help.

I am having a complete mental breakdown and I can't even pinpoint exactly why. It was just the fact that I failed at ordering class photos and haven't studied AT ALL for the economics test tomorrow that completely drove me over the edge. I didn't realise it was building up at all? Whoops? Haven't felt this in a while, I am actually going into suicidal mode right now. help. I can pay attention and remember anything, dear god help me, there isn't even an opportunity to revise tomorrow morning because we have fucking assembly. I am so fucking tired of every thing, especially today, I did double basketball and netball in the same day and I woke up at 5 30am for this shit, and I don't even understand anything I've felt in the past week because I am just a colossal mass of failure and patheticness(this isn't even a fucking word is it?).

maybe I should get to that

Maybe not.
Thanks to my inability to have a sense of urgency strong enough to overcome my queen of procrastination attitude, I predict that I will not be doing the homework that needs to be done tonight. I will also probably not even revise for the upcoming test. tune in for more on how I am slowly but surely ruining my life!

Today was sports day, and I got third for both events I took part in. Well at least the green ribbons are a nice green. I have no idea why I am so tired but I took a 2 hour nap with wet hair after I got back, so I have a headache now. Oh JOY! I also have to wake up at 5 30 tomorrow so I can fucking get to school at 7 for basketball training, then we have PE right after then I have netball after school. This is going to mess up my back further, it already hurts like a bitch for the 5 consecutive days of sport last week.

help I am 16 and I have all the aches and pains of a 70 year old.

The Shrinking Room

My time alone is up for now. My parents are getting back tomorrow evening, and I would like to go out for dinner to avoid the trick-or-treaters since I won't be getting any candy this year. Well, because my parents HAVE to see me when they get back.

I feel completely exhausted this week because it started completely rubbish. I woke up an hour late, and ended up having to exaggerate my ailments on the phone to my parents to avoid having to go to school. However, even with the extra time I did not do any homework because I am the Queen of Procrastination and will ultimately ruin my entire existence further with this habit. The I had 3 different sports to play on tuesday and I got hit in the face by a rounders ball (which in case you didn't know, it a smaller baseball but equally hard), because I was sort of high for not eating with my flu (and other) medication (whoops). And I had a sport everyday this week and tomorrow too. My hamstrings and back are really fucked up now....I don't even remember when I hurt them.

Well aside from that, even being left alone I felt not much more free, just barely free at all. I don't even like having a driver, I don't like planning times to leave with other people and having awkward silent drives to places. I like getting to places on my own at my own pace. I don't know how to explain it, I just loathe the majority of this arrangement. (I'm using loathe, I know, I'm sorry I started reading The Importance Of Being Earnest for English) I really want an electric vespa, it is totally legal for me to get one if you were wondering. It would be so much easier. But even as I get older my parents are still making the ground I stand on shrink.

I want to be alone a lot, and I don't think making friends will help me with that, but not making friends will just make me feel worse. I don't know, it's like I'm a cornered animal, and I can't make out what's pushing me into this corner. It feels like the walls are closing in, and I don't know why I always feel this way and it's getting more intense, but I never get the nerve to get help and I might be destroying my own chances to be anything I want to be.

Not the best of character

I think I'm a very bad person. Simply because I care very little for people. Mom just told about something that is quite important, healthwise, and honestly, I didn't feel very much at all. Then Dad barely said two words and got cut off, and I felt a sense of relief. I don't know if it is my complete detest for talking on the phone, or just more evidence on how I am a bad child and a bad person.

On a side note, after almost two years, I am still finding it ridiculously difficult to do homework. This is probably because for 14 years of my life, I barely ever did homework at home or handed anything in on time, and there were barely any consequences. I guess that was the perks of having 40 in a class. Now it's so easy to check who doesn't do their shit, and really I can't fucking do anything. When I get home it's like nothing that happened today or is going to happen tomorrow matters, I can't fucking get my shit together to make progress on anything. This is not the best year to be falling into this whirlpool of self destruction but it sure as hell looks like I'm already mid way in. I can't go to the counselor tomorrow, because I have basketball trails, I don't know if I'll ever just man up and go in there and get help, cause I'm taking that path in my mind again, and it's heading further down than it has before.

This may explain my complete detachment from people and feelings. It's like I'm here out of the circle of existence and merely an observer of others' lives. It's like my life is not real and I could disappear at anytime.

Is it not ok that when I lie I follow through with everything, so much so that I almost forget myself that I am in fact lying? Like today.

It's getting late and if I want my Monday to not feel like complete shit I should go sleep soon. I think I'll take my bike to school, my parents aren't here to nag and I don't have any activities after school tomorrow. It'll be nice, I think.
It's a bit boring without my parents, but I think I like it better, I'm don't have as much "about to have a bloody panic attack" moments now. I'm a lot calmer when I'm left alone like this, although that might not necessarily be a good thing, because it also means I cannot be fucked to do any homework or study for anything. e.g. The math test last friday that I'm pretty sure I colossally fucked up.

I don't have much problems with living alone, except I leave things all over the place. I should get an apartment when I live alone. I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm fine with cooking and grocery shopping for myself, I turn the tv on for sound so it doesn't seem too quite to work and everything is fine.

I could go on but this post is probably pretty pointless.

Fleeting bonds

Friendship seems like quite a volatile thing, especially here, where people drift between each other, only stopping over for mere weeks or months. I'm not sure if the friends I have now will last, which makes me a bit sad, because I quite like them and the way we fit together. We have all our little customs no one really started, but they just naturally became habits, like lunch outside and where we go at break. The seasons are changing, and people are changing, I'm not sure how long this can last. It's been a while since I've sunk deep into the warped well of depression, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been there. I'm still struggling to stop forgetting things and leaving things out because they don't seen like they matter when I'm at home, or because I think I could die any second and what's the point. That problem is still quite prominent, maybe even more so, this week. It is these friends I guess which sort of muffled out the screeching insanity that was chug-chug-chugging my way on the railroad to hell. so I can ignore it, maybe it's even slowed down, I'm not sure.

Just watching people drift to each other, then away, completely hating each other after. I wonder if that might happen to me. I'm not accustomed to this, I'm used to the same people, the same personalities, for years at a time. I've already drifted from one group, mostly because they're a bit dull to be honest, and I can't settle for dull, boring or safe right now. I hope these times keep up or get better.

This week has been quite bad, to say the least, I just want it to end.

fizzle and burn

Well at least I did my homework before doing this.

I don't really think half the things I do through, e.g. I spent half an hour setting things on fire in the bathroom and putting them in a wet mug to fizzle out. Now my hair smells like smoke and so does the bathroom. Today went pretty slowly though.

I was thinking about the times where the world just goes too fast for you. Like you're barely moving and everyone's moving on. People talk but you can't understand, you try but everything is muffled and you don't catch words, just sounds. Everything is just lights and sounds. You just want everything to slow down, to stop completely even, just so you can get back in. So you can spin the same speed. Then there comes those times everything is moving painfully slowly, not because their boring or embarrassing. Just because. It feels like you're lunging forward, but nothing's moving with you and you're trapped. The nervousness builds and the anxiety follows but you can't explain why, and you're heart beats faster while everyone else's doesn't. Your head races too, and sometimes there's even a buzzing in your ear,you try to slow down and catch words, movements, anything, but you always miss, because you're reaching too early. It's either one or the other most of the time for me. All I am is this lone being, detached from a universe where everything is connected. It's hard to illustrate these feelings, this feeling of isolation even, with full knowledge that there are people that feel the same or at least similar.

The world is spinning too slow now, and I am lunging forward at nothing.

I don't really care if people know what my tumblr url is anymore. so...
 http://bruce-bayne.tumblr.com/
it's not like I'll be making personal posts anymore, that ship sailed when people from my current school found out my url.

procrastination rules the nation

I'm really supposed to be watching The Kite Runner while doing Add Math right now, but noooooo. I know I always say that I'd rather read the book first then watch the movie, but there is no time for that. I'm a slow reader and I need to have this book review out in 3 days and in Chinese nonetheless. I'm already reading the english one, cause fat hope getting me to finish the chinese version in 2 weeks. I also have a dentist appointment in about 30mins and this really is messing up my work schedule, but it isn't like I stick to it anyway. Well just checking my homework calender and there is so much stuff to do, and that probably is only about half of it since I forget to write down anything most of the time. God save me. All I've been doing this week is going on IA, eating after IA, going for a sleepover, drinking alone, wasting time on tumblr while my parents are home. HELP ME. My room looks like shit and nothing makes me want to do any work or even practice on the drums or learn new songs on the guitar. I NEED A REASON TO LIVE.

I kinda always wished my 17th birthday would be spent at the underwater world in sentosa, because that was where I spent my 7th birthday. I guess that's not happening next year.

So I'm not home alone anymore, my parents came back tonight. Well I really wasn't home alone much this time, because I went over to Alex's for a sleepover. I like sleepovers, if they're good, you always ended up talking about things when it gets late, and you get to know people better and you hear good stories all around. Plus you have lots of fun when you play games like blind clothes roulette (which is what I will call it) and you see a guy is tight revealing knitted tops on top of other tops and cardigans and jeggings. So that night was definitely fun and I feel a bit more trusting to these people, I dunno, maybe after more time I may be able to talk about proper feelings I have to them instead of just listening to theirs and trying to help them. Maybe I could let people help me someday. I'm a bit too guarded for that right now, maybe in time I won't be. I'm not sure, I am trying to let go a bit. I like the friends I have now, there isn't much bitch drama and it isn't completely safe and boring. (not to offend anyone but the people I used to hang out with more often were boring, and way too easily taken aback, like why can't I make sex jokes?) I think I can start to settle in a bit more and stop drifting to the dark as often. I think I can be a little bit optimistic now.

camping is (not so) fun.

I just got back from my silver IA practise trip, which mostly was kayaking and camping and fucking up your entire digestive system and chafing your bum and getting bad tan lines and sunburns. Well it surprisingly wasn't complete hell like the last trip to yaolin for the bronze practise, sometimes being a pessimist makes things turn out a lot better in comparison. I also found out that people don't turn out the way you think they are all the time (well I already knew that) but sometimes they turn out better than what you perceive them to be. Which is, of course, a nice surprise that you can't tell anyone because they would think you're a judgmental bitch.
Well other than (pardon my explicitness) not taking a shit for 4 whole days, nothing went particulary wrong, except I didn't like the guide I got cause she always makes you think you're making bad decisions, (I fucking hate it when people do that, it actually makes me want to punch them in the face - which is what 6 to 7 year old me would do, but maybe not in the face)
I was in the all girls group cause there were only a handful of girls this year. The boys colossally fucked up, and we would have been the only group to pass if this were the real trip. One of the boys groups didn't even bring gas, so they wouldn't have been able to cook any dinner if it wasn't for us, we also gave them food among other things, because one of them forgot to bring the bread. The other boys group also failed for various other reasons.  So I'd rather proud of my group, and I got to know people from my year I wouldn't normally talk to, so that was nice. I still feel like the awkward out of place one all of the time, but well, at least there was interaction with other people.

I'm currently home alone for today, tomorrow and most of thursday, so I'm going for a barbeque at Alex's house and sleeping over. I should pack but really I'm too fucking tired to do anything. I just spent to whole time back drinking starbucks, eating a massive burger with sweet potato fries and a ceaser salad on my own. Then drinking (alcohol) and watching Dexter. (I really need to not get into the habit of drinking alone) the first episode of season 7 WAS FUCKING INTENSE. I am so excited for this season.