guilt

My parents have only been back home for 5 days, and I already want another break from them. 3 just isn't the family number. I already feel that the house is too loud and overcrowded (it literally can't be overcrowded because this house is huge, but I just don't feel at ease anywhere anymore). I feel extremely guilty for thinking this way because, after all, these are my parents, that have waned from the high points in their life while raising me (I did Philip Larkin for lit so...) It is so difficult to handle all the negativity that bleeds out from my father, and the pretentious way my mother acts sometimes (not forgetting how I have become her only friend here because she does not want to socialise - and she wonders why I don't want to be in social situations)

Do you have someone that will guilt you into going out for fucking lunch with them even though you tell them that you are swamped with work and want to actually spend that day doing it. I have no time for all this bullshit right now.

There is just something so profoundly ridiculous about how my mother can say just ignore him, when clearly she cannot herself do the same, and I have only grown up knowing this and it has only gotten worse. I like it better when all I heard was a voice on the phone, a voice that clearly sounded happier than when it were right in front of me. Your parents do fuck you up, and really, I am not keen on having kids of my own because 1. who wants my gene pool, I have fucked up skin and digestive system,, etc 2. I probably would fuck them up more than I already am.

I am so filled with anger and guilt, and this is my perpetual state. I am quite sure that the amount of guilt I feel is neither normal nor healthy, I feel guilt for things I did as a child, for all thing things I have thought, for so many things I have said, the guilt just sits there, like dust under a cupboard, building up over time. I can never escape it, I'll feel guilty for all the things I said above for so long, but I do have to say them or it will be the anger that stays and festers, and I can't decide which one is more toxic.

grounded and driven

I never do posts like this, but I really do have to say these things.

 

 

Other than Tom Hiddleston being extremely charming, and probably the nicest person on earth, he is also very intelligent and driven, and I never truly realised this till recently. I think he naturally gives such good advice, to himself and others, and yes I did watch the entire interview (part 1 & 2) which I usually would never do, but simply because everything he was saying was engaging and he is just terribly terribly sweet.

The main thing I've taken from this is that I really shouldn't let fear impede finding out what I want to do and just go ahead and do it. I might fail, but I think there's more regret in not trying at all, I shouldn't let the constant nagging anxiety, that is probably over exaggerated and ridiculous, control my life. Also, I should always aim to be grounded no matter what, because truly, I am not better than any one person.

This man really deserves all the good things happening to him, because honestly, he is such a good sport, is so nice to everyone, and remains humble even with all his success.

Jobs

All the pursuits of the people around me are aimed at jobs and can't settle on a single thing. I cannot imagine how someone aims to get a job to sit behind a desk at 14 or 16, I don't know. I could never do that, I've tried it and very nearly went completely out of my mind and almost flung myself out a seven story window.
Why is money real, why do we have to get jobs, all I really want to do is watch movies, read books and poetry, and discuss them with other people (traveling would be nice too but well that's another thing) It's so nice to discuss all these things with other people, because I always find out about things I never noticed or see from a different point of view. Why can't that be all I do, why can't I live off that? Why can't I just read up about chemistry and biology purely because it interests me and not be tested on it. How did we create these social needs that we cannot live without now but seem to have gone by just find before?

This is barely one side of the arguments and I'm always swimming between the two islands. I don't know if I'll be able to make a decision in time. The clock is always ticking, I'll never feel fine.

Often I find myself torn between doing everything I want to do (because this is my life) and doing what will make me successful enough to support my family. I can never seem to make a choice and I don't know to to build a bridge between the two, and now and again I just find myself with this pit in my stomach, gnawing at me. I can never make a decision on what I want to do either, I can't settle on one thing, I want to do so many things and it kills me to think that I have to choose between them. What if I make the wrong decisions, I really don't want to live a life of regret. Why can't we remain young and naive?