My mom thinks I am joking when I make suicidal comments. I am never joking. Well, at least not anymore.

why do I even bother?

Why do I even bother being nice, or being a good person? Because it's not like I ever meet good people or have any good luck. For once in my life can something go off without a hitch. This is the first time I have ever lost something, and it had to be in this country where the police are no fucking help at all and the people are selfish and ignorant and just ASSHOLES. So what if I would return someone else's phone if I picked it up, it's not like Karma fucking exists or anything, because anything good I do is just returned to me in some form of twisted misfortune.

I lose everything, and everything fucks up. Getting down to the recent specifics, the one time I get a window of opportunity to be able to get to places by myself and have some form of independence SHIT LIKE THIS HAS TO HAPPEN, and there, the tiny window to me feeling competent in any sort of way is shut. No biking to anywhere for Nisha, not after this. I am 17 years old and I have to plan ahead for any little thing I want to do, I have to give specific times, I have to leave at those specific times, there is not window, there is no freedom. I can't drop by the store because we are out of eggs, or anything easy like that, NO I HAVE TO PLAN 5 HOURS AHEAD. I hate living here so much. You do not understand how much I value being able to get myself somewhere on my own accord, I like taking public transport to get myself to somewhere I want to be, but not here. I can't fucking do anything and all it feels like is like I chocking and being forced deeper and deeper into this cell.

I would like to say, if you find something that isn't yours or if you simply take something that isn't your, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I do not care what your circumstances are, or if you know me and if you are my friend, it doesn't make a difference, you know you are being a fucking asshole. Because what you have taken is not yours, and you do not know what the person who owns it had to go through to get it, and you do not know the sentimental value of it. YOU DID NOT FUCKING EARN IT, SO DON'T FUCKING TAKE IT YOU SON OF A BITCH. You will know the distress you cause, and you do not know if the person you have stolen from is in a fragile emotional state. YOU ARE LOW PRICK.

I hope the person who stole my stuff gets hit by a car, and I am not exaggerating, you have got your chance, and I am done being nice, so bad shit can happen to you because you are a dishonest piece of shit and you deserve all the bad that is coming to you.

shackled

How hard can it be to understand that I like getting to places by myself. I don't like relying on other people, and I like to make most trivial trips alone. I don't like having a driver and having to plan my schedule, I want to leave when I fucking want to leave. I don't like sitting in cars or taxis with a stranger and I am terrified that they might try to start a conversation with me, and I really do mean terrified.
How hard is it to fucking understand this?
Stop thinking I am ungrateful and spoilt, I didn't have a driver and I was fucking fine with that, I enjoyed my freedom and now I don't have it and I feel trapped as ever. Sometimes I'd rather choke myself than feel this why and by sometimes I really mean all the time.

I could try, but I can bring myself to. It's so hard to start anything. It's so difficult to be a human being in all senses of the word. I do not feel like I have superior intellect nor do I adopt and upright stance or the power to articulate speech. I am slouch because I have no confidence and I can never hold a decent conversation. It's so hard to make myself try at anything.

School starts again tomorrow, I have still done nothing except finish some of the homework. Other people have probably done a an appalling amount of revision and I have done an appalling amount of nothing to help my future.

I want to die more and more everyday again. Dad being angry about everything all the time and voicing it all the time is not helping, I just makes me picture myself dead in various different situations.

What's the point in living a life and helping other people when all you are is miserable?

normal

What is normal? Because right now it is almost typical to be a socially awkward, depressed and overworked teenager. That shouldn't be right. We shouldn't have the norm being a bunch of people who are almost still kids and barely adults constantly fighting with themselves and everything else. We shouldn't have these people planning their deaths when their lives have barely began. We shouldn't have these people giving up on everything. What kind of society are we in that so many people have suicidal depression, and eating disorders, not to mention attempted suicide.

We were barely happier as children. At least I was a better person back then, I could talk your face off and talk some more and people wouldn't constantly tell me to be quiet, now I barely put my thoughts out and I can never hold a decent conversation. I used to think I could be better, now I just put myself down and don't bother anymore.

What's the point in excelling academically if I am completely miserable with myself. I am forced fed this information that I am somehow good at regurgitating, but this doesn't make me feel smart or better than people, because I can always find things that other people are better than me at. This is what I do constantly, I compare and contrast till I come to the conclusion that you are in fact better than me, in whatever way, and I leave it at that.

Is this the norm now? Cause it is the fucking worst.

I am still not okay with the fact that My Chemical Romance are no longer a band.

They were my first favourite band, ever. I've been listening to them since I was 7 or 8 (when Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge came out), thanks to my brother, and they've just been there ever since. They've been there for more than half my life and all of a sudden they're just gone. I never got to see them live, it's been something I've wanted to do ever since I started listening to them.

I don't know how to describe this feeling accurately, because this band and their music has taken me through so much and the fact that they're no longer going to be making the music that got me through everything just breaks my heart. The simple truth is that they are moving on in a way, and I hate it when we have to move on, I am constantly trying to hang on to everything, like when I refused to plan anything for my birthday because I refused to accept I had spent another year here, or that I was getting older. Now when I'm desperately trying to hold on to my childhood, another huge part of it just slips away.

I wanted to seem them live just once, and be there with Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray, and maybe thank them for taking me through my childhood. They reminded me I was not alone no matter how alone I felt, and that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I do. They were one of the bands my brother and I got to bond over. They were there all the time.

I don't want to let go just yet.