again, it begins.

twisting stomach
burning throat
taste, swallow
don't spit

vice grip
vacant pit
sratch skin
don't bleed

trembling legs
pounding heart
keep pace
don't trip

lock jaw
silent space
speak now
don't plead

Did you hold on tight enough when you felt it slipping through your fingers?

The tranquility of kindness fades so fast

The lightning speed of time

Here it goes again

Off to the other side

Never for you to hold again

One time and another, off to someone else

It slipped so fast, out and away, like water through the gaps in your hands.

A Dream Like Many Others

I close my eyes and see

I'm on the beach by the bay

The waves are cool and strong

I walk into them without a second thought

The water reaches my waist

The water reaches my chest

The water reaches my neck

Now my head too, all underwater

I keep walking, the sand is all soft

I don't bother breathing 

I know I cannot

The walking continues on 

I choke and I stop, short

But I don't try to get up, not even a little 

I fight it, I stay, I swallow water.

I know when it all goes dark 

and I'm done

My body will make its way up.

To a(ny) friend in the dark:

Are you sad when you smile?

Does your stomach turn in the lonely dark

Of your own making?

Surrounded by the walls built with

The distance you've made but not chosen 

It's okay, I know it's not all you

It's just the darkness in your mind 

That fills your heart sometimes and 

Holds you down sometimes

I know it feels like all the time.

Breathe, you don't have to give in

I'll hold on if you do so too

I'll search for light if you do so too.

[written 13 August 2014]

Despondency

It is the deep dark undercurrent
Always there by my feet,
Constant and cold.

Then the black wave comes
Heavy and overbearing, it hits hard and harsh
I am down, beneath the surface.
I cannot breathe
Again.

Or I am stuck in the riptide
Of luke warm and cutting chill.
I swim hard, but make no progress.
I am trapped
Again.

Then I give in to the icy torrent
I feel my skin and realise
I am as cold as the gelid sea,
My insides as dark as the immense black wave
And there is a familiar solace in the darkness
Unseen by others.

Warmth is foreign, unfamiliar
The light is too bright with the sun out.
I turn my head away, I don't know how to
Take it in.

I tread, I tread
I tread
Again.

Silence of the mind 
Could be the best thing of all
A silence that eliminates
All the chaos and flaws
Silence that brings peace
Like a cool ocean breeze
but silence in itself cannot
Thaw the freeze
Silence with no whisper
To encompass it all
Silence that unraveling of
Thoughts into a void
The silence that I hope for
Cannot be achieved
without the exchange of
Something tremendous

                                       A silence of the mind
Could be the worst thing of all.

[written 3rd June 2013]

Today,
There is this pit in my stomach
It won't go away
I don't know the cause
Not a single thing
Maybe everything

Everything's the cause
not just a single thing
I understand the cause
Of the things that won't go away
This pit in my stomach here, 
Today.

［written： 11 February 2014］

I am a dark cloud of a person, 
but I'll try not to rain until you get inside

[written 16th March 2014]

There is an incomparable isolation
within me,
that I cannot speak about
it is so difficult to admit
and so terrible to deal with.

Isn't it funny, then, that 
you would know
exactly what I am talking about?

[written 4th April 2014]

I douse my fires
with water or gasoline
they extinguish or
burn too high.

[Written 28 April 2014]

Up High

It is windy where I stand
Even more so as I make my way down
I speed up towards the ground
Till I can speed up no more
Then I am at constant pace;
I keep going downwards
Till there is no more space left to fall.
Now I have done what I came here for.

[written: 28th April 2013]

The feelings are sharp and familiar.

Cool kids don't dance

Cool kids don't dance
They'll run you through a trance.

Cool kids don't dance
They'll kill you with a glance.

Cool kids don't dance
They won't give you a chance.

Cool kids don't dance
They only ever entrance.

Cool kids don't dance
They only have one stance.

Cool kids don't dance
They leave you no enhance.

Cool kids don't dance
They're just a circumstance.

The sun is shining;
The sky is blue;
The food is good;
The company is decent;

Everything is terrible.

[written 20 December 2013]

[part]

I am under the basic spell of wanting,
of wanting something that is not there
of wanting something I project.

I am under the influence of loneliness,
of loneliness that comes from within a crowd
of loneliness that comes from inside myself.

Bay

I don't know what to say
All this is pulling me away

I will stand by the bay
Until I find a way,

To set fourth and slay
My demons in the fray,

Or the courage to not stay
and give in to the sway,

For there will be no fay
To make it all okay

Only the gradual decay.

7th May 2013

I hope you guys had a better Christmas.

can't

I can't even set goals for myself anymore, because I never fulfill them, I don't even take the small steps I break them down into. I do nothing but disappoint myself, it's just terribly depressing.

I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my family, not anymore, nor have I ever. We never have real conversations, conversations of substance and emotion. Everything is superficial or legislative. What is the point if family is nothing but a group of people whom you share a home, food and finances with? I can barely stand being here anymore and I have nowhere else to go. It isn't a single person's fault now, but who's going to fix it all?

I wrote again tonight, it's become a regular thing for the holidays, I guess...

[23rd December 2013]

I want to paint a new picture of myself
With bloodied hands and bloodied heart.
The picture you see is not a picture at all
It is but an impression of unreliable source
The picture you see is too clean, too prestine
Even with all the smudges and splotches.
I want to paint a new picture of myself
With mucky strokes and crooked form

I want to paint a real picture of myself.

 Written: 2nd September 2013


Do they differ vastly?
The faculties of you and I
We converse in such

                                 Hollow

Tone.

Is it because I am too

                                 Far gone

Or that you are encased in

Anger, too deep to unbound

Oh, how far we have come

With the time going too slow

In a moment and too fast

In the whole.

Was it better when I knew

Naught and you knew

All?

We are so far from

                              My hand in yours

Under the sun.

These feelings seem to always be relevant, as of late.

7th July 2013

Displace

I want to go places

And see new faces

But I am too afraid of the disgraces

So I stay in my crawl spaces

Away from the embraces

Leaving no traces

I write sometimes.

I wrote this in April this year, I don't really know if it's any good, but I don't know, it's sort of therapeutic to try and put things into words. It's why I have this blog anyway.

You tell me to just tune it out, but you were not molded by the anger and negativity.
You were molded by other things entirely, they may not have been better
but they are different.

I do not understand how you come up with all this advice, that
I should take without question, even when you have never asked what was wrong
in the first place.

We are meant to live like this I assume, silent and unknowing.
We will never bridge the gap, it grows bigger as each day passes reason cannot suffice
through blindness.