just general shit...to me.

Most of the time I just want time to stop, I go to school and I get through it because everyone else is getting through it so there isn't really an excuse for me to breakdown a just all out stop getting through each day there. (Plus, that's where my friends are, and right now I'm with people I like quite a whole lot) Then I get home and I'm absolutely drained, it doesn't even matter how little I did in school, it's just like I can't do anything anymore. So I just want everything to stop, I take a long long time to get myself in the shower, I wait till after dinner to do anything that has to be done, even though I clearly have hours before that. I think that's why I don't really go online till late, because I'm not excepting the fact that time is actually passing and I'm losing my day. I don't know, I just want to get home and feel like I've slept for 10 hours even though it's only been 1. I just don't want to feel tired and overwhelmed all the time, I mean this is getting old and its wearing me out. I can't remember the last time I felt relieved or at ease, it has actually been years. I can't handle myself anymore, most of the time I just see myself failing at everything I am going to try to do later in life (it is not helping that I am actually failing math, and no one is letting me drop to the lower mandarin class even though I clearly do not understand anything that is happening in the one I am currently in). I actually do not get anything done outside of school, jesus christ, I am so fucking messed up and disorganised and, not to mention, unmotivated.

I cannot even begin to imagine how I will deal with my mock exams even though they are only a month away. Someone come and pick me up before I colossally jeopardize my future. They teach you how to succeed in life, but they never teach you how to except failure, you have to learn to yourself, and they never except failure, they brand you for it.

Also, why the hell do I have a lot to say here all the time, but never can think of actual things to say when I have opportunities to go to the counselor.

I really want to be able to get to places myself, I don't know why I hate relying on people to get to where I have to be so much. I just really don't like it. If you don't have to be there, I just don't want you to take me there, I don't want to sit through idle conversation or awkward silences. I don't want to run around anyone else's schedule. I don't want to always feel nervous because someone had a fucking nervous breakdown when he was driving. I don't want to constantly be around your negative as fucking energy because I'm already suicidal enough. I want to plan my own times, I want to have time to relax, I want to have time to make proper food for lunch. How they fuck do I make a valid case or getting a fucking electric vespa without revealing how fucked up I am?

I am so tired and should really be sleeping, but I'm in this state between suicidal and seething anger, and mindless euphoria for some weird as fuck reason. I need help that I will not seek.

I didn't do any math even though I said I would and there's a test tomorrow. This happens all the time, what is wrong with me, why can't I get my shit together and get stuff done?

I am slowly but surely ruining my own life.

what now?

Well the larger part of these couple of months have just been me thinking about what to do for my future and not really coming up with anything. I realise, I don't have a calling or anything viable job prospects that are recognised by my quite traditional parents. (if I hadn't mentioned before, the only subject I would be quite passionate about would be film, and probably english) But, don't people say it always easier to go from science and math to arts and humanities, and almost impossible the other way round? Help I am honestly at a complete loss. I really want to do something that has to do with making movies/writing movies. Movies make you think, make you realise things, they carry you through though times, let you experience things you could otherwise never experience, the motivate you, inspire you, I just want to be a part of that. I want to do for other people what movies did for me.
But, I honestly have no idea if I am capable of that at all. Can I write screenplays, or direct, or act,or even critic? I don't know anything. If I were to go all science and math I would probably get through, but I'd probably won't be happy, but if I really go for film and I fail, what do I do then? I just have no drive now, or motivation, everyone is talking me out of doing film and steering me someway or another, towards careers I don't feel connections to. (All I can think of now is if I fail I just might turn to dying by my own hand.) How do people know what they want to do with their lives and really work for it, because I really have zero self confidence in acheiving anything, and I feel absolutely talentless (isn't that already admitting defeat?)

everything about my life is just uncertain and I have no courage to face it, all I want to do is run away. I never want to go to school or face people, I never want to make decisions that affect my future in the long run. I want to run away from everything. I'm sixteen and I want to be a child, I don't want to be and adult and get my life together, I am not in a fit mental state to make any rational decisions about the rest of my life.

I would recount The Fray's concert, but I'm way to tired right now. So I'll  just give you a list of bands I want to see live because of reasons.

The Maine
Hurts
Neon Trees
Coldplay
Panic! at the Disco
30 seconds to mars
Avenged Sevenfold (but I'll never get to see Jimmy on the drums, ever...)
Blink 182
The Killers
Muse
Linkin Park
Bombay Bicycle Club
The Cab
Metellica
Incubus
Green Day
Foster The People
Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Script

Nirvana (if the time machine is invented...)

Really, what am I doing? (I should be doing math hw that was due last week and hw that's due tomorrow)

They handed out the booklets for IB options today, I was making jokes to conceal my utter insecurity and almost complete anxiety about this. I very nearly started hyperventilating when I flipped through it. I have no clear path in life and I really don't know what to do. I mean sure it'll open up lots of options if I do biology and chemistry at higher level, but I don't think that's what I really want. I want to take film, but I don't know what I'll do with it later in life, I can't seem to validify wanting to be a screenwriter or director or critic as a viable option for a career. I mean being as Asian as I am, my parents are all for the engineering, doctor and lawyer shit but I DON'T KNOW.  I know no one is going to pay for me to go to film school or anything like that. I don't even know whether I am talented enough to do this because I haven't actually tried, I have ideas and dreams but that's all they are.

help this whole thing is so distracting and it's bringing back all the bad thoughts. I can feel them gnawing on me from the back of my head.

"As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.”- Johnny Depp

This is exactly how I feel right now, because I can't choose and I honestly think I'm not good enough for anything. I have to drive because I feel like anything I'm interest in doing is completely out of my league. I hope I can find something I can do with a passion, something that I like and doesn't leave me on the street begging for money and affection. I hope I turn out somewhat like Johnny, he found something he loved and that he is incredible at. I hope I can have that too.

Career prospects (or the absence of them)

Today there was the IB options talk for all year 11 students, to understand what the fuck we were getting ourselves into in 2013. After all that I still don't know what I'm going to do, because I don't know what I'm going to get into as a career or what I'm going to take in university, or where I am going to go in university.
In case you didn't know IB has 6 Categories and we are supposed to pick one out of each category or not pick and arts and pick another science or humanities. I find that ridiculously difficult to just pick 6, because it would be so much easier we it was 7 but not as in depth and difficult. I'm going to HAVE to do HIGHER LEVEL MATH, which might completely mind-rape me on a regular basis, I might take higher economics (or standard level, have to research that) too. I don't know which higher level science I'm going to do, because I have absolutely no idea what fields of work I'm going to get into.
So those are going to be my 3 higher levels.

The only subject I'm really keen on taking is IB Film, because you have no idea how interested I am in films and film history and everything about movies. However, my mom doesn't seem to get it, she thinks I'm just wasting my time and should take double higher science along with higher math to "widen up my options" to be honest the only field of work I have developed a genuine interest and passion for is film (directing, screen writing, all aspects). I finally kind of worked up to courage to work that into the conversation during dinner, but mom just put me down and made it seem like I was being a "dreamer" and we have enough of that in the family cause my brother is going into sound engineering (or something like that) after NS. They kind of hope for me to be the "successful one" to support them. It's fucking hard ok, it's fucking hard to have your parents just want to go for safe options so you can get the typical job and just work through it and support them. It's fucking hard for them just to overlook your older brother and let him do whatever, and have them just tie you down as a safety. (I actually really want to talk to my brother now...we never talk) Remember when people used to say just do what your interested in, now I CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT.
Mom thinks I MUST take 2 sciences and maybe fall back on film if I fail, but IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY MOM. How can I fall back on film if I don't take the subject in the first place.

It would be easier if we didn't have to take a second language, cause I would just take a second science and do film but... it is. I'm probably going to do french ab initio because I am actually interested in the language and cannot handle doing mandarin as a first language anymore.

All I am is extremely discouraged and quite suicidal so I didn't take a bath today, I took a shower instead, even though I really needed a warm bath.
please help. I need career advice or something.