Better Things Ahead?

I realise I only ever come here when I am sad and to dish out my sorrows in the form of cryptic poems and prose, but tonight I have nicer things to write about. Well, I just got an email telling me that I've been invited for an interview at Oxford University. It's quite another feeling when one of the best schools in the world tells you "hey, we think you're good enough to get a fighting chance at being here." I am still in quite a detached state, this feels surreal, it is great news, I know.

I can't quite get the part of my mind that panicks about everything to slow down and stop telling me "GO READ THE BOOKS ON THE READING LIST"
"GO SET UP PRACTISE INTERVIEWS"
"GO REVIEW THE THINGS YOU LEARNT ABOUT ON YOUR INTERNSHIP"
and let me enjoy the moment a little bit more before I start having my anxiety attacks.

I hope it goes well, I hope I enjoy my first time in Europe. I also hope I can walk without crutches by then, it would be a great inconvenience if I had to take them on a flight across the world with me.

Things might just be looking up, because I've found a new island to swim to in the ocean and it's closer than the other one.

A lot of the times I think I'm not pretty, but then I also think about how it shouldn't matter that much to people who matter.

A Dream Like Many Others

I close my eyes and see

I'm on the beach by the bay

The waves are cool and strong

I walk into them without a second thought

The water reaches my waist

The water reaches my chest

The water reaches my neck

Now my head too, all underwater

I keep walking, the sand is all soft

I don't bother breathing 

I know I cannot

The walking continues on 

I choke and I stop, short

But I don't try to get up, not even a little 

I fight it, I stay, I swallow water.

I know when it all goes dark 

and I'm done

My body will make its way up.

My existence is an inconvenience.

I am very confused about a lot of things and I change my mind often. But the one thing that has been constant is my want to leave. It rarely involves a specific location, or rather the location is nowhere but an ended existence.

When I write a poem or anything like that I just write it, and then I read it over again and think: wow that was really fucking dramatic. What is wrong with me? I need to stop being so fucking dramatic.

I can't even validate my own feelings and that is fucking sad. I feel sorry for myself, and sorry for how much I hate myself and how I never give myself enough.

I get lonely a lot but  I think about how I should stay lonely. Because no one needs to deal with the fucked up bullshit I drag along with me, that seems to come from nothing. I don't think anyone would understand, and I don't want to have to make someone understand because it's dark and I don't need to turn off the lights in someone else's life just because mine are turned off. Even if someone else did understand, it would mean that they have all of their own shit to deal with and I couldn't possibly want to give them all my shit too; it wouldn't be good for anymore. I think about how I should keep to myself because I think about leaving too much, and if I leave I want to leave as clean as possible. I mean I shouldn't try to tell anyone about the things that are hard to say, the things that latch on in my trachea and can't make their way out, there are reasons they're hard to say.

Everything is overwhelming and everything seems impossible. If I come out of this, I'm only going to be worse than I ever was.

Sometimes I want to talk to someone about how I used to be the kid who was proud to have 100% or 99% attendance rate and I almost never fell ill, and then the dark came into my head and diffused into my body, and now all I ever get close to is 80% and I want less, I want as little as I can get; I feel sick all the time.

But, there isn't much to mention other than this sickness is as real as any other and it isn't just limited to your mind and it seeps into everything else.

To a(ny) friend in the dark:

Are you sad when you smile?

Does your stomach turn in the lonely dark

Of your own making?

Surrounded by the walls built with

The distance you've made but not chosen 

It's okay, I know it's not all you

It's just the darkness in your mind 

That fills your heart sometimes and 

Holds you down sometimes

I know it feels like all the time.

Breathe, you don't have to give in

I'll hold on if you do so too

I'll search for light if you do so too.

[written 13 August 2014]

Despondency

It is the deep dark undercurrent
Always there by my feet,
Constant and cold.

Then the black wave comes
Heavy and overbearing, it hits hard and harsh
I am down, beneath the surface.
I cannot breathe
Again.

Or I am stuck in the riptide
Of luke warm and cutting chill.
I swim hard, but make no progress.
I am trapped
Again.

Then I give in to the icy torrent
I feel my skin and realise
I am as cold as the gelid sea,
My insides as dark as the immense black wave
And there is a familiar solace in the darkness
Unseen by others.

Warmth is foreign, unfamiliar
The light is too bright with the sun out.
I turn my head away, I don't know how to
Take it in.

I tread, I tread
I tread
Again.

Faded Fears

Faded fears are what I don't possess. I was never a child that was afraid of the dark or the monsters in my closet. I have, however, always been afraid of speaking, when it mattered, to the people who mattered. I am still afraid of failing and falling in every sense of those words; I am still afraid that if I start something I won't be good at it, and so I run away and remain afraid that if I run away I might be leaving something that I might be good at behind. I am still afraid of crying in public, I always fear it will make me look weak, it makes me feel weak. I am afraid of not finding something to live for. I am afraid of being this lonely forever. I am still afraid of showing myself, exposing the flaws I possess, both physically and mentally. I am afraid that I will not be able to love anyone; I am afraid that no one will love me. I am afraid I will never find a place where I am happy; I am afraid I cannot be a place where someone is happy. I am afraid I will never a be a person I can be proud of. I am still afraid of the things I cannot do.

THE 1975

Matty and George progressively wore less clothes from this point onwards

Got the stage photos off Heather's Tumblr, there's more over there and on her instagram if you want to check them out.

So this was one of the best nights of my life, granted it was hot and hell, the most I've ever sweated at a gig and people were fainting all around me - which did leave me worried and asking "Are you okay" to everyone around me like after every song. Nevertheless it was still fucking amazing.
I painted my own band tee, because the last time I did that for fall out boy it just made the whole experience so much more memorable.

Matty came out and said "your country does terrible things to my hair" and I was like "YESSS I KNOOOWWW, JA FEEL",  seriously though, I don't remember the last time I coped with letting my hair down in Singapore - it just gets more and more fizzy in the humidity and it is like a scarf here, I can't deal with that.





They played:

 I was so happy that they played Milk because it's such a fun song to jam out to, and So Far (It's Alright) was exactly what I needed because that song just makes you feel better no matter what. I was basically screaming out every song (and trying really hard to dance with all the people in the way).  Head.Cars.Bending. (enough said) Heart Out was freaking magnificent with John on the sax, literally nothing beats a live saxophone.


There was a minor issue when everyone shoved forward and our area just like domino-ed over each other, and I ended falling on Clara, but we were okay and Heather helped me up before I got trampled (there was literally no space to push yourself up, it was just bodies against bodies and you are probably had as much foreign sweat on you as you had your own sweat) Matty started giving water out (my video on instagram of Talk! shows that), and refused to play until people got hydrated and water was in being given to the audience because he is a sweetheart. The security guards started giving water out and I shared water with about the 20 other people around me so yeah...that happened but oh well, it's so much better than passing out.

Matty got everyone to put their phones away, and they started Me, and dear lord I was just completely taken away because that song just makes me feel so many things and it says so many things without saying much at all. Basically "I was thinkin' 'bout killing myself, don't you mind? Don't you mind?" and the very subtle "I love you, don't you mind? Don't you mind".... and they flawlessly followed that up with fallingforyou which is a beautiful fucking song and actually kind of gives me mixed feelings but how can you not stand there at just feel it all over you, and be completely there in that moment, utterly taken by it? Ross and Matty did fabulous harmonies, and mannn Adam is amazing on the guitar.

Energy levels were up again at You, (I just really love all their songs) and at "Do you wanna dance" I I just completely let loose. The beat in Menswear just makes it utterly impossible to not get stuck on it. Girls was incredibly fun to sing along to, more than you could imagine.

Robbers was just amazing like the entire performance plus the audience involvement, like everyone around you was as in to it as you were and you were there in this crowd of people all screaming "NOW EVERYBODY'S DEAD!!!!" Chocolate was perfect as always, //T H A T'S  W H A T  S H E  S A I D// Matty was just leaving gaps for the audience to fill and making the cutest little movements and faces. and the whole crowd was cheering for SEX before the encore, and they closed with SEX and George did this epic drum solo where he continued to make more epic drum faces, as he did throughout the show.

I wish that night lasted forever, I was completely unaware of the pain in my foot till after, and I forgot I had been sick before and when the music was playing or Matty was talking everything was freaking ace and like was perfect.

I literally cannot wait till their next album because I more than liked every song on this one! In an interview Matty said the wanted to release it exactly 2 years from the first one, which means September 2nd 2015. (That will be a great early birthday present)

Do you notice how when you say you feel bad some people ask you where or what it is, while some others just assume?

There are questions that are easy to ask and difficult to answer, and still we ask them so readily even when we know what it's like to be on the other side.

feel

Why do we have to know what we're doing all the time? Or at least look like we do. I don't know what I'm doing and I never have. I think I can say I love the way I am but I am only lying -I want to rip off my skin and start fresh without these scars with new flesh. I don't want to feel this stubble or be clumsy and stumble (all the time, all the time). I don't want to choke on my words or have what others' say feel like swords. I don't want to be weak or feel like I've sprung a leak (all the time, all the time). I don't want to be who I am, I don't want to give a fucking damn (all the time, all the time).

Running away from people and things, falling into the seduction of vapid darkness and the comfort of nothingness. This is how I pace fourth.

It's so hard for me to talk about my feelings to anyone, and it's even worse when they seem indefinite. I can't tell anyone any speculations I have about my personal feelings and I can never bring someone in to help me unravel the tangles; I sometimes just lie to make it more concretely categorised when I myself am entirely unsure...it fucking sucks sometimes how I can't bring myself to tell people about things that are emotionally important to me.

Recently, I've been thinking about how lonely it is and how the chances of me remaining lonely are extremely high, and just more things have happened that just make me think about this consistently and constantly.

I think about 'why' and I realised I'm an entirely emotionally inaccessible person, I cannot bring myself to show deep emotionally connections in public because I fear being vulnerable, so much so that I think I appear to be less than interested in many things I love entirely, or hate with passion. I realise that this makes me so much less of a person that one can comprehend, and really it's so hard to love someone you don't know... I find it so hard to be truthful about everything and open about anything because all I think about is how I am horrible at keeping my friends and that someday they are going to drift away and there's going be this person out there that knows things about me that I can't bring myself to tell anyone else, and I don't know why this bothers me so much... maybe I'm just terrible at speaking about my feelings because my family has never really been one to deal with our emotions, or maybe its just me. I am rude a lot of the time too and I never know what to say face to face. Also, most of the time I never give in to my feelings (other than for food because I am a sucker to short term satisfaction in that respect). Plus, if I'm going to be honest about it, I am not attractive enough for anyone to overlook all my shit.

Well, this sort of makes sense I guess...

Well the thing about life is that sometimes you're going to fall apart, some swooping wave of shit is going to come along and knock over the castle in the sand you've spent ages on. Sometimes there will be people there to help you rebuild your castle and everything will go a lot easier - it won't necessarily be easy, but it sure beats doing it alone. Other times there's going to be no one there to help, or simply no one noticing your castle getting swept away, and if you cannot bring yourself to reach for someone else, or if there is no one to reach for, you just have to suck it up and get your hands right back in the sand and start building again, because if you don't put in something, no one is going to do it all for you.

swim

It isn't simply because this system is bad and flawed or that it's only excuse for being so overwhelming is that other people have done it before so everyone else should be able to as well; it is because I have been in the deep dark end since long before with several hands holding me down and now this is yet another hand forcing my head underwater and I don't know how long I can keep treading water.

I talk too much about things I don't really want other people to listen to and they stop listening before I can bring myself to say the things I really need them to hear.

What a terrible alliance I have formed with the silence; I cannot breach the void and the hard cement only ever closes in and I remain within the crawl space searching for comfort in darkness, afraid of anything foreign, afraid of sound and light.

Silence of the mind 
Could be the best thing of all
A silence that eliminates
All the chaos and flaws
Silence that brings peace
Like a cool ocean breeze
but silence in itself cannot
Thaw the freeze
Silence with no whisper
To encompass it all
Silence that unraveling of
Thoughts into a void
The silence that I hope for
Cannot be achieved
without the exchange of
Something tremendous

                                       A silence of the mind
Could be the worst thing of all.

[written 3rd June 2013]

I care so little about what you think, but I think so little of myself.

Today,
There is this pit in my stomach
It won't go away
I don't know the cause
Not a single thing
Maybe everything

Everything's the cause
not just a single thing
I understand the cause
Of the things that won't go away
This pit in my stomach here, 
Today.

［written： 11 February 2014］

I am a dark cloud of a person, 
but I'll try not to rain until you get inside

[written 16th March 2014]

There is an incomparable isolation
within me,
that I cannot speak about
it is so difficult to admit
and so terrible to deal with.

Isn't it funny, then, that 
you would know
exactly what I am talking about?

[written 4th April 2014]

I douse my fires
with water or gasoline
they extinguish or
burn too high.

[Written 28 April 2014]

There is chronic loneliness but I feel less and less like I can talk to people or be with them.

Who?

I am constantly running around from place to place, mostly inside my head and I can't settle down; I leave everything unfinished and I have nothing to show for all the hours I spend flitting from this to that only doing a little each time. Everything is partial. I'm sometimes at highs where I'm buzzing and full of things to say and do, but most of the time I feel like I'm in a hanging knot in a canopy, unable to free myself. I don't know who I am all the time, I can't speak in one way, I can't think in one way, I can't act in one way and I can't constantly be the same person. I have such a diffused identity, I might as well not exist.

Up High

It is windy where I stand
Even more so as I make my way down
I speed up towards the ground
Till I can speed up no more
Then I am at constant pace;
I keep going downwards
Till there is no more space left to fall.
Now I have done what I came here for.

[written: 28th April 2013]

The feelings are sharp and familiar.

Trench

I can't deal with talking to my parents about my university/career plans, firstly, because I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I constantly think about not having a life and secondly, because they are never actually listening to me or trying to learning anything from me. All they ever do is assume they know everything there is to know and they never give me an opportunity to point out their misconceptions, and when they ask me about my opinions they aren't listening to find out about what I want, they're fishing for words that they can latch their ideas to and pitch them to me. I can always see how much they're judging me whenever I don't respond to what they want me to do, I don't even bother speaking anymore, I can feel the building disappointment and I can see it in their faces every time I mention something outside of the two things they want me to do. I can't be in this house with them, I can't go out with them, I can't be in the car with them, I can't be anywhere with them without falling back into the darkness where I want to reach for the easy key.

They aren't bad people and they are trying, but I just don't feel like they're good for me.

I constantly think about The Exit

Even more so than before. I have evolved from a body of anger to one of resignation; I only hope this isn't as powerful as before, or I could succumb to the lure of the vast open dark nothingness, or maybe at least try to again...

adulthood

The only part of being treated like an adult I want is the part where no one tells me where I can and cannot go or how much time I spend in or out of the house. Other than that I don't want it, I don't want to think about money more than I already do, I don't want to plan for a future with a salary and taxes and housing, I don't want to think about being responsible for other people. I want none of that, but life doesn't come with bargains does it?

School

I don't even understand who plans this shit. Who goes "well we're going to put you through the toughest pre-uni course! It's okay if you don't know what they want to do with their lives yet, we will leave them absolutely no time to think about that. Lets make them do 6 subjects, it's going to appear flexible but actually we're just trying to get them to work in 6 different categories even if they are terrible at some. Let's throw in a 4000 word essay that they're required to pass, lets also make up a whole new subject to make them think about thinking because I don't think the kids are having enough existential crises. LETS TRY TO CATEGORISE THE EQUIVOCAL NATURE OF KNOWING YEAH THAT WILL REALLY RILE THEM UP. Oh you know what? We should also make them do university research, let's not forget that halfway through this tidal wave of work they will also have to fill out all their application forms that decide their eventual fate. Lets make sure they have at least one test a week. Lets do IAs on top of that pretty often too. Wait we can't forget to make them holistic individuals, lets introduce a need for consistent participation in a wide range of after school activities. I'm sure they'll have time to just be teenagers and have fun with that, if they don't then it's really THEIR FAULT. They should learn how to handle this. Lets make it normal for everyone in the course to have anxiety or panic attacks every couple of weeks, it's no big deal, they can handle it! Yeah and they can't really be absent on any day without receiving certified medical leave from doctors (that are really fucking expensive here), forget taking days off because you don't have to strength to get out of bed and you want to drown yourself in the bathtub, get your ass to school! Oh and this is just the expectation, if they really want to succeed, if they want to get into universities and have a future in our flawed society, they have to excel in all those things and they have to participate in more activities and they can't sure as hell need have no inclination of having a limit. THEY HAVE TO BE TECHNICALLY EXPERIENCED TOO, but they should find a time and way to do that on their own, we've helped them enough. We're sure everyone is just going to be tip-top we'll have the most knowledgeable students yet, well they may or may not emotionally worn out and mentally unstable, but you know what, that's just the cost of succeeding in our society!

The A levels don't sound any better either, like how flawed does a school system have to be that so many students choose to skip school to STUDY for their exams? What more do people need to see before they go "Hey something's not right here, maybe we shouldn't keep making kids go through this."

I saw a dead person today...and now I don't know if what I'm feeling is because I have a cold or because I'm having an allergic reaction to something I ate yesterday or because I saw a dead person today.

Cool kids don't dance

Cool kids don't dance
They'll run you through a trance.

Cool kids don't dance
They'll kill you with a glance.

Cool kids don't dance
They won't give you a chance.

Cool kids don't dance
They only ever entrance.

Cool kids don't dance
They only have one stance.

Cool kids don't dance
They leave you no enhance.

Cool kids don't dance
They're just a circumstance.

I was reading through my poetry, and all of it is depressing.

True Procrastination

I don't actually know what I am doing or why, I am actually wearing sunglasses right now and have no recollection of putting them on, but I feel everything will be too bright if I took them off, it is 10:30p.m. 

I spent the weekend doing nothing school related. I technically did not get out of bed until 6pm on Saturday (while I got out to eat then went straight back), I was just in bed watching all of True Detective. True Detective is phenomenal, is it like a whole new level of television, this is the bridge between cinematic excellence and television gold. I am not kidding. The cinematography is exceptional,

and the acting in OSCAR WORTHY, if you want me to prove it just watch it, the 6 minute tracking shot at the end of episode 4 will probably seal the deal completely if nothing else does. I mean do you understand how hard it is to do that in a single take? Especially on a TV shooting schedule, in a real housing estate (it wasn't in a studio!).  I am terribly excited for tomorrow's episode! I also have a slight feeling of accomplishment because I wrote a mini review on it's cinematography (to validate my not doing work) on my IB film blog and other people actually reblogged it. I hope they actually read what I wrote and didn't just like the photoset (it wasn't a great photoset).

Well I hope my life is sort of amusing for you...I got cut by a takeaway box, I was betrayed by the food I wished to consume, my only comfort is that you will get a laugh at the pathetic-ness of this situation.

Am I sounding a little different today? I think it's because I've had too much sugar and tea, my attention span is extremely short today.

The sun is shining;
The sky is blue;
The food is good;
The company is decent;

Everything is terrible.

[written 20 December 2013]

locked in

A lot of the time I think about how limited everyone's perception of the world is; we can only experience our single life through our eyes, our skin, our nose, our ears. Everything only belongs to one person, and we can only truly feel this one person's emotions. How are we as individuals to know what it is like to be anyone else, how do we know it isn't completely different to be another person, in every sense of the word 'different'? I feel like just being me in this single life isn't enough experience of anything at all, and well it's more of a jail isn't it? We're just stuck in our own bodies, and if they get fucked up, we're fucked. It's like we're born shackled in and we can know nothing else that what it is like to be ourselves. Why do we even try to be other people, it never is going to work anyway....

percieve

I was just thinking about all the people I know and how I only ever get to see one, maybe two sides of each of them, and how they are actually so much more. It is probably such a pity that no one is ever wholly themselves in the presence of anyone else, hell I'm probably not ever being completely myself, I think there are sides of me I don't even realise exist.

sidenote: I got anxiety/stress chest pains again, I thought that was over because it hasn't happened it about a year I think, but no...and this time it was through the night to the next day, like what the hell, I do not need this.

I feel like my capability to run with the punches is greatly insufficient when compared to everyone else.

[part]

I am under the basic spell of wanting,
of wanting something that is not there
of wanting something I project.

I am under the influence of loneliness,
of loneliness that comes from within a crowd
of loneliness that comes from inside myself.

lock box

I know that I seem emotionally vapid, but it is mainly because I have developed an instinctive habit to suppress my emotions. It probably begin when I was a kid and my brother's main aim of teasing me was to see me cry and I would do my absolute best to never give him that satisfaction, and all the advice my mother gave me was 'He just wants to see you cry, don't do it'. So basically I have developed the habit of never appearing emotional in front of anyone, as I feel weak when I do so.

Well, you might think, that's not that bad, you probably do the same thing a lot of the time. However, it is profoundly frustrating because, I cannot make myself show any emotion, I can't make myself sincerely thank other people for being nice, and swallow my words when people say high to me on the street and it just comes out as some sort of whisper. Sometimes things I want to say come out in a completely different tone than I intend them to, and it gets on my nerves all the time. I just generally seemed unamused all the time, well I can be difficult to amuse, but even when people do something extremely great, like surprise me on my birthday, I can never provide a satisfactory reaction, because my first instinct is to NEVER show any emotion, and by the time I realise what I am doing, the moment has passed and I don't know how to open my lock box of emotions. I've forgotten how to retrieve to key after so many years of this, and honestly I confuse myself more than I probably confuse you.

New year (not so) new me.

Well the new year has rolled it's over-sped ass in, I was hoping it would feel longer. I just realised I will be turning 18 this year and I have literally experienced nothing of substance in my life. I have not loved, nor been loved (romantically...that is, seriously though, I am not lying when I say no one, ever, has said they liked me or had a crush on me or anything close to that, maybe I am just profoundly undesirable my the general public - but not enough to not be cat called and leered at), I have not been brave or risk taking. I also do not know how to do anything 'cool' like skateboard, or snowboard, on shred on the guitar, or dance. I have nothing really to be proud of, because I have not put my mind to anything and achieved it. I still have zero direction in life and, quite honestly, it is terrifying to be turning 18 with no direction. I'm supposed to be applying for universities by the end of this year, I don't even know what to do and it seems like all I'm doing is repeating the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't make myself get my shit together and start finding out, because I also feel like I'm not living, I'm not getting the chance (or taking the chance) to appreciate being young, everything is about the future and really I would like to say 'FUCK THE FUTURE' but a new year in the most recognisable evidence that the future is inevitable and I'd better be prepared for it. I can't proceed with getting rid of the toxic people in my life, because I live with them, and I'm probably the toxic person in their lives too, I just don't want to be surrounded by all this negativity for the majority of my time, I mean I already have enough of it from myself (I am no light in anyone's life).
 I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.