sometimes I try to grasp at my thoughts

It's late and I've just finished reading The Fault In Ours Stars and I am in quite a melancholy mood. (I also finished reading the hobbit today, so I am quite proud of the two books in one day thing, however that pride is again out weighed by my lack or revision for my impending exams)

Well, I was just thinking about that moment when you just wake up, and you don't quite know where you are, or what day it is. I like those moments, mostly. It gives me a few seconds a day to be in another reality. Sometimes I think I'll wake up in the bed I've slept in from the age of 3 to 14, that I'll be in my old house and see the pictures of my brother as a baby on the wall. I wasn't completely happy then but things were simpler and I had a lot more freedom than I do now, for some absurd reason. Sometimes I wake up and I'm utterly confused as to where I am, but the blankness of my mind is comforting because for however short that moment is I have no past and no present, and no worries. Sometimes I wake up and I feel physically smaller, like I am 7 again. Those times, for the seconds they last, are nice too because when you're 7 most things are easier, even though all you want to do is grow up and the person you hate the most is your annoying older brother. Well I did hate my brother for most of my childhood, I hated him and I loved him all the same, because even though he was annoying and rude, and called me fat all the time, I had fun with him too. The fake fights (that quite often turned into real fights), the made up stories with our own host of made up characters that were completely ridiculous and offensively gory for a couple of kids. Its so much easier to live with someone you hate on the surface but ultimately love, its easier to live with someone you can have fun with. It's so much harder to live with someone you hate so much, with someone you cannot accept or forgive for anything. It is so difficult, because you cannot push this person away, because they're always there and you see all their flaws, and all their mistakes. It is most difficult to live with yourself.

pendulum swings

There is distinctly something wrong with me and I don't even know how to begin fixing it. I've been turning to locking myself in the closet and falling asleep there more often when the anxiety builds up and that just makes me feel worse after even though it calms me down at that moment. All I am doing is wasting time. I haven't done close of half of the revision I was supposed to do and there are only about 7 days left. I don't know whether the anxiety is from that or if its because everyday I realise, more and more, that I want to be as far away from my dad as possible. Because he is so fucking negative about everything, I can't hold conversations with him, he gets angry about the smallest things and all the time he blames everything on god or just the fucking date, or my mom, and I can't even fucking take it anymore. All this negativity is not what I need now, because I have been quite suicidal for almost 4 years and its been the worst these two years and honestly if this keeps on going I think I might actually try something again and maybe succeed this time.

I cannot handle myself anymore, I can't concentrate, sitting still to study just drives me nuts, and sometimes I feel physically sick or just completely drained of energy even though I've slept a ridiculously normal amount of time. I think I am going to screw up, because of all this, and really I have no one else to blame except myself. Because all this is me not getting my shit together, its me letting everything around me get to me, and its me having zero self control. All this is me not getting a fucking grip and letting things slip away, letting time slip away, and only regretting later on.

I think I might need someone to tell me to get the fuck off the internet and study like every twenty minutes, cause that is actually how much self control I lack. Today I stayed home and I did less than 45mins of studying and that was only for one subject. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST SLAP ME ON THE FACE AND ASK ME TO GET A GRIP.

Today was nice, nothing much happened, but it was just one of those days that was pretty slow but just the right pace to keep up with. I woke up at 4am to catch the flight to hong kong, then we just had lunch at this really great dim sum place once we checked in. Then we just walked around the area in malls and window shopped for a bit.

Well I did feel a bit sick today cause my stomach acted up, being the bitch that she is, but it went away cause I didn't eat much for dinner, and was pretty calm about it.

Tonight was nice, because my parents met up with their friend who they've known for like a quarter of a century, and he's really nice, and they just talked about things. It wasn't converstations I could really take part in but I was fine with listening and just being there, cause it wasn't painfully boring, cause they talked about genuine problems and genuine opinions. Dad got a little bit drunk I think, that's why he was a lot more calm tonight. I forgot to bring my room card out of the room and was technically locked out, and it was late, usually he would have just have gotten really mad, but he just was like "I'll bring her down to get another one" and he didn't lose his temper and it was nice cause we could actually talk (not about proper things because I never get into deep things with my family) but just a general chat and we all went to bed just calm. (well I'm not really in bed yet, but you get the idea).

sometimes nice days like this make me feel a little worse about myself, because I just see how ungrateful I am about everything and how I don't really deserve these days anymore.

What do I do now? I spent and hour hiding in the closet from nothing, just because I needed a small dark space to calm down, and I fell asleep. This has been happening more often, and I really have to get my shit together and study for these exams. god damn it.

I was just thinking about how absolutely shit my 16th birthday was. I did nothing, its was so boring, possibly because all I wanted to do shoot myself in the face and bleed on the bathroom floor. Just...I don't know all that is coming back again, and I think I might try drown myself again this holidays. Joy.

This month has just started out with me wanting to die all the fucking time and just generally really thinking of ways to kill myself again. just...I don't know anymore I want to give up on everything and I feel like I've already failed in life.

I don't know what to do, and that's the state I seem to be in all the time. I don't want to try for anything anymore, and all I want is for this week of school to be over. At the same time I wish the world would actually end in December, but really, that isn't going to happen.

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am going to die alone and soon because I'm probably going to kill myself when I make the mistake of doing the wrong thing with my life and seeing all my hopes and dreams slip away.