The sun is shining;
The sky is blue;
The food is good;
The company is decent;

Everything is terrible.

[written 20 December 2013]

locked in

A lot of the time I think about how limited everyone's perception of the world is; we can only experience our single life through our eyes, our skin, our nose, our ears. Everything only belongs to one person, and we can only truly feel this one person's emotions. How are we as individuals to know what it is like to be anyone else, how do we know it isn't completely different to be another person, in every sense of the word 'different'? I feel like just being me in this single life isn't enough experience of anything at all, and well it's more of a jail isn't it? We're just stuck in our own bodies, and if they get fucked up, we're fucked. It's like we're born shackled in and we can know nothing else that what it is like to be ourselves. Why do we even try to be other people, it never is going to work anyway....

percieve

I was just thinking about all the people I know and how I only ever get to see one, maybe two sides of each of them, and how they are actually so much more. It is probably such a pity that no one is ever wholly themselves in the presence of anyone else, hell I'm probably not ever being completely myself, I think there are sides of me I don't even realise exist.

sidenote: I got anxiety/stress chest pains again, I thought that was over because it hasn't happened it about a year I think, but no...and this time it was through the night to the next day, like what the hell, I do not need this.

I feel like my capability to run with the punches is greatly insufficient when compared to everyone else.

[part]

I am under the basic spell of wanting,
of wanting something that is not there
of wanting something I project.

I am under the influence of loneliness,
of loneliness that comes from within a crowd
of loneliness that comes from inside myself.

lock box

I know that I seem emotionally vapid, but it is mainly because I have developed an instinctive habit to suppress my emotions. It probably begin when I was a kid and my brother's main aim of teasing me was to see me cry and I would do my absolute best to never give him that satisfaction, and all the advice my mother gave me was 'He just wants to see you cry, don't do it'. So basically I have developed the habit of never appearing emotional in front of anyone, as I feel weak when I do so.

Well, you might think, that's not that bad, you probably do the same thing a lot of the time. However, it is profoundly frustrating because, I cannot make myself show any emotion, I can't make myself sincerely thank other people for being nice, and swallow my words when people say high to me on the street and it just comes out as some sort of whisper. Sometimes things I want to say come out in a completely different tone than I intend them to, and it gets on my nerves all the time. I just generally seemed unamused all the time, well I can be difficult to amuse, but even when people do something extremely great, like surprise me on my birthday, I can never provide a satisfactory reaction, because my first instinct is to NEVER show any emotion, and by the time I realise what I am doing, the moment has passed and I don't know how to open my lock box of emotions. I've forgotten how to retrieve to key after so many years of this, and honestly I confuse myself more than I probably confuse you.

New year (not so) new me.

Well the new year has rolled it's over-sped ass in, I was hoping it would feel longer. I just realised I will be turning 18 this year and I have literally experienced nothing of substance in my life. I have not loved, nor been loved (romantically...that is, seriously though, I am not lying when I say no one, ever, has said they liked me or had a crush on me or anything close to that, maybe I am just profoundly undesirable my the general public - but not enough to not be cat called and leered at), I have not been brave or risk taking. I also do not know how to do anything 'cool' like skateboard, or snowboard, on shred on the guitar, or dance. I have nothing really to be proud of, because I have not put my mind to anything and achieved it. I still have zero direction in life and, quite honestly, it is terrifying to be turning 18 with no direction. I'm supposed to be applying for universities by the end of this year, I don't even know what to do and it seems like all I'm doing is repeating the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I can't make myself get my shit together and start finding out, because I also feel like I'm not living, I'm not getting the chance (or taking the chance) to appreciate being young, everything is about the future and really I would like to say 'FUCK THE FUTURE' but a new year in the most recognisable evidence that the future is inevitable and I'd better be prepared for it. I can't proceed with getting rid of the toxic people in my life, because I live with them, and I'm probably the toxic person in their lives too, I just don't want to be surrounded by all this negativity for the majority of my time, I mean I already have enough of it from myself (I am no light in anyone's life).
 I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.