I only hope this place grows on me like the previous on did. I started with hating shanghai to missing it and all the people I met in it; I only hope it turns out the same here. It feels so different though, I feel so out of place, I guess I did when I first moved to shanghai as well. But then again the forced independence is leaving me reeling, its not that I lack the practical ability to take care of myself, I can cook, and budget and travel, its just the social aspect that has me in tatters and begins to effect everything around me including my ability to pay attention and study effectively. Its all very overwhelming, but so many others seem to be coping just fine and I wonder if its because I am, in some way, a broken individual.

I know I've done absolutely terribly for collections, aside from stats which went alright I guess. I only hope the further meetings regarding it don't involved someone going along the lines of 'what's wrong with you?' like my last bad academic meetings that triggered one of my worse anxiety attacks - it was especially bad to have almost a full day of school ahead of me as it happened, and a test as well, which I tanked. Thinking about those meetings now will only leave me feeling worse though, I guess I'll try to focus on crossing that bridge when I come to it.

I came here knowing I couldn't do this and just let my weak-self get talked into some name-based bullshit decision that didn't have my best interest in consideration at all. Now I don't know if I can find a way out that leaves me in a livable state.

again, it begins.

twisting stomach
burning throat
taste, swallow
don't spit

vice grip
vacant pit
sratch skin
don't bleed

trembling legs
pounding heart
keep pace
don't trip

lock jaw
silent space
speak now
don't plead

Did you hold on tight enough when you felt it slipping through your fingers?

The tranquility of kindness fades so fast

The lightning speed of time

Here it goes again

Off to the other side

Never for you to hold again

One time and another, off to someone else

It slipped so fast, out and away, like water through the gaps in your hands.

And so come the waves of guilt for what I could be doing and should be doing; what everyone else is doing and what I am not; how much everyone else is trying and it feels like I'm not; how if this ends badly I will be at fault; and how if this ends well I'll feel guilty for not doing as much as everyone else still...

Watch me try to be a good friend but also continue to be the useless one who relies on every one else to get through school and work.

I'm so tired and sad all the time.