I douse my fires
with water or gasoline
they extinguish or
burn too high.

[Written 28 April 2014]

There is chronic loneliness but I feel less and less like I can talk to people or be with them.

Who?

I am constantly running around from place to place, mostly inside my head and I can't settle down; I leave everything unfinished and I have nothing to show for all the hours I spend flitting from this to that only doing a little each time. Everything is partial. I'm sometimes at highs where I'm buzzing and full of things to say and do, but most of the time I feel like I'm in a hanging knot in a canopy, unable to free myself. I don't know who I am all the time, I can't speak in one way, I can't think in one way, I can't act in one way and I can't constantly be the same person. I have such a diffused identity, I might as well not exist.

Up High

It is windy where I stand
Even more so as I make my way down
I speed up towards the ground
Till I can speed up no more
Then I am at constant pace;
I keep going downwards
Till there is no more space left to fall.
Now I have done what I came here for.

[written: 28th April 2013]

The feelings are sharp and familiar.

Trench

I can't deal with talking to my parents about my university/career plans, firstly, because I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I constantly think about not having a life and secondly, because they are never actually listening to me or trying to learning anything from me. All they ever do is assume they know everything there is to know and they never give me an opportunity to point out their misconceptions, and when they ask me about my opinions they aren't listening to find out about what I want, they're fishing for words that they can latch their ideas to and pitch them to me. I can always see how much they're judging me whenever I don't respond to what they want me to do, I don't even bother speaking anymore, I can feel the building disappointment and I can see it in their faces every time I mention something outside of the two things they want me to do. I can't be in this house with them, I can't go out with them, I can't be in the car with them, I can't be anywhere with them without falling back into the darkness where I want to reach for the easy key.

They aren't bad people and they are trying, but I just don't feel like they're good for me.