Recently, I've been thinking about how lonely it is and how the chances of me remaining lonely are extremely high, and just more things have happened that just make me think about this consistently and constantly.

I think about 'why' and I realised I'm an entirely emotionally inaccessible person, I cannot bring myself to show deep emotionally connections in public because I fear being vulnerable, so much so that I think I appear to be less than interested in many things I love entirely, or hate with passion. I realise that this makes me so much less of a person that one can comprehend, and really it's so hard to love someone you don't know... I find it so hard to be truthful about everything and open about anything because all I think about is how I am horrible at keeping my friends and that someday they are going to drift away and there's going be this person out there that knows things about me that I can't bring myself to tell anyone else, and I don't know why this bothers me so much... maybe I'm just terrible at speaking about my feelings because my family has never really been one to deal with our emotions, or maybe its just me. I am rude a lot of the time too and I never know what to say face to face. Also, most of the time I never give in to my feelings (other than for food because I am a sucker to short term satisfaction in that respect). Plus, if I'm going to be honest about it, I am not attractive enough for anyone to overlook all my shit.

Well, this sort of makes sense I guess...