afraid

I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.

They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.

Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.

Really, what am I doing? (I should be doing math hw that was due last week and hw that's due tomorrow)

They handed out the booklets for IB options today, I was making jokes to conceal my utter insecurity and almost complete anxiety about this. I very nearly started hyperventilating when I flipped through it. I have no clear path in life and I really don't know what to do. I mean sure it'll open up lots of options if I do biology and chemistry at higher level, but I don't think that's what I really want. I want to take film, but I don't know what I'll do with it later in life, I can't seem to validify wanting to be a screenwriter or director or critic as a viable option for a career. I mean being as Asian as I am, my parents are all for the engineering, doctor and lawyer shit but I DON'T KNOW.  I know no one is going to pay for me to go to film school or anything like that. I don't even know whether I am talented enough to do this because I haven't actually tried, I have ideas and dreams but that's all they are.

help this whole thing is so distracting and it's bringing back all the bad thoughts. I can feel them gnawing on me from the back of my head.

"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.”- Johnny Depp

This is exactly how I feel right now, because I can't choose and I honestly think I'm not good enough for anything. I have to drive because I feel like anything I'm interest in doing is completely out of my league. I hope I can find something I can do with a passion, something that I like and doesn't leave me on the street begging for money and affection. I hope I turn out somewhat like Johnny, he found something he loved and that he is incredible at. I hope I can have that too.