Breakfast at Tiffany's

I've just finished reading Breakfast At Tiffany's by Truman Capote and I would say I like both the movie and the book equally but only because Audrey Hepburn has unrivalled charm. If I were to speak my opinion based on the storyline alone, I would pick the book, because the story told in the book has a more realistic ending, and there are various quotes I quite like which aren't given justice in the film. About the more realistic approach in the book (spoilers) it is clear that the narrator does not end up with Holly from the very beginning, but it's not sad that he doesn't either because they were together not really as lovers and not completely friends either, but there was some enjoyment in the process of being aqquainted. And all things have to end one way or another, and this on ended with holly being holly and going off to find somewhere better for her in her eyes. They drifted apart, which would be expected as holly is barely responsible for most things.

However you do still wish you knew how she ended up, the way you wish you knew what was going on with friends you had years ago and that's why I appreciate this book.

Lonesome?

I used to dislike that fact that I never have anyone to go out with, but I've come to accept and even revel in it. I like going out on my own and just strolling, stopping when I want to eat or drink, or maybe browse the shops. I enjoy eating alone with a good book or a TV show I enjoy to accompany me, it's all very relaxing and a very good distraction. There is no stress to continue a conversation or to make sure the person i am with is entertained or pleased. There is only me. I like the notion of no one knowing exactly where I am for hours, it gives me a certain sense of freedom that disappears when I step back through doors and meet people I am acquainted (or supposed to be aquainted) with.

Why must there be a reason, besides the fact that i want to, for me to go out?

Why do I have to go out to eat with someone?

Why do I need someone to go to the movies with me?

Sometimes the fact that I am always better by myself rather than with other people makes me feel less like a human being. (aren't we supposed to be social beings?) However, I'd rather not dwell on that.

Trapped

Well it has become clear to me that I don't want to work an office job like the one I'm interning for right now. Everything feels so impersonal and pointless here. Instead of walking over to talk to your colleague who is barely 5 feet away, you call them through intercom. I don't know how these people stand doing the same things, looking at the same places, all day, everyday. I can barely stand it and I'm only half way through. Some of them have been working for decades. 

I don't want to settle, I don't want to do the same thing everyday for years and years. I can't deal with that, it would drive me crazy. 

Honestly I would rather die.

Mistake.

This day is going to slowly, I want to hang myself in the bathroom.

Why did I sign myself up for this?

This day is going to slowly, I want to hang myself in the bathroom.

words.

There are a lot of things I wish to say to a lot of people, but it usually doesn't feel right to tell them those things because of the most part I do not have relationships where it is comfortable to discuss those opinions. Those opinions mostly aren't bad at all, they are just things I want to say, maybe I want to tell you that it is ok and that sometimes I've been in that place where you feel the way you do, or maybe I want to tell you that I could be here to listen if you wanted me to, or maybe I want to thank you for something or another. The problems is, I can never bring myself to say these things because there never is a moment, this probably why I've been writing my shitty poetry more often now. However I don't want beat myself up about this, because it won't make it better, I'll just settle for thinking that right now I do not have the courage or the drive to take the next step, maybe I'll find that courage later, maybe just in time (that would be great) or maybe too late (that wouldn't be that great, but at least I can say I found my courage).

So right now I just keep scrawling words or paper, and hope nobody reads.

Stranded

I don't want to be anywhere I am, but I have nowhere in particular I'd rather be.

Now I feel like nothing but an empty shell, a simple spectator to my own life.

grown

The very fact that all of my relatives (including my parents) think I have grown taller every time I see them, even though I haven't grown in 3 years, proves that no one is excepting the fact that I am growing up.

I wish I had someone, but then again I'm not good with anyone.

who.

I put on a different mask for different occasions
which one do I truly adopt?
Not even I know.

Bad girl

I am secretly the worst child ever, because I hate being with my parents, all I have been is with them without the buffer of my brother for over 2 years now and I was sick of it by the first months. I am just another buffer between my parents, the one with better grades, but not as talented. I loathe living with any family (except my brother, because we don't really get in each other's way unless there are things to be done together, however he did piss me off for making us late for Man Of Steel because watching movies is very important to me.) because there are all these expectations, keep in contact, call them, eat with them, talk to them. Well it is endlessly difficult to talk to them considering half the time it's just me listening, nodding and agreeing while thinking about other things, or just me sitting in silence and making eye contact but looking right through them. In addition, I am awkward with everybody, and I mean everybody, even my mom, my dad (and these are people I have lived with my whole life), everyone, so it is very difficult and I detest it. Adding salt to the wound, I hate phone calls, it takes immense courage for me to pick up the phone and call someone, because I'm not a big talker, I can write to you or type to you, but talk (haha), no.

I have a feeling, that if I do go away for university, I'll call less than my brother does, and give away much less information, not because I will be up to bad things, but simply because I like my alone time, I like roaming and knowing no one really knows where I am (there is a certain sense of freedom with that.) or what time I intend to return home. I enjoy eating alone, reading alone and watching movies alone. Funny how my parents seem to think I am the more "responsible" one, because once that leash is untied, I will probably be further gone than anyone else.

This all sounds very selfish and self-centered, don't think I do not realise this, but the very feeling of being tied to people sometimes makes me feel choked and suffocated; I think I want to get out, get away, but I might just as well regret all of these thoughts and opinions when things begin to go this way.

We are all hypocrites, aren't we?