I don't even know why), looking at facebook and twitter AND tumblr all day. I don't know, we went out for lunch and then nothing seemed worth doing, I really need to get my shit together.

I am going to be in the same place as Adam Levine in less than 2 days though. *fangirl feels*

always should be doing something else

Well right now I'm supposed to be packing for China Week, but I'm here doing this. I also should have done my homework, but I think I forgot to take it home with me yesterday, oh well. I've just been thinking about things that really don't help me feel any better, like I always do. Just sometimes I feel like I'll be alone forever, you know it's been sixteen years and nothing has happened to me love wise. (actually nothing.) Right now it's not really a problem, because I don't like anyone, but I just think nothing's going to happen forever. All these 11 and 12 year olds getting into relationships just makes me feel like I'm missing out on being a teenager, or something along that line. Maybe it's because I'm physically unattractive and legitimately the hardest person to hold a conversation with.

I'm half looking forward to china week, half not.Well its probably going to be fun cause we're going sea kayaking and possibly surfing (I only managed to stand on the board once last year for half a second, well maybe I'll do better this time) and the class my class is grouped with is ok I guess. Well I don't know, I never get excited for school trips nowadays, cause it's not like I'm staying with someone I completely love. I used to be, like if I was going on a trip with the Yuzhen and heather and all the other netballers and basketballers I would be so fucking excited, but right now that's not the case. Part of the reason why I'm not that excited is probably because I have a ton of overdue homework and more homework on top of that to complete and I just want to burn everything and fade away, it could also be because I look fat and disgusting in a swim suit. well. I should get back to packing now.

nights like these

I have that ridiculous Add Math test tomorrow, pretty convinced I'm not scoring for that. Well I'm having a hard time falling asleep even though I was incredibly tired and lethargic all day long, so now I'm blogging in bed. Just thinking about things. My friend cried cause she didn't understand math today, honestly she needs to get a grip, when she cries over trivial matters like these I honestly just want to slap her on the face and ask her to get a hold of herself. "IT IS JUST FUCKING MATH" What happens when she's faced with bigger problems? I don't want her going through a complete mental breakdown tbh, that shit is not for everyone. Especially because I feel she's kind of mentally weak, and way more short tempered and unable to hide her emotions well. She probably will not be able to pick herself up, her parents may have to step in, I don't know why, I'm completely insulting her, aren't I? I just feel she's weaker, mentally.
I think that's a really bitch move to make, since I don't really know what's going on with her. I don't really know what's going with anyone. Mostly I think I'm trying to distract myself.

I mentioned my attempt at math homework yesterday, and that was my first attempt at doing homework at home all year long, and it was a complete tragedy.
Today isn't a good day either my stomach is being a complete bitch which is part of the reason why I can't sleep. I've been thinking about things I might say to the counselor, I don't want to give away too much, because I don't want her calling my parents. That would screw things up, my family never talks about real feelings. I think my brother and I are pretty fucked up inside. When I found out he was suicidal before (which was completely by accident, on tumblr) I was sad, unexpectedly, very very sad. I mean what the fuck is wrong with my family? Both children want to kill themselves and my parents know nothing, and they think that we are all spoilt brats that get too much. I'm not saying we're great children, we are pretty ungrateful, but my family know nothing about each other. I only know what my brother likes and does because occasionally I go on his facebook page to check out his music.

I still miss my brother though, just him being there. It felt like I wasn't the only one trapped here, that I wasn't the only subjected to my father's ridiculous mood swings and anger management problems. That usualy when we were together we could just roll our eyes and ignore it. Now that I'm alone it just gets under my skin and makes me want to get out of the car on the highway or scream and punch someone in the face (I am not even joking here) sometimes I want my brother to hold my hand, but them I remember we've never held hands and supported each other, and I've never been there for him so why should he be here for me?

this was long and rather unfruitful.

timing

I really wanted to see the counselor this week but she's not here all week long, then there's china week, so I kind of have to put it off for two weeks. I mean I really geared myself up to go get help and my timing is all off.
Today was another one of those days where I was completely out of 'it'. Everything felt quite distant and I was dreadfully tired all day long. I felt sick as soon as the bus started pulling up in school, not because I was actually sick, but because I just didn't want to be there. Most of the time I'm in school, I wish I could be home curled up alone in my bed, just not having to think about going back to school ever again. It's not because I hate the people but (there's nothing wrong with the people) I just completely hate the way I feel when I'm there. So obviously, I didn't learn anything today, cause half the time my mind was half drifting to the darkness, and I got a headache from the drifting in and out of reality and constantly spacing out.
I exercised today, cause I convinced myself I was a lazy piece of shit.
then I spent god knows how long just lying on the floor doing nothing.
well I'm trying to do math now and I can't solve shit because I can't focus, god I hate math, so what if I got a fucking 97%, I still don't like it. I don't like doing most of the things I'm good at. And I'm rubbish at everything I'm interested in. Oh the irony.
I want to slit my throat and die in a pool of my own blood. fuck everything. nothing is worth doing anything for.

late nights with my mind

I'm always hung up on how I don't really believe in anything, I have no religion or no faith in anything. It just makes my life seem more bleak. The only thing I honestly believe in is the gradual decline of our society, with its diminishing morals and complete lack of elegance in excepting anything. I believe in the deterioration of what is chasteness, and the slow but sure eradication of virtue. Because, as society seems to get better, it really is getting worse. The 12 year olds having sex, not because they are of marriageable age and have been sent to be wed, but because they genuinely wanted to, and because they think its 'cool'. The tastelessness in what is now mainstream music, with no lyrics with significance, just the repetitive drone of beats that get drummed into your head. The introduction to suicide in children's television, the references to relationships and sex in those same shows. The pressure for children to perform better at a younger age. We are slowly carving our social and mental decline. Younger and younger children falling into the trenches of depression.

Everything I believe in is morbid and doleful, won't someone make me believe in something opposing these views. I really need a turn in my life.

practically ruining my own life

help, I haven't completed a single piece of homework, at home, for the current school year. Its not like I'm not trying, every time I sit down to do something I blank out. Then I spend the rest of the time on the internet, and when there's nothing left to do on the internet I just sit and think about how nothing is important, and homework can just go fuck itself, and how much I would rather be drowning in icy cold water than be here, right now.

This is the worst cause I'm just making everything harder for myself, and I start having almost-panic attacks and everything caves in and I want to throw up, when I realise all the shit I haven't done is due the next day. Like right now, I didn't even bring home my sports studies homework, I can't solve anything in the add math homework and I can't sit down to do the biology homework. I literally do it standing up and answer 1 question every 10mins or so. Nothing is working. Oh wait, there's still Geography.

I wished I lived someone else, maybe I could learn to drive since I'm 16 and I could drive off a cliff or over a bridge.

bloody homework is the least of my problems, because I still would be a colossal mess if I didn't have that problem. When am I going to be able to talk to people and not constantly lie for no fucking reason? When am I going to be able to keep an actual conversation going? When am I going to get some fucking will power? When am I going to be treated like a 16 year old, I mean fucking hell, why can't I ride my fucking bike to school? WHY THE HELL DO YOU ONLY TREAT ME LIKE I'M 16 WHEN IT IS FUCKING EASY FOR YOU?

I'm a bit on edge now, because I just got a tooth pulled out and I'm in the between numbness and pain stage and everything seems like nothing, vice versa.

help.

Talked to a friend today, and found we were both pretty fucking down the depression spiral. Its kind of a bittersweet thing, because at least we have someone who understand how completely shit you feel and the oddest of time, but at the same time its sad someone feels as bad as I do. The feelings of going home just sitting in front of your computer, just aimlessly scrolling through tumblr or the web, just not doing anything of any value; thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. I haven't done a single piece of homework at home this year, all my homework's been done during registration or lunch and break. I completely fucking up this year, which is sad cause this year I have to take my IGCSEs.

So I'm seriously considering going to the counselor sometime soon, cause a friend told me it sort of helped, that it was just nice to tell someone everything. I really need to, before I do something stupid, like last time. That fucking hurt for days. I hope I can trust her, and she won't tell my parents, cause that will fuck shit up even more and I'll probably get worse.

I've been trying to overlook my birthday, but it's tomorrow. All I wanted to do is come home from school and sleep the whole day away, but there's cake, which I don't mind, so I asked a couple of friends to come over. Then we're going for dinner. I wanted to go for dinner on Saturday instead, cause I always feel more tired than usual on Friday, but Dad doesn't listen. The most ridiculous part is that he ASKED me if I wanted to go on Friday or Saturday and I said Saturday, but he just hears whatever he wants to hear I guess. I don't want to be sixteen cause everything seems to get worse as I get older. Sixteen is supposed to be this big fucking thing but I don't want to do anything about it, I think I might regret this later, but right now I'd just rather not think about it. I just want to stop everything right now, but time is a spinning loom that never stops and it continues to weave my existence no matter my protests.

Thunder buddies for life.

So I got some early Birthday presents, and Ted was one of them.(I have a Thunder buddy for life now-even though I'm not afraid of thunder) Favourite ones so far are my DC comics Batman Converse high tops and Ted. Shh don't tell my other friends. I really need to get a larger Batman Begins poster, it doesn't go well with my other 2 posters of the trilogy.

Well today was pretty monotonous, boring, didn't feel like I was actually there as usual; every day just blends into another and nothing is particularly motivating for me. Well I heard one of my friends went to the counselor, then I think I saw some cuts on her wrists, so I asked her about them, but she didn't want to say and just covered them up with her cardigan. I didn't want to prod because I probably already made her uncomfortable, if it is what it seems to be, that is; I didn't ask again. I hope she's alright though, I'd rather no one feel the way I do most of the time, cause it fucking sucks. I'd rather be completely jealous of all the happy people around me. I'd rather everyone else feel better than me. The only reason I don't self harm is because my skins scars like a bitch, and one cut would be marked on my arm forever.

The whole issue of people talking about other people going to the counselor just puts me off from going. I probably really need one, or maybe a therapist, but I'm not going to go to one because I don't like other people knowing part of something and then judging me. Because I think I'll look weak, and I never want to be seen that way.

I've been getting more muddled lately, forgetting things and screwing up schedules, forgetting people. I already fucked up chinese for the year, cause I didn't do the goddamn book review, but every time I tired to do it, I want to bash my head into the wall or go try drowning myself in the tub again. I couldn't think of anything to write, cause I would get ridiculously angry with myself for begin so stupid and useless at this subject, and it was all downhill from there.

I have a lot of other feelings, but I'd rather not delve into them now. It's getting late. I wish it was a holiday right now, my birthday used to always be during the holiday. Still can't focus on anything at this time of the month cause I've spent 7 years doing nothing every time it was this time. I'm probably not as excited for my birthday as some of my friends are, I don't know. sweet sixteen? doesn't make a difference does it.

well, f--- me.

well, so the regular ridiculous conversation we have during lunch changed a bit today, we started talking about wanting to be here. Out of the 6 of us that were talking only, one of us liked this place, most of us wanted to leave once we got here, and I wanted to leave once I was told I was coming here. So fuck it, I'm staying here for at least another 3 years, till I'm done with IB. I was wondering if no one wants to be here why do I have to be in the one who is losing control of my life because of my monumental feelings of purposelessness and melancholy. I have to get my shit together, I mean if other people can, why can't I?
Turning 16, is that supposed to be a big deal? maybe in America, you get a car, you get extra freedom, well I'm not getting any of that here am I? I can't even get a goddamn electric vespa to ride to school. My curfew isn't changing, fuck mom 14 year olds can stay out till 2am, what is the problem with me staying out till 11, I mean I don't come home drunk or do drugs, and I rarely even go out. 16 isn't going to change anything for me, I'm not suddenly going to become talented, or mentally sound, or attractive, I'm not going to get to swap my skin for actual proper skin that doesn't becoming fucking retarded and scar for a decade because of a scrape. I'm not going to miracullously lose weight, or be able to wear all the things I want to wear but can't, cause of other reasons I would rather not discuss.My family isn't going to start talking about feelings, I'm not going to trust people enough to talk about feelings face to face, so shit won't change, it might even get worse.