BoJack Horseman "It's you" (HD)

Bojack Horseman is truly a show unlike any other. Aside from the unique anamorphic style this show and its oversaturated colour palette has such a wealth of understanding of life and all its layers.


This nub of a post has been sitting in my drafts for months, I might as well post it. Bojack Horseman is just a good show. If I went into further details I would be spending too much time here. 

Amsterdam

I haven't written here in ages, probably because of university, and maybe a little because I usually come here when I'm feeling down to vent and I usually just go to tumblr or twitter for giving short snippets of my opinion.

 I thought I'd change it up instead and tell you about my trip to Amsterdam. I've really just fallen in love with the city. It's so beautiful and still, but never is a boring way (lets not forget the whafts of weed you get ever so often). The arichitecture, the canals and just the vibes you get from this city are wonderful . It was so nice to have such a quiet and collected public transport system that runs 24/7, and a bit odd to have nights out be so calm and have almost no one hollering down the streets drunk at 9:30pm (thanks for that England, you're great, I just needed a break). Honestly, you could really just aimlessly walk around Amsterdam and have a great time just taking in how everything looks, trying out nice cafes and going to museums.

Speaking of museums, I was so happy about getting to go to see Van Gogh because he's one of my favourite artists. I'd highly recommend it. Most people know Van Gogh for some of his later work like Starry Night or one of my favourites of all time: Almond Blossoms, but the museum really takes you through his development as an artist. From when he first decided to become one, and started practising and learning through his development through other artists' influences; pieces that influenced him and that he influenced are also included, and its just so nice to see the wide, interconnected web of artist on artist that spreads out through time and place and runs through into our everday lives.  A lot of other things from Van Gogh's life are also displayed, like his correspondence with Theo - his brother, best friend and confidant, and Theo's widow's journey to make Van Gogh's work known. The world would have missed out on him if it wasn't for Johanna -  she was a boss as bitch tbh, check her out.  I feel like I am so attracted to Van Gogh's work just because I find a solidarity with who he is as a person, as from what we know he comes across as a fervid observer of life that wanted so badly to be a part of all that is beautiful in it, love, companionship and art in everything, but someone found it difficult to fully integrate himself into every aspect of it, struggling to accept that as he dealt with mental illness.

   We went on a paddle boat ride, which is extremely touristy but what the hell we were tourist and it really is such a nice way to see the city, especially in nice weather. We had sun and it wasn't too cold and it takes just over an hour to see so much and you can plan your own route. I'd recommend it over hop-on hop-off tours on larger boats, just because the canals are small and you really don't need a larger boat with all the windos and roofs that stop you from seeing all of what's in front of you.

A lot of the time we did just spend in our airbnb just chilling out together. We cooked dinners and made breakfasts and just talked (over some really tragic wine one of the nights), it was really nice. we hadn't really had the time to be together in ages and wow, I miss my friends from school so much. It makes me so sad to think that all of us could never all be together in the same place again because we're all over the world and on different schedules and I'm such a sentimental person, its so hard to let go.

Anyway, we spent our last night at The 1975, and wow good thing I brought my chunky heeled boots, because everyone is

so much taller here and I woud have not been able to see anything if I didn't. This was my second time seeing them, and it was such a different but equally amazing experience as the first. Their tour for the self-titled album had stage and lights set up to make everything look pretty greyscale - like the album aesthetic. This one had the most amazing stage set up with black drop and light box changing for every song to look like a city, or a wall of noise or just a display of neon wonder. Matty was definitely stoned, probably a little drunk as well but it made for such entertaining little quips and talks between songs. At one point he alternated between affectedly telling everyone to applaud more and then saying "ohhh stop it guys", it was adorable. They played If I Believe You during the encore which is one of my favourite songs on the album because of the topic and gospel infleunces, and Matty was moving like he was preaching during the chorus and it was almost a religious experience - if they had their amazing backup singers it would probably have been one. They also played Me, which always makes me incredibly emotional, because Matty always tells everyone to put their phones away right before this one and its just a song that dredges up so many feelings.

We had pancakes and just strolled around the city center for our last morning. Caught the pillow fight in Dam square which was fun and there was the most adorable dog there that was just tearing up pillows and play-chasing with everyone that wanted to play with him. It was such a warm note to leave on. I want to be back in the city again soon.

I only hope this place grows on me like the previous on did. I started with hating shanghai to missing it and all the people I met in it; I only hope it turns out the same here. It feels so different though, I feel so out of place, I guess I did when I first moved to shanghai as well. But then again the forced independence is leaving me reeling, its not that I lack the practical ability to take care of myself, I can cook, and budget and travel, its just the social aspect that has me in tatters and begins to effect everything around me including my ability to pay attention and study effectively. Its all very overwhelming, but so many others seem to be coping just fine and I wonder if its because I am, in some way, a broken individual.

I know I've done absolutely terribly for collections, aside from stats which went alright I guess. I only hope the further meetings regarding it don't involved someone going along the lines of 'what's wrong with you?' like my last bad academic meetings that triggered one of my worse anxiety attacks - it was especially bad to have almost a full day of school ahead of me as it happened, and a test as well, which I tanked. Thinking about those meetings now will only leave me feeling worse though, I guess I'll try to focus on crossing that bridge when I come to it.

I came here knowing I couldn't do this and just let my weak-self get talked into some name-based bullshit decision that didn't have my best interest in consideration at all. Now I don't know if I can find a way out that leaves me in a livable state.

again, it begins.

twisting stomach
burning throat
taste, swallow
don't spit

vice grip
vacant pit
sratch skin
don't bleed

trembling legs
pounding heart
keep pace
don't trip

lock jaw
silent space
speak now
don't plead

Did you hold on tight enough when you felt it slipping through your fingers?

The tranquility of kindness fades so fast

The lightning speed of time

Here it goes again

Off to the other side

Never for you to hold again

One time and another, off to someone else

It slipped so fast, out and away, like water through the gaps in your hands.

And so come the waves of guilt for what I could be doing and should be doing; what everyone else is doing and what I am not; how much everyone else is trying and it feels like I'm not; how if this ends badly I will be at fault; and how if this ends well I'll feel guilty for not doing as much as everyone else still...