For quite a while I have been trying to come to a conclusion to where I belong, and always coming up empty. Well it used to be that I just didn't feel I belonged with my friends, but no the whole act of being displaced as amplified the feeling of not belonging.
I don't feel like I belong where I came from, because every time I go back I notice things aren't the same and I feel that gradually I'm going to lose touch with it all. I don't belong where I am right now either because I was just placed here, 14 years after I was born, so I'm never really going to fit into this either. Sometimes this makes me feel extremely lost, but it's one of those things I always shove to the back of my mind all the time, and it only ever resurfaces when I am alone. Being from a typically asian culture and dropped into this sort of pseudo-western culture adds on to the very feeling of being this stand-alone no matter where I go.
Well I can look at it and weep but why? I have enough things to cry about, sure it makes me feel anxious and lonely sometimes, but I just have to remind myself on how each placed has shaped me a little bit hither and tither. I can't really call anywhere home now can I? But I guess that's okay for now.
Saturday 26 October 2013
Monday 21 October 2013
Sometimes I think about how utterly ridiculous for me to feel guilty about enjoying taking Film because my parents wanted me to take chemistry instead. Sometimes I think about how stupid it is for me to have to avoid talking about it so I don't see the look on their faces and can predict what they're thinking. Sometimes I think about how evil it is of them to constantly try to scare me into doing what they want by talking around me (not to me) about how everyone can't get jobs, if only they saw me curled up on the floor, of the closet, in the dark.
Tuesday 15 October 2013
the art of being colossally unhappy but never deficient
The extent of which I have dreams about dying in various ways is honestly on verge of being completely ridiculously hilarious. (They are dreams because there is no fear involved, and truthfully I suppose that is the scariest part)
I'm making my own decision to do whatever the fuck it is I'm doing right now, and in a way I should be proud for not taking chemistry or economics or 'the norm' for people who get grades like me. (This is in no ways an insult to anyone taking these things, you know what you are going to do with those things maybe, but I sure as hell don't) I might as well do whatever it is I peak interest in and go from there (after all I always have plan B, and the less supportive my parents are and the more I am apart from people the easier it gets to use plan B.) I'm positively sick of how my parents constantly tack-team to try and get me doing things that they think will make me 'successful', and it's disgusting that they completely disregard how much anxiety all of the shit they do gives me. I would like to thank my mother a great deal for brushing of my mentioning of waking up in the middle of the night because of fucking anxiety attacks (that took a lot to fucking admit, so really thanks for not even trying to say anything and just asking 'what is wrong with you' in your condescending as fuck tone, you won't even remember any of this but I always remember all this shit.)
The most ridiculous thing about my family is we can never go to each other for any form of emotional support. I can only discuss serious career choice matters with my father, and mother (with the addition of the occasional jokes with my mother), and they will never discuss any of their feelings with me (other than my father openly brandishing his anger and pessimism which I have adopted in many ways - you don't have to fucking tell me mum, I know what I am) In addition, all this absence makes the heart grown fonder crap is working for my brother and I because he has turned out to be the person in my family I like the most, but I can never discuss anything with him because, hell, we've never ever discussed any of our feelings ever. I can't tell him anything about knowing any of his emotional struggles and I can't bring myself to tell him about any of mine. So I can foresee my family going to absolute shit as time goes by, and honestly I am so bitter and angry all the time I do very little to stop it. I just go about my daily routine of hiding all of my feelings and getting through things day by day.
I'm making my own decision to do whatever the fuck it is I'm doing right now, and in a way I should be proud for not taking chemistry or economics or 'the norm' for people who get grades like me. (This is in no ways an insult to anyone taking these things, you know what you are going to do with those things maybe, but I sure as hell don't) I might as well do whatever it is I peak interest in and go from there (after all I always have plan B, and the less supportive my parents are and the more I am apart from people the easier it gets to use plan B.) I'm positively sick of how my parents constantly tack-team to try and get me doing things that they think will make me 'successful', and it's disgusting that they completely disregard how much anxiety all of the shit they do gives me. I would like to thank my mother a great deal for brushing of my mentioning of waking up in the middle of the night because of fucking anxiety attacks (that took a lot to fucking admit, so really thanks for not even trying to say anything and just asking 'what is wrong with you' in your condescending as fuck tone, you won't even remember any of this but I always remember all this shit.)
The most ridiculous thing about my family is we can never go to each other for any form of emotional support. I can only discuss serious career choice matters with my father, and mother (with the addition of the occasional jokes with my mother), and they will never discuss any of their feelings with me (other than my father openly brandishing his anger and pessimism which I have adopted in many ways - you don't have to fucking tell me mum, I know what I am) In addition, all this absence makes the heart grown fonder crap is working for my brother and I because he has turned out to be the person in my family I like the most, but I can never discuss anything with him because, hell, we've never ever discussed any of our feelings ever. I can't tell him anything about knowing any of his emotional struggles and I can't bring myself to tell him about any of mine. So I can foresee my family going to absolute shit as time goes by, and honestly I am so bitter and angry all the time I do very little to stop it. I just go about my daily routine of hiding all of my feelings and getting through things day by day.
Sunday 13 October 2013
afraid
I am eternally bound by the limits of my fears, they are fervid, fierce and grow stronger everday.
They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.
Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.
They were suppressed for a day or two when I was coming to terms with the choices I have made and trying to be supportive of myself, but in came the swooping words of 'advice and reason' from the people who believe to see the 'whole picture'. They remind me constantly that my idealistic choices will get me nowhere and I am doing all the wrong things - the anxiety builds. They remind me incessantly of the lack of career and success I am heading for - so the fear consumes. It is now here to stay, the internal pit, widening it's reach with every hour it steeps. I do not know how to leave it all behind so I just trudge on with the weight on my shoulders.
Make it stop, please, but only I can. However, I cannot bring myself to push it all aside, I do not feel I have to strength to and every minute I give in I grow weaker. It is only a matter of time before the wave pulls me completely, and I drown in the dark sea I so wish to escape.
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