To a(ny) friend in the dark:

Are you sad when you smile?

Does your stomach turn in the lonely dark

Of your own making?

Surrounded by the walls built with

The distance you've made but not chosen 

It's okay, I know it's not all you

It's just the darkness in your mind 

That fills your heart sometimes and 

Holds you down sometimes

I know it feels like all the time.

Breathe, you don't have to give in

I'll hold on if you do so too

I'll search for light if you do so too.

[written 13 August 2014]

Despondency

It is the deep dark undercurrent
Always there by my feet,
Constant and cold.

Then the black wave comes
Heavy and overbearing, it hits hard and harsh
I am down, beneath the surface.
I cannot breathe
Again.

Or I am stuck in the riptide
Of luke warm and cutting chill.
I swim hard, but make no progress.
I am trapped
Again.

Then I give in to the icy torrent
I feel my skin and realise
I am as cold as the gelid sea,
My insides as dark as the immense black wave
And there is a familiar solace in the darkness
Unseen by others.

Warmth is foreign, unfamiliar
The light is too bright with the sun out.
I turn my head away, I don't know how to
Take it in.

I tread, I tread
I tread
Again.

Faded Fears

Faded fears are what I don't possess. I was never a child that was afraid of the dark or the monsters in my closet. I have, however, always been afraid of speaking, when it mattered, to the people who mattered. I am still afraid of failing and falling in every sense of those words; I am still afraid that if I start something I won't be good at it, and so I run away and remain afraid that if I run away I might be leaving something that I might be good at behind. I am still afraid of crying in public, I always fear it will make me look weak, it makes me feel weak. I am afraid of not finding something to live for. I am afraid of being this lonely forever. I am still afraid of showing myself, exposing the flaws I possess, both physically and mentally. I am afraid that I will not be able to love anyone; I am afraid that no one will love me. I am afraid I will never find a place where I am happy; I am afraid I cannot be a place where someone is happy. I am afraid I will never a be a person I can be proud of. I am still afraid of the things I cannot do.