To a(ny) friend in the dark:

Are you sad when you smile?

Does your stomach turn in the lonely dark

Of your own making?

Surrounded by the walls built with

The distance you've made but not chosen 

It's okay, I know it's not all you

It's just the darkness in your mind 

That fills your heart sometimes and 

Holds you down sometimes

I know it feels like all the time.

Breathe, you don't have to give in

I'll hold on if you do so too

I'll search for light if you do so too.

[written 13 August 2014]

Despondency

It is the deep dark undercurrent
Always there by my feet,
Constant and cold.

Then the black wave comes
Heavy and overbearing, it hits hard and harsh
I am down, beneath the surface.
I cannot breathe
Again.

Or I am stuck in the riptide
Of luke warm and cutting chill.
I swim hard, but make no progress.
I am trapped
Again.

Then I give in to the icy torrent
I feel my skin and realise
I am as cold as the gelid sea,
My insides as dark as the immense black wave
And there is a familiar solace in the darkness
Unseen by others.

Warmth is foreign, unfamiliar
The light is too bright with the sun out.
I turn my head away, I don't know how to
Take it in.

I tread, I tread
I tread
Again.

swim

It isn't simply because this system is bad and flawed or that it's only excuse for being so overwhelming is that other people have done it before so everyone else should be able to as well; it is because I have been in the deep dark end since long before with several hands holding me down and now this is yet another hand forcing my head underwater and I don't know how long I can keep treading water.

What a terrible alliance I have formed with the silence; I cannot breach the void and the hard cement only ever closes in and I remain within the crawl space searching for comfort in darkness, afraid of anything foreign, afraid of sound and light.

Who?

I am constantly running around from place to place, mostly inside my head and I can't settle down; I leave everything unfinished and I have nothing to show for all the hours I spend flitting from this to that only doing a little each time. Everything is partial. I'm sometimes at highs where I'm buzzing and full of things to say and do, but most of the time I feel like I'm in a hanging knot in a canopy, unable to free myself. I don't know who I am all the time, I can't speak in one way, I can't think in one way, I can't act in one way and I can't constantly be the same person. I have such a diffused identity, I might as well not exist.

Up High

It is windy where I stand
Even more so as I make my way down
I speed up towards the ground
Till I can speed up no more
Then I am at constant pace;
I keep going downwards
Till there is no more space left to fall.
Now I have done what I came here for.

[written: 28th April 2013]

The feelings are sharp and familiar.

can't

I can't even set goals for myself anymore, because I never fulfill them, I don't even take the small steps I break them down into. I do nothing but disappoint myself, it's just terribly depressing.

I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my family, not anymore, nor have I ever. We never have real conversations, conversations of substance and emotion. Everything is superficial or legislative. What is the point if family is nothing but a group of people whom you share a home, food and finances with? I can barely stand being here anymore and I have nowhere else to go. It isn't a single person's fault now, but who's going to fix it all?

I wrote again tonight, it's become a regular thing for the holidays, I guess...

[23rd December 2013]

I want to paint a new picture of myself
With bloodied hands and bloodied heart.
The picture you see is not a picture at all
It is but an impression of unreliable source
The picture you see is too clean, too prestine
Even with all the smudges and splotches.
I want to paint a new picture of myself
With mucky strokes and crooked form

I want to paint a real picture of myself.

The problem with growing up is that there is not gradual way. You are held back and shoved forward at the same time and there is nothing to hold on to as you pinball around.

Fuck being treated like a child and having no say in things you care about, then being asked to decide on a career that you're going to stick to for the rest of your life. You won't even let me have a say in where I live, or what mode of transportation I take. Fuck having to ask permission to go to the bathroom then asking me to be mature and adult like in all situations.  Fuck you never listening to my opinions on things that matter then only asking me shit like where we should go for dinner. Fuck only being treated 'your age' when it is convenient. Fuck always feeling like you owe everyone something because you need to be taken care of.

I can't plan a future if I don't even want to be here today, and I can't ever want kids if all they have to look forward to is me fucking them up and society adding on more to that.

afraid

I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.

They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.

Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.

labyrinth of sadness

I haven't been here in a while and it's because I've been absolutely swamped in school. Our introduction to IB was basically a baptism with FIRE. I had no idea what was going on and still have no idea, it's like I've been thrown into a dodge ball court with no prior notice and am just trying to catch what I can and not get hit.

China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY  a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)

On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?

My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.

I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.

Bitter going in with a sweet aftertaste

I'm still fresh and revved up from Metallica's awesome display tonight so I thought I would write about this has honestly been the best ending to a summer (or any other holiday for that matter) ever.

I'm going to be absolutely honest this time and tell you that last year at about this time I had really hit rock bottom. I was no longer fighting back and I was giving in to my vices, I saw no point in starting a new school year and so I decided that it would be time that I end it once and for all. So I got a little bit wasted and tried to kill myself in the dumbest possible way, by trying to drown myself in a bathtub. (Seriously, is there a more ridiculous way?) Well I don't want to go into much detail because I'd rather not relive it all again, long story short, I failed and I felt worse than before. There's on thing feeling like a failure at everything, then it's another thing failing at the one thing that can cease to make you feel like a failure.

I basically dragged my way through the next school year not really trying, but at least I had better friends this year, they were a good distraction. For a while things seem to be looking up, I wasn't exactly happy, but I wasn't insanely depressed all the time, I was in a sort of non-feeling limbo which to me was slightly better. However IGCSEs were coming upon me, and everyone around me was getting nervous and everyone started studying and trying and I found that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. So began more days of opening my eyes and realising I made it to another day and feeling this immense wave of sadness rush over me, then almost bursting into tears. This was almost every morning and I just felt I was treading water desperately trying to not drown till the weekend came again. Even then there was no relief because now it was just me and my parents without my brother as my buffer and I just don't feel the family dynamic works with 3. It's so much harder with 3. And so I started sinking again, and now there were more panic attacks more often and more of lying in the closet in the dark to be away from things. I don't want to make this too long so, I just felt very bad all the time. And then I also lost my iphone which is probably the most expensive gift my parents have ever gotten me so there was more of feeling like I betrayed everyone and let everyone down and more panic attacks and some waking up in cold sweat.

When the exams actually started I still wasn't studying till the day before mostly and it felt like I was drowning even more so. I didn't get what the point was. I felt bad that I was one of those people who didn't need to study much to get a decent grade, I felt like I was lying to everyone and I was cheating them of their hardwork, so there was more guilt in the mix of the toxic sadness. Then I found out that I would be in Singapore in time to see Fall Out Boy and honestly I hadn't felt real excitement in so long it surprised me so. I so thankful that I have friends who trust me and would purchase tickets for me even though they themselves weren't going, THANKS BERNICE.

I finally had something to look forward to, and from then on I was just pushing myself forward to make it to that day. I was starting to fight back again. A little later on I found out that Metallica would be in Shanghai when I just get back and wow, coincidences have never made me more happy than this. Metallica are basically gods to me and Fall Out Boy was my raft through childhood into teenagehood, I could not ask for a better end to the summer. So I kept going through the summer. Even when I realised me taking that internship wasn't the best idea because I hated sitting at a desk and was to full of anxiety to talk to anyone. Even when I got home and felt like life was wasted on me, I just looked forward.

The 6th of August came and I was so excited I barely slept a total of 2 hours, and I was off to Fort Canning to line up. I met so many cool people there and it was amazing because everyone was there because of the band and everyone was unbelievably nice and loving and I just took a moment to think to myself 'this is how music brings people together' I was actually witnessing this and I was in awe.

Some of the amazing people I got to hang out with all day. You guys are all great, it was so good to just be with old friends and new friends all at once.

So I nudge my way to the barrier when we got let in through the gates and I was unbelievably excited, I literally wanted to pee myself, because I seem to want to pee a lot when I'm excited. Empra opened with a pretty great set, I think it's really cool that a Singaporean guy made a band with a bunch of Australians all named Matt and made some pretty great song. 

Fall Out Boy came on I was so excited I was singing along so loud and it just felt like I everything I was ever worried about had slipped away and this was the only reality I had to face, and it was a reality I was delighted to be in. When they played Sugar We're Going Down, I just felt like I was 10 again, when my biggest problem was my brother being an asshole and that could all be fixed when we sat down and watched MTV or nickelodeon together or made up stories about killer teddy bears. So there I was with great friends, singing my heart out and feeling like I was a child again, it didn't matter that the crazy guy behind us was boiling hot and didn't know how to jump on the spot, only forward and onto us, it didn't matter that I could barely breathe. The very feeling of seeing these people you've listen to and gone to for support through all those bad times, the people that have seemed to understand you when no one else was were actually right in front of you, they were real and you were there with them, that was all that mattered. (I keep changing my subjects, this might be why I'm never hitting top bands in essays) It felt like I really was fixed in forty-five.

I did get to meet them briefly when I went to the airport, but I didn't know how to begin saying all the things I wanted to say, so I didn't say anything at all (god this sounds like some cheesy song lyric) I was too starstruck and already shaking, it didn't seem to register as reality to the sleep deprived me. I did get them to sign some autographs and take a few pictures, I was again blown away by how nice they all were. I asked Patrick for a photo, but he hugged me first because he hugged everyone else, then he realised I'd asked for a photo and said "I thought you'd go for the hug first" and by then I was completely lost I couldn't bring myself to say anything other than thank you, and girlishly giggle (I never girlish giggle, what the hell!?) I really wanted to tell them thank you for being my float all this while, for giving me something to look forward to, for making me feel like a child again, for everything, I just could say anything. I couldn't even tell them that they have AMAZING garlic bread on Singapore Airlines business/first class. ( I know that is ridiculous but I did want to tell them that)

I'll stop this post here for now and continue on with Metallica another time. Basically going to concerts isn't just for the music, it's for that feeling of being a part of something big and belonging, it is a chance to see the people that have changed your life and realize that they are real and that the difference they have made is real. There is no replacement for these feelings. 

Bad girl

I am secretly the worst child ever, because I hate being with my parents, all I have been is with them without the buffer of my brother for over 2 years now and I was sick of it by the first months. I am just another buffer between my parents, the one with better grades, but not as talented. I loathe living with any family (except my brother, because we don't really get in each other's way unless there are things to be done together, however he did piss me off for making us late for Man Of Steel because watching movies is very important to me.) because there are all these expectations, keep in contact, call them, eat with them, talk to them. Well it is endlessly difficult to talk to them considering half the time it's just me listening, nodding and agreeing while thinking about other things, or just me sitting in silence and making eye contact but looking right through them. In addition, I am awkward with everybody, and I mean everybody, even my mom, my dad (and these are people I have lived with my whole life), everyone, so it is very difficult and I detest it. Adding salt to the wound, I hate phone calls, it takes immense courage for me to pick up the phone and call someone, because I'm not a big talker, I can write to you or type to you, but talk (haha), no.

I have a feeling, that if I do go away for university, I'll call less than my brother does, and give away much less information, not because I will be up to bad things, but simply because I like my alone time, I like roaming and knowing no one really knows where I am (there is a certain sense of freedom with that.) or what time I intend to return home. I enjoy eating alone, reading alone and watching movies alone. Funny how my parents seem to think I am the more "responsible" one, because once that leash is untied, I will probably be further gone than anyone else.

This all sounds very selfish and self-centered, don't think I do not realise this, but the very feeling of being tied to people sometimes makes me feel choked and suffocated; I think I want to get out, get away, but I might just as well regret all of these thoughts and opinions when things begin to go this way.

We are all hypocrites, aren't we?

There is are no age restrictions

"I'm so tired"
"Of what?"
"Of everything."
"What's a young girl like you got to be tired about?"
That is my problem, people don't think depression is possible in young people. I just want to say depression is equally possible in the young and the old. Maybe a kid can't really tell if they're really depressed...I sure as hell didn't know that me wanting to kill myself and crying myself to sleep for most nights when I was 12 was a symptom of having suicidal depression, but that doesn't mean I wasn't depressed. People need to get over the fact the people no matter how young or old are capable of complex emotions. Children know failure and disappointment too.

The same is said for the elderly...I'm thinking about this tonight cause my aunt mentioned not buying anti depressants for my grandad and buying all his other medication because she didn't think he was a "psycho case". That just made me so angry..cause having depression doesn't mean you are insane, it's an illness all the same and there is goddamn medication for it. Why can pain everywhere be treated and considered normal but once your brain is the organ that is trouble you're considered not normal? Nevertheless I had to suppress my outburst on that topic cause I cannot let my family know about my shit cause they clearly think it suggests I am crazy...well at least the "adults" of the family do.

Sometimes coming home makes me as sad as being away from home. Nobody I want to see has time for me and I don't get to stay alone in a hotel room. There are so many unmentioned expectations and regulations that I am supposed to adhere to.

fizzle and burn

Well at least I did my homework before doing this.

I don't really think half the things I do through, e.g. I spent half an hour setting things on fire in the bathroom and putting them in a wet mug to fizzle out. Now my hair smells like smoke and so does the bathroom. Today went pretty slowly though.

I was thinking about the times where the world just goes too fast for you. Like you're barely moving and everyone's moving on. People talk but you can't understand, you try but everything is muffled and you don't catch words, just sounds. Everything is just lights and sounds. You just want everything to slow down, to stop completely even, just so you can get back in. So you can spin the same speed. Then there comes those times everything is moving painfully slowly, not because their boring or embarrassing. Just because. It feels like you're lunging forward, but nothing's moving with you and you're trapped. The nervousness builds and the anxiety follows but you can't explain why, and you're heart beats faster while everyone else's doesn't. Your head races too, and sometimes there's even a buzzing in your ear,you try to slow down and catch words, movements, anything, but you always miss, because you're reaching too early. It's either one or the other most of the time for me. All I am is this lone being, detached from a universe where everything is connected. It's hard to illustrate these feelings, this feeling of isolation even, with full knowledge that there are people that feel the same or at least similar.

The world is spinning too slow now, and I am lunging forward at nothing.

late night blogging

I've just been thinking. I'm kind of going to write a condensed account of what its like to be depressed and suicidal for all the people who think the people who want to kill themselves are fucking stupid.

When you're depressed, most of the time you're just sad and you can't pinpoint a reason for your sadness. Everything and anything is dull and unexciting, even things you used to love, everything loses it's luster, nothing seems worth doing. You try to be interested in things and people and how other people feel, you try to keep conversations going, but it's as if you physically are not capable of being a complete human being. There isn't just the feeling of being alone or lonely, it is as if you are completely detached from society and all the things around you, it doesn't matter if you know that there are other depressed people around, you still feel as if you are the only person in this disjointed part of the world. You lose focus on most things, and you mentally drift in and out of being where you physically are. The days all blend into one, and memories are foggy and don't seem to be yours, they are more like recounts of a tv show you watched, and not a good tv show.

Then there is the complete and utter despair that overwhelms you, seemingly totally by surprise. It feels like you're drowning, and sometimes you lose the ability to speak for a while. Sometimes you just beg to not be where you are, and to return to wherever it is you can be completely alone. Sometimes you spend hours just lying on the floor, doing nothing, and moving very little. You can't concentrate, which makes school very hard. You can't be invested in any relationships, which makes you more distant from everyone than you already are.

You look around and see how truly alone you are, how really everyone could live on without you. There's the feeling of complete hopelessness, because you can't fix yourself. You need help, but there's too much to explain to really get anyone to completely understand. So there are the options, die or live on going down this god forsaken path, becoming sadder and sadder by the day, just decaying overall. Death seems about right now, doesn't it? People can go on without you, they might be sad, they might not be, but people move on in the end.

Suicidal thoughts just don't stop appearing in your head, when you're with your friends, when you're in car. There really isn't a time or place, or specific things that trigger them off anymore, they just come. Would you understand feeling the almost NEED to throw yourself out of a moving car on a highway? Sometimes these things are too hard to bare, and you try, you try to end it, and sometimes you fail. Failing just makes it worst, because all you think of is how you can't even do that right. It just makes you feel more worthless. You think about how you don't really care about anyone anymore, and how little you feel about everything, and you see that you really aren't a person anymore, you're just a shell. You may look, speak, and feel like a human being, with flesh and bone and all the other physical aspects, but you don't have the emotional capacity to be one. So if you aren't a person, what's the point of living a person's life, spending money that isn't yours, buying new things you may not use for long, connecting with people you just might leave very soon, what is the point?

This is pretty summarised already, I tried my best to let people understand.