Bay

I don't know what to say
All this is pulling me away

I will stand by the bay
Until I find a way,

To set fourth and slay
My demons in the fray,

Or the courage to not stay
and give in to the sway,

For there will be no fay
To make it all okay

Only the gradual decay.

7th May 2013

I hope you guys had a better Christmas.

can't

I can't even set goals for myself anymore, because I never fulfill them, I don't even take the small steps I break them down into. I do nothing but disappoint myself, it's just terribly depressing.

I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my family, not anymore, nor have I ever. We never have real conversations, conversations of substance and emotion. Everything is superficial or legislative. What is the point if family is nothing but a group of people whom you share a home, food and finances with? I can barely stand being here anymore and I have nowhere else to go. It isn't a single person's fault now, but who's going to fix it all?

I wrote again tonight, it's become a regular thing for the holidays, I guess...

[23rd December 2013]

I want to paint a new picture of myself
With bloodied hands and bloodied heart.
The picture you see is not a picture at all
It is but an impression of unreliable source
The picture you see is too clean, too prestine
Even with all the smudges and splotches.
I want to paint a new picture of myself
With mucky strokes and crooked form

I want to paint a real picture of myself.

 Written: 2nd September 2013


Do they differ vastly?
The faculties of you and I
We converse in such

                                 Hollow

Tone.

Is it because I am too

                                 Far gone

Or that you are encased in

Anger, too deep to unbound

Oh, how far we have come

With the time going too slow

In a moment and too fast

In the whole.

Was it better when I knew

Naught and you knew

All?

We are so far from

                              My hand in yours

Under the sun.

These feelings seem to always be relevant, as of late.

17 years isn't a long time to live,
but 5 years is a long time to live unhappily.

7th July 2013

Displace

I want to go places

And see new faces

But I am too afraid of the disgraces

So I stay in my crawl spaces

Away from the embraces

Leaving no traces

I write sometimes.

I wrote this in April this year, I don't really know if it's any good, but I don't know, it's sort of therapeutic to try and put things into words. It's why I have this blog anyway.

The problem with growing up is that there is not gradual way. You are held back and shoved forward at the same time and there is nothing to hold on to as you pinball around.

Fuck being treated like a child and having no say in things you care about, then being asked to decide on a career that you're going to stick to for the rest of your life. You won't even let me have a say in where I live, or what mode of transportation I take. Fuck having to ask permission to go to the bathroom then asking me to be mature and adult like in all situations.  Fuck you never listening to my opinions on things that matter then only asking me shit like where we should go for dinner. Fuck only being treated 'your age' when it is convenient. Fuck always feeling like you owe everyone something because you need to be taken care of.

I can't plan a future if I don't even want to be here today, and I can't ever want kids if all they have to look forward to is me fucking them up and society adding on more to that.

Death becomes her.

The pollution is a whole new level of bad and it is killing the Christmas spirit. Also, I'm probably 40% more prone to cancer now. Pretty sure I'm going to fall sick soon...urgh.