Running away from people and things, falling into the seduction of vapid darkness and the comfort of nothingness. This is how I pace fourth.

It's so hard for me to talk about my feelings to anyone, and it's even worse when they seem indefinite. I can't tell anyone any speculations I have about my personal feelings and I can never bring someone in to help me unravel the tangles; I sometimes just lie to make it more concretely categorised when I myself am entirely unsure...it fucking sucks sometimes how I can't bring myself to tell people about things that are emotionally important to me.

Recently, I've been thinking about how lonely it is and how the chances of me remaining lonely are extremely high, and just more things have happened that just make me think about this consistently and constantly.

I think about 'why' and I realised I'm an entirely emotionally inaccessible person, I cannot bring myself to show deep emotionally connections in public because I fear being vulnerable, so much so that I think I appear to be less than interested in many things I love entirely, or hate with passion. I realise that this makes me so much less of a person that one can comprehend, and really it's so hard to love someone you don't know... I find it so hard to be truthful about everything and open about anything because all I think about is how I am horrible at keeping my friends and that someday they are going to drift away and there's going be this person out there that knows things about me that I can't bring myself to tell anyone else, and I don't know why this bothers me so much... maybe I'm just terrible at speaking about my feelings because my family has never really been one to deal with our emotions, or maybe its just me. I am rude a lot of the time too and I never know what to say face to face. Also, most of the time I never give in to my feelings (other than for food because I am a sucker to short term satisfaction in that respect). Plus, if I'm going to be honest about it, I am not attractive enough for anyone to overlook all my shit.

Well, this sort of makes sense I guess...

Well the thing about life is that sometimes you're going to fall apart, some swooping wave of shit is going to come along and knock over the castle in the sand you've spent ages on. Sometimes there will be people there to help you rebuild your castle and everything will go a lot easier - it won't necessarily be easy, but it sure beats doing it alone. Other times there's going to be no one there to help, or simply no one noticing your castle getting swept away, and if you cannot bring yourself to reach for someone else, or if there is no one to reach for, you just have to suck it up and get your hands right back in the sand and start building again, because if you don't put in something, no one is going to do it all for you.

swim

It isn't simply because this system is bad and flawed or that it's only excuse for being so overwhelming is that other people have done it before so everyone else should be able to as well; it is because I have been in the deep dark end since long before with several hands holding me down and now this is yet another hand forcing my head underwater and I don't know how long I can keep treading water.

I talk too much about things I don't really want other people to listen to and they stop listening before I can bring myself to say the things I really need them to hear.

What a terrible alliance I have formed with the silence; I cannot breach the void and the hard cement only ever closes in and I remain within the crawl space searching for comfort in darkness, afraid of anything foreign, afraid of sound and light.

Silence of the mind 
Could be the best thing of all
A silence that eliminates
All the chaos and flaws
Silence that brings peace
Like a cool ocean breeze
but silence in itself cannot
Thaw the freeze
Silence with no whisper
To encompass it all
Silence that unraveling of
Thoughts into a void
The silence that I hope for
Cannot be achieved
without the exchange of
Something tremendous

                                       A silence of the mind
Could be the worst thing of all.

[written 3rd June 2013]