For quite a while I have been trying to come to a conclusion to where I belong, and always coming up empty. Well it used to be that I just didn't feel I belonged with my friends, but no the whole act of being displaced as amplified the feeling of not belonging.
I don't feel like I belong where I came from, because every time I go back I notice things aren't the same and I feel that gradually I'm going to lose touch with it all. I don't belong where I am right now either because I was just placed here, 14 years after I was born, so I'm never really going to fit into this either. Sometimes this makes me feel extremely lost, but it's one of those things I always shove to the back of my mind all the time, and it only ever resurfaces when I am alone. Being from a typically asian culture and dropped into this sort of pseudo-western culture adds on to the very feeling of being this stand-alone no matter where I go.
Well I can look at it and weep but why? I have enough things to cry about, sure it makes me feel anxious and lonely sometimes, but I just have to remind myself on how each placed has shaped me a little bit hither and tither. I can't really call anywhere home now can I? But I guess that's okay for now.
Saturday, 26 October 2013
Monday, 21 October 2013
Sometimes I think about how utterly ridiculous for me to feel guilty about enjoying taking Film because my parents wanted me to take chemistry instead. Sometimes I think about how stupid it is for me to have to avoid talking about it so I don't see the look on their faces and can predict what they're thinking. Sometimes I think about how evil it is of them to constantly try to scare me into doing what they want by talking around me (not to me) about how everyone can't get jobs, if only they saw me curled up on the floor, of the closet, in the dark.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
the art of being colossally unhappy but never deficient
The extent of which I have dreams about dying in various ways is honestly on verge of being completely ridiculously hilarious. (They are dreams because there is no fear involved, and truthfully I suppose that is the scariest part)
I'm making my own decision to do whatever the fuck it is I'm doing right now, and in a way I should be proud for not taking chemistry or economics or 'the norm' for people who get grades like me. (This is in no ways an insult to anyone taking these things, you know what you are going to do with those things maybe, but I sure as hell don't) I might as well do whatever it is I peak interest in and go from there (after all I always have plan B, and the less supportive my parents are and the more I am apart from people the easier it gets to use plan B.) I'm positively sick of how my parents constantly tack-team to try and get me doing things that they think will make me 'successful', and it's disgusting that they completely disregard how much anxiety all of the shit they do gives me. I would like to thank my mother a great deal for brushing of my mentioning of waking up in the middle of the night because of fucking anxiety attacks (that took a lot to fucking admit, so really thanks for not even trying to say anything and just asking 'what is wrong with you' in your condescending as fuck tone, you won't even remember any of this but I always remember all this shit.)
The most ridiculous thing about my family is we can never go to each other for any form of emotional support. I can only discuss serious career choice matters with my father, and mother (with the addition of the occasional jokes with my mother), and they will never discuss any of their feelings with me (other than my father openly brandishing his anger and pessimism which I have adopted in many ways - you don't have to fucking tell me mum, I know what I am) In addition, all this absence makes the heart grown fonder crap is working for my brother and I because he has turned out to be the person in my family I like the most, but I can never discuss anything with him because, hell, we've never ever discussed any of our feelings ever. I can't tell him anything about knowing any of his emotional struggles and I can't bring myself to tell him about any of mine. So I can foresee my family going to absolute shit as time goes by, and honestly I am so bitter and angry all the time I do very little to stop it. I just go about my daily routine of hiding all of my feelings and getting through things day by day.
I'm making my own decision to do whatever the fuck it is I'm doing right now, and in a way I should be proud for not taking chemistry or economics or 'the norm' for people who get grades like me. (This is in no ways an insult to anyone taking these things, you know what you are going to do with those things maybe, but I sure as hell don't) I might as well do whatever it is I peak interest in and go from there (after all I always have plan B, and the less supportive my parents are and the more I am apart from people the easier it gets to use plan B.) I'm positively sick of how my parents constantly tack-team to try and get me doing things that they think will make me 'successful', and it's disgusting that they completely disregard how much anxiety all of the shit they do gives me. I would like to thank my mother a great deal for brushing of my mentioning of waking up in the middle of the night because of fucking anxiety attacks (that took a lot to fucking admit, so really thanks for not even trying to say anything and just asking 'what is wrong with you' in your condescending as fuck tone, you won't even remember any of this but I always remember all this shit.)
The most ridiculous thing about my family is we can never go to each other for any form of emotional support. I can only discuss serious career choice matters with my father, and mother (with the addition of the occasional jokes with my mother), and they will never discuss any of their feelings with me (other than my father openly brandishing his anger and pessimism which I have adopted in many ways - you don't have to fucking tell me mum, I know what I am) In addition, all this absence makes the heart grown fonder crap is working for my brother and I because he has turned out to be the person in my family I like the most, but I can never discuss anything with him because, hell, we've never ever discussed any of our feelings ever. I can't tell him anything about knowing any of his emotional struggles and I can't bring myself to tell him about any of mine. So I can foresee my family going to absolute shit as time goes by, and honestly I am so bitter and angry all the time I do very little to stop it. I just go about my daily routine of hiding all of my feelings and getting through things day by day.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
afraid
I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.
They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.
Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.
They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.
Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.
Friday, 4 October 2013
Thursday, 26 September 2013
labyrinth of sadness
I haven't been here in a while and it's because I've been absolutely swamped in school. Our introduction to IB was basically a baptism with FIRE. I had no idea what was going on and still have no idea, it's like I've been thrown into a dodge ball court with no prior notice and am just trying to catch what I can and not get hit.
China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)
On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?
My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.
I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.
China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)
On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?
My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.
I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.
Sunday, 1 September 2013
aimless
I have no idea where I am going in life and its absolutely terrifying. Everyone around me has their future jobs planned out and some of them even have plan Bs, and I'm just treading water. I'm on the fence about everything and I never know whether I'm making the right decision. I always feel guilty about every choice I make and the constant worrying is tearing me down, so much so I cannot bring myself to appreciate anything happening now.
I'm trying to plan something for my birthday, I haven't done anything like that in years mainly because I never felt the need to celebrate me dragging myself through another year. I'm not really getting anywhere with the planning, it's stressing me out too and it's not supposed to.
Why do we have to decide what we want to be for the rest of our lives now? I don't even know whether I want to live.
I need to get the worry out of my mind, it's always there, gnawing, nagging, it's just exhausting. I'm always tired now, I'm going back down to where I used to be.
I'm trying to plan something for my birthday, I haven't done anything like that in years mainly because I never felt the need to celebrate me dragging myself through another year. I'm not really getting anywhere with the planning, it's stressing me out too and it's not supposed to.
Why do we have to decide what we want to be for the rest of our lives now? I don't even know whether I want to live.
I need to get the worry out of my mind, it's always there, gnawing, nagging, it's just exhausting. I'm always tired now, I'm going back down to where I used to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)