can't

I can't even set goals for myself anymore, because I never fulfill them, I don't even take the small steps I break them down into. I do nothing but disappoint myself, it's just terribly depressing.

I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my family, not anymore, nor have I ever. We never have real conversations, conversations of substance and emotion. Everything is superficial or legislative. What is the point if family is nothing but a group of people whom you share a home, food and finances with? I can barely stand being here anymore and I have nowhere else to go. It isn't a single person's fault now, but who's going to fix it all?

I wrote again tonight, it's become a regular thing for the holidays, I guess...

[23rd December 2013]

I want to paint a new picture of myself
With bloodied hands and bloodied heart.
The picture you see is not a picture at all
It is but an impression of unreliable source
The picture you see is too clean, too prestine
Even with all the smudges and splotches.
I want to paint a new picture of myself
With mucky strokes and crooked form

I want to paint a real picture of myself.

The problem with growing up is that there is not gradual way. You are held back and shoved forward at the same time and there is nothing to hold on to as you pinball around.

Fuck being treated like a child and having no say in things you care about, then being asked to decide on a career that you're going to stick to for the rest of your life. You won't even let me have a say in where I live, or what mode of transportation I take. Fuck having to ask permission to go to the bathroom then asking me to be mature and adult like in all situations.  Fuck you never listening to my opinions on things that matter then only asking me shit like where we should go for dinner. Fuck only being treated 'your age' when it is convenient. Fuck always feeling like you owe everyone something because you need to be taken care of.

I can't plan a future if I don't even want to be here today, and I can't ever want kids if all they have to look forward to is me fucking them up and society adding on more to that.

afraid

I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.

They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.

Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.

Bad girl

I am secretly the worst child ever, because I hate being with my parents, all I have been is with them without the buffer of my brother for over 2 years now and I was sick of it by the first months. I am just another buffer between my parents, the one with better grades, but not as talented. I loathe living with any family (except my brother, because we don't really get in each other's way unless there are things to be done together, however he did piss me off for making us late for Man Of Steel because watching movies is very important to me.) because there are all these expectations, keep in contact, call them, eat with them, talk to them. Well it is endlessly difficult to talk to them considering half the time it's just me listening, nodding and agreeing while thinking about other things, or just me sitting in silence and making eye contact but looking right through them. In addition, I am awkward with everybody, and I mean everybody, even my mom, my dad (and these are people I have lived with my whole life), everyone, so it is very difficult and I detest it. Adding salt to the wound, I hate phone calls, it takes immense courage for me to pick up the phone and call someone, because I'm not a big talker, I can write to you or type to you, but talk (haha), no.

I have a feeling, that if I do go away for university, I'll call less than my brother does, and give away much less information, not because I will be up to bad things, but simply because I like my alone time, I like roaming and knowing no one really knows where I am (there is a certain sense of freedom with that.) or what time I intend to return home. I enjoy eating alone, reading alone and watching movies alone. Funny how my parents seem to think I am the more "responsible" one, because once that leash is untied, I will probably be further gone than anyone else.

This all sounds very selfish and self-centered, don't think I do not realise this, but the very feeling of being tied to people sometimes makes me feel choked and suffocated; I think I want to get out, get away, but I might just as well regret all of these thoughts and opinions when things begin to go this way.

We are all hypocrites, aren't we?

There is are no age restrictions

"I'm so tired"
"Of what?"
"Of everything."
"What's a young girl like you got to be tired about?"
That is my problem, people don't think depression is possible in young people. I just want to say depression is equally possible in the young and the old. Maybe a kid can't really tell if they're really depressed...I sure as hell didn't know that me wanting to kill myself and crying myself to sleep for most nights when I was 12 was a symptom of having suicidal depression, but that doesn't mean I wasn't depressed. People need to get over the fact the people no matter how young or old are capable of complex emotions. Children know failure and disappointment too.

The same is said for the elderly...I'm thinking about this tonight cause my aunt mentioned not buying anti depressants for my grandad and buying all his other medication because she didn't think he was a "psycho case". That just made me so angry..cause having depression doesn't mean you are insane, it's an illness all the same and there is goddamn medication for it. Why can pain everywhere be treated and considered normal but once your brain is the organ that is trouble you're considered not normal? Nevertheless I had to suppress my outburst on that topic cause I cannot let my family know about my shit cause they clearly think it suggests I am crazy...well at least the "adults" of the family do.

Sometimes coming home makes me as sad as being away from home. Nobody I want to see has time for me and I don't get to stay alone in a hotel room. There are so many unmentioned expectations and regulations that I am supposed to adhere to.