labyrinth of sadness

I haven't been here in a while and it's because I've been absolutely swamped in school. Our introduction to IB was basically a baptism with FIRE. I had no idea what was going on and still have no idea, it's like I've been thrown into a dodge ball court with no prior notice and am just trying to catch what I can and not get hit.

China Week was the worst ever, it wasn't bad until they sent us camping though. I've been camping before but this was THE WORST. It's was raining the whole time in "sunny Hainan" and we had already soaked tents from the group before us that smelled disgusting, tent pegs were missing and no one could get their waterproofs pull over the tent properly, needless to say, we slept in puddles of water. OH THE JOY. That wasn't the worst part of all, the worst of all was there we BED BUGS in the sleeping mats we got from the guides and even though I didn't directly sleep on them I was bitten ALL OVER my legs and by all over I mean from my ankles all the way up my thighs. If you know bed bug bites, and I hope you never do, they start itching UNBEARABLY  a few days after, so when I got home i itched through the night for a whole week, and the itching was so bad it woke me up and I barely had enough sleep. I was already tired from the whole trip and I got no rest and was thrown back into school, sleep deprived, angry, sick and itching. Also I now have SCARS ALL OVER MY LEGS, that will not go away anytime soon, because I have THE WORST SKIN, so I will be avoiding wearing shorts for years and years. (Sometimes the thought of this makes me so angry I almost cry but then I drive it to the back of my head...I will be thinking about this more in the summer) I am just SO FUCKING DONE WITH HOW THIS SCHOOL HANDLES ANYTHING. THEY COMPLETELY TRY TO DISREGARD ANYONE'S COMMENTS ON THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF THE CONDITIONS THEY PUT US IN FOR A COMPULSORY SCHOOL TRIP. Other people got bit too, and some of them had bad allergic reactions, and my friend has been sick for 3 weeks. I'm scarred the worst I think and basically this does not help my low self-esteem at all. (reason to kill myself #302)

On top of that I have been having vehement bouts of anxiety, just this morning I was awaken at 4:50am in the morning in cold sweat, feeling extremely hot and unsettled and just generally unable to pinpoint where the anxiety is from and unable to calm myself down. So yet again I continue with my inability to sleep. I don't even know what I am so anxious about anymore, it just feels like everything happening makes me feel extremely afraid. When I was barely into the first week of school, I burst out crying in my room when I couldn't get a box of floss picks open, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?

My parents basically planned a holiday without me having any say, for my mom probably because she needs to get out of the house and refuses to make an effort to make new friends so the only people she goes out with is my dad and I and IT JUST MAKES IT SO HARD TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN WHEN EVERY TIME I WANT TO GO OUT SHE MAKES IT LIKE IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL. I HAVE LESS FREEDOM HERE WHEN I'M 17 THAN WHEN I WAS 13 AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRY AND TRAPPED AND SUFFOCATED. I had to sell my The Killers tickets for this fucking trip (losing money) and I just know it's going to be filled with my dad getting mad and my mother being insensitive and without the buffer of my brother, just general suicidal thoughts ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. And the fact that I won't have this week to catch up on homework or have time for regular homework just makes me more and more anxious everyday and I am falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair and this time there is nothing to hold on to and I see everyone around me slipping too.

I time off or I'm afraid I'll try signing up for permanent time away again.

aimless

I have no idea where I am going in life and its absolutely terrifying. Everyone around me has their future jobs planned out and some of them even have plan Bs, and I'm just treading water. I'm on the fence about everything and I never know whether I'm making the right decision. I always feel guilty about every choice I make and the constant worrying is tearing me down, so much so I cannot bring myself to appreciate anything happening now.

I'm trying to plan something for my birthday, I haven't done anything like that in years mainly because I never felt the need to celebrate me dragging myself through another year. I'm not really getting anywhere with the planning, it's stressing me out too and it's not supposed to.

Why do we have to decide what we want to be for the rest of our lives now? I don't even know whether I want to live.

I need to get the worry out of my mind, it's always there, gnawing, nagging, it's just exhausting. I'm always tired now, I'm going back down to where I used to be.