With a record breaking 3 (mini) panic attacks and a never ending slew of suicidal thoughts it is safe to say that if this week keeps going the way today and all of last week went, I will probably kill myself in the foreseeable future. It is also safe to say, without exageration that I am going to fail the math test because I have no fucking idea what is going on in additional math any time on any topic. Who the fuck said I was good at math needs to stop saying it because it just makes me feel worse about myself and makes me want to constantly stab myself until I bleed to death.

There is are no age restrictions

"I'm so tired"
"Of what?"
"Of everything."
"What's a young girl like you got to be tired about?"
That is my problem, people don't think depression is possible in young people. I just want to say depression is equally possible in the young and the old. Maybe a kid can't really tell if they're really depressed...I sure as hell didn't know that me wanting to kill myself and crying myself to sleep for most nights when I was 12 was a symptom of having suicidal depression, but that doesn't mean I wasn't depressed. People need to get over the fact the people no matter how young or old are capable of complex emotions. Children know failure and disappointment too.

The same is said for the elderly...I'm thinking about this tonight cause my aunt mentioned not buying anti depressants for my grandad and buying all his other medication because she didn't think he was a "psycho case". That just made me so angry..cause having depression doesn't mean you are insane, it's an illness all the same and there is goddamn medication for it. Why can pain everywhere be treated and considered normal but once your brain is the organ that is trouble you're considered not normal? Nevertheless I had to suppress my outburst on that topic cause I cannot let my family know about my shit cause they clearly think it suggests I am crazy...well at least the "adults" of the family do.

Sometimes coming home makes me as sad as being away from home. Nobody I want to see has time for me and I don't get to stay alone in a hotel room. There are so many unmentioned expectations and regulations that I am supposed to adhere to.

Futility

The world is a big contained place, we can't go anywhere else, and it's filling up fast. I think about how there are almost 7 billion people and how I am only one of those people, and how I am not special and how everything I do can be done by someone else. I don't know how to dream and chase after dreams cause all it seems to be is too many people with the same ambitions, and some of those too many people will be more talented and experienced and get greater chances than me. Living dreams are all about chance, hard work and chance, cause you can make amazing fucking things but never get the right people see them. I look at my chances and I don't see how they will work in my favour.
 The whole world is just this cycle of death and life, and when I leave I don't think I will make any difference; sometimes I think about leaving early.
I don't ever know what to do or how to be optimistic cause I see all the things that can go wrong, and  how slim the chances of things going right. I see all the unhappy people, dissatisfied with their lives around me, and I just think there's a much larger chance of me being one those people too.
No one thinks what I want to do is achievable, I don't think I blame them, cause apparently it isn't a "real job".
Sometimes I think about leaving the world early, cause what difference would it make anyway?

I just want to be able to do what I want to do in life, then if I ever have kids, I would tell them to go do what they dream of doing and what they think they're capable of doing, and just disregard anyone who tells you you can't before you even try.

sometimes I try to grasp at my thoughts

It's late and I've just finished reading The Fault In Ours Stars and I am in quite a melancholy mood. (I also finished reading the hobbit today, so I am quite proud of the two books in one day thing, however that pride is again out weighed by my lack or revision for my impending exams)

Well, I was just thinking about that moment when you just wake up, and you don't quite know where you are, or what day it is. I like those moments, mostly. It gives me a few seconds a day to be in another reality. Sometimes I think I'll wake up in the bed I've slept in from the age of 3 to 14, that I'll be in my old house and see the pictures of my brother as a baby on the wall. I wasn't completely happy then but things were simpler and I had a lot more freedom than I do now, for some absurd reason. Sometimes I wake up and I'm utterly confused as to where I am, but the blankness of my mind is comforting because for however short that moment is I have no past and no present, and no worries. Sometimes I wake up and I feel physically smaller, like I am 7 again. Those times, for the seconds they last, are nice too because when you're 7 most things are easier, even though all you want to do is grow up and the person you hate the most is your annoying older brother. Well I did hate my brother for most of my childhood, I hated him and I loved him all the same, because even though he was annoying and rude, and called me fat all the time, I had fun with him too. The fake fights (that quite often turned into real fights), the made up stories with our own host of made up characters that were completely ridiculous and offensively gory for a couple of kids. Its so much easier to live with someone you hate on the surface but ultimately love, its easier to live with someone you can have fun with. It's so much harder to live with someone you hate so much, with someone you cannot accept or forgive for anything. It is so difficult, because you cannot push this person away, because they're always there and you see all their flaws, and all their mistakes. It is most difficult to live with yourself.

pendulum swings

There is distinctly something wrong with me and I don't even know how to begin fixing it. I've been turning to locking myself in the closet and falling asleep there more often when the anxiety builds up and that just makes me feel worse after even though it calms me down at that moment. All I am doing is wasting time. I haven't done close of half of the revision I was supposed to do and there are only about 7 days left. I don't know whether the anxiety is from that or if its because everyday I realise, more and more, that I want to be as far away from my dad as possible. Because he is so fucking negative about everything, I can't hold conversations with him, he gets angry about the smallest things and all the time he blames everything on god or just the fucking date, or my mom, and I can't even fucking take it anymore. All this negativity is not what I need now, because I have been quite suicidal for almost 4 years and its been the worst these two years and honestly if this keeps on going I think I might actually try something again and maybe succeed this time.

I cannot handle myself anymore, I can't concentrate, sitting still to study just drives me nuts, and sometimes I feel physically sick or just completely drained of energy even though I've slept a ridiculously normal amount of time. I think I am going to screw up, because of all this, and really I have no one else to blame except myself. Because all this is me not getting my shit together, its me letting everything around me get to me, and its me having zero self control. All this is me not getting a fucking grip and letting things slip away, letting time slip away, and only regretting later on.

I think I might need someone to tell me to get the fuck off the internet and study like every twenty minutes, cause that is actually how much self control I lack. Today I stayed home and I did less than 45mins of studying and that was only for one subject. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST SLAP ME ON THE FACE AND ASK ME TO GET A GRIP.

Today was nice, nothing much happened, but it was just one of those days that was pretty slow but just the right pace to keep up with. I woke up at 4am to catch the flight to hong kong, then we just had lunch at this really great dim sum place once we checked in. Then we just walked around the area in malls and window shopped for a bit.

Well I did feel a bit sick today cause my stomach acted up, being the bitch that she is, but it went away cause I didn't eat much for dinner, and was pretty calm about it.

Tonight was nice, because my parents met up with their friend who they've known for like a quarter of a century, and he's really nice, and they just talked about things. It wasn't converstations I could really take part in but I was fine with listening and just being there, cause it wasn't painfully boring, cause they talked about genuine problems and genuine opinions. Dad got a little bit drunk I think, that's why he was a lot more calm tonight. I forgot to bring my room card out of the room and was technically locked out, and it was late, usually he would have just have gotten really mad, but he just was like "I'll bring her down to get another one" and he didn't lose his temper and it was nice cause we could actually talk (not about proper things because I never get into deep things with my family) but just a general chat and we all went to bed just calm. (well I'm not really in bed yet, but you get the idea).

sometimes nice days like this make me feel a little worse about myself, because I just see how ungrateful I am about everything and how I don't really deserve these days anymore.