shackled

How hard can it be to understand that I like getting to places by myself. I don't like relying on other people, and I like to make most trivial trips alone. I don't like having a driver and having to plan my schedule, I want to leave when I fucking want to leave. I don't like sitting in cars or taxis with a stranger and I am terrified that they might try to start a conversation with me, and I really do mean terrified.
How hard is it to fucking understand this?
Stop thinking I am ungrateful and spoilt, I didn't have a driver and I was fucking fine with that, I enjoyed my freedom and now I don't have it and I feel trapped as ever. Sometimes I'd rather choke myself than feel this why and by sometimes I really mean all the time.

I could try, but I can bring myself to. It's so hard to start anything. It's so difficult to be a human being in all senses of the word. I do not feel like I have superior intellect nor do I adopt and upright stance or the power to articulate speech. I am slouch because I have no confidence and I can never hold a decent conversation. It's so hard to make myself try at anything.

School starts again tomorrow, I have still done nothing except finish some of the homework. Other people have probably done a an appalling amount of revision and I have done an appalling amount of nothing to help my future.

I want to die more and more everyday again. Dad being angry about everything all the time and voicing it all the time is not helping, I just makes me picture myself dead in various different situations.

What's the point in living a life and helping other people when all you are is miserable?