normal

What is normal? Because right now it is almost typical to be a socially awkward, depressed and overworked teenager. That shouldn't be right. We shouldn't have the norm being a bunch of people who are almost still kids and barely adults constantly fighting with themselves and everything else. We shouldn't have these people planning their deaths when their lives have barely began. We shouldn't have these people giving up on everything. What kind of society are we in that so many people have suicidal depression, and eating disorders, not to mention attempted suicide.

We were barely happier as children. At least I was a better person back then, I could talk your face off and talk some more and people wouldn't constantly tell me to be quiet, now I barely put my thoughts out and I can never hold a decent conversation. I used to think I could be better, now I just put myself down and don't bother anymore.

What's the point in excelling academically if I am completely miserable with myself. I am forced fed this information that I am somehow good at regurgitating, but this doesn't make me feel smart or better than people, because I can always find things that other people are better than me at. This is what I do constantly, I compare and contrast till I come to the conclusion that you are in fact better than me, in whatever way, and I leave it at that.

Is this the norm now? Cause it is the fucking worst.

I am still not okay with the fact that My Chemical Romance are no longer a band.

They were my first favourite band, ever. I've been listening to them since I was 7 or 8 (when Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge came out), thanks to my brother, and they've just been there ever since. They've been there for more than half my life and all of a sudden they're just gone. I never got to see them live, it's been something I've wanted to do ever since I started listening to them.

I don't know how to describe this feeling accurately, because this band and their music has taken me through so much and the fact that they're no longer going to be making the music that got me through everything just breaks my heart. The simple truth is that they are moving on in a way, and I hate it when we have to move on, I am constantly trying to hang on to everything, like when I refused to plan anything for my birthday because I refused to accept I had spent another year here, or that I was getting older. Now when I'm desperately trying to hold on to my childhood, another huge part of it just slips away.

I wanted to seem them live just once, and be there with Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray, and maybe thank them for taking me through my childhood. They reminded me I was not alone no matter how alone I felt, and that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I do. They were one of the bands my brother and I got to bond over. They were there all the time.

I don't want to let go just yet.

Recently I got a certificate telling me I was 3rd in the level for academics. That didn't please me or motivate me, because I hadn't been trying at all. Well, now I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but honestly, I don't feel a sense of achievement if I haven't actually tried. This just got me thinking again about how unfair the world is, I get recognition for putting close to zero effort into something, and someone else who has been trying extremely hard but is still getting Cs or Bs gets no pat on the pack or encouragement.

It angers me that I always end up good at things I don't really want to try at, but am absolute rubbish at things I really put so much effort into. It angers me that things I try at get taken away from me.

I'm not saying I don't want to be good at getting great grades (this is always a plus) but it seems to be getting in the way for some reason. This is probably because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and getting As in everything does not help me eliminate any choices. (now I sound even more like a ungrateful bitch)  Looking at my IB options again, I have completely disregarded everything I am doing at IGCSE, I am not taking Economics or Geography (both of which I am getting A* in) I am instead taking psychology. I am not taking chemistry or physics ( I am taking film, because I genuinely love film and really want to make movies that let people feel and experience things they could not experience themselves, or show them that they aren't the only people who feel this way) but what if I am not making the right choice. Because I honestly have no idea if I could be any good at film, and no one believes in me.

I hope I can turn out being good at something I genuinely try at and genuinely like.

limbo

I haven't updated in a while and its mostly because I can't quite sort out my feelings. Right now, it is almost like I am in a state of limbo (not quite as depressed as before, but not happy either) and I don't know if it's because the stress of the exams getting closer is phasing out everything or just because I am getting slightly less suicidal than before. I am happier with the group of friends that I currently have because they are hilarious, great people. However, I am not sure whether I am just happy when I am physically with these people or more than just that.

It's a little (quite) confusing.

I'm also on the fence about my IB options. As of now I've chosen
English & Literature     SL
Spanish Ab                    SL
Biology                         HL
Psychology                   HL
Math                             HL
Film                              HL

yes, I have chosen 4 higher levels, but that is only because I am going to find out if I can cope with Higher Level Math. Which apparently is killer. ( I am not even really coping with Additional Math right now) I took Film because I really want to take film, and film is something I am genuinely interested in and, if I am good enough, want to make a career out of. I know it sounds like such a ridiculous thing to aim for, but I am so many things to say about film and I have never ever been as interested in something as I am in film. Movies are amazing, form the beauty in cinematography to the emotions they bring and the special feelings and significance they have in people's lives. I honestly want to be a part of that. At the same time, choosing film also means I can't do chemistry, which (btw my parents are very upset about this) it a good fallback on, as it basically gives me the general high paying job options. (chemical engineering, medicine, etc)

I hope I've made the right choice, every time someone asks me "why film?" I doubt myself a little, but I want to tell them all the things movies bring me and what I hope I can bring to others, without seeming to have a foolish, childish dream.